The last game of the season was a heartbreaker, a back and forth effort by both sides that was filled with angry words, bear hugs, snarls. It w as a game for the ages, one that couldn’t be wrapped up in a summary or a tidy box score, but by the emotions felt on the field. The emotions that we’ll never grow out of, for as long as we live we will be defined by this feeling. The feeling that the older we get, the more life’s responsibilities bring you down, and the more old age catches up with you. But on this day, we were just a couple of kids playing ball. We don’t yet have bad backs or bad knees, we have all our hair, and we can still dance and walk to the bar without pain. It’s important to remember the way we felt back then, the way we feel now. One day this’ll all be gone; this website, this league, this summer, this feeling. One day, we’ll wake up and remember that one summer in 2010, when we forgot what it was like to be kids again; when we let go of our petty every day troubles and let loose on the field, and it was no baseball field, no, that wouldn’t have been right. No, this field, we made ourselves. It would only prove fitting that we captured the spirit of innocence on a field built by our own naiveté. For so long we forget what it means to live, that for this one summer we let the wind flow where it may. For this one summer, we enjoyed ourselves in a golden age too quickly varnished by human vanity, a summer where bears did not bite and bees gave us kisses instead of stings.

The game was the most tense played all season, which befit the culmination of the season. Whether it’s a hiatus or the end, this game was one to remember. It was a 1-1 game going into the 5th, where Team Joyce took a 1 run lead. Team Galaraga tried to rebound, but Cesarano turned in a command performance, striking out 16 and quelling any mounting rallies.

With the score 3-1 in the 6th, and runners at 1st and 2nd, Richardson hit a ball deep to center that got everyone to their feet, but it died at the warning track and fell in for just a single. Shortly after that, Cesarano worked his magic and got out of the jam with no damage. It was Team Galaraga’s best opportunity until the bottom of the 9th. Richardson singled, and Herrick and Major both gave the ball long drives to the warning track that were caught. Team Galaraga would routinely come close, but couldn’t get those elusive runs to score.

Jankowski came up huge for his team, hitting 2 HR and collecting 3 RBI. But hope was never lost, and that’s what drove this game: the hope that at any moment, the tide would change. That with just one swing, new dreams could emerge. Even going into the 9th, the feeling that we were all just a stroke away from tying it was what kept our hearts beating all the way to the bitter end. And when the final out was made, it didn’t come with the heartbreak of a lost season, or a game lost to a tought opponent, but with a silent recognition of the talent that took the field that day, and that summer: all of us, as one, quietly moving forward with the hope of another game, just one more swing, and all of us respecting the effort we put into every play of the game.

The winter of our discontent may be soon approaching, and may it last till middle age, till death, till the moon hangs over the cloudless night, because nothing could take away what we felt on the field. We’ll always be forging ahead, and in the struggle we’ll forget what all of this means, we’ll get lost in the rat race, we’ll lose our freedom, our joie de vivre, our innocence, even each other as we slowly but surely fall by the wayside of this life. And so as another wiffle ball season comes to an end, as F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, we will beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Team Joyce:
Mccue: 5 for 9, 1 RBI
Kyle: 1 for 9, 3 K
Ken: 4 for 9, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 K
Jeff: 3 for 9, 4 K

Team Galaraga:
Adam: 4 for 10, 4 K
Angelo: 4 for 10, HR, 1 RBI, 4 K
Bill: 3 for 10, 5 K
Steve: 4 for 10, 3 K

On the day that Gary Coleman died, we decided to dedicate the game in his memory. Truth be told none of us gave a shit about him and were glad he was dead, but we needed a reason to play and him falling into death’s warm embrace provided us with one. The game started like any other, a scoreless first. But soon the training wheels came off and it became a slugfest.

The Coney Island Jellyfish (so named because of their similar abilities in retaining semen) came out to a 4-3 lead, but the Colemans hung a 5 spot on them in the 4th on the heels of Steve Major’s Grand Slam. However, in the bottom of the inning, the Jellyfish struck right back with a 4 spot, on 2 2-Run Homers by Kyle Ax, who found a new powerstroke after attending Richardson Hitting Camp.

With the game tied at 8, the 5th inning proved to be the defining one for the Colemans, as they hung a 6 spot, this time on a Bill Herrick grand slam, putting the game almost out of reach. That was also the inning that Herrick took the mound, and he would not give up a run for the rest of the game. The Colemans would add to their lead throughout, including more Home Runs by Major and Richardson, and at the end they sailed into the night on the heels of a 19-8 victory.

Santaniello wasn’t happy with his teams performance and held a closed-door meeting after the game. Herrick is making a case for himself as MVP in a bid to dethrone Richardson. Richardson said he only cares about one award: the Wiffle Ball Championship. Ax was ecstatic about his newfound power, and said in the dugout that he will repay Richardson by giving him his Megadeth collection.

Overall it was a fine day for Wiffle Ball, and these two teams battled like the Chicago Blackhawks, man.


Coney Island Jellyfish:
Kyle: 7 for 12, 3 HR, 2B, 8 RBI, 1 K
Angelo: 7 for 12, HR, 1 RBI, 2 K
Jeff: 4 for 12, 1 K
Greg: 2 for 11, 5 K

The Colemans:
Mccue: 10 for 15, 2 RBI, 1 K
Adam: 10 for 15, HR, 2 RBI, 2 K
Steve: 9 for 15, 2 HR, 7 RBI, 1 K
Bill: 8 for 15, 3 HR, 2B, 8 RBI, 2 K

Is it really a surprise that Escape from New York was better than Escape from LA?

Escape from New York:
Kyle: 12 for 22, 2 Triples, 3 Doubles, Inside the Park Home Run, 3 K, 4 RBI
Bill: 13 for 18, 3 HR, 2 Doubles, 3 K, 13 RBI
Nick: 11 for 21, 4 HR, 2 K, 6 RBI

Escape from LA:
Adam: 9 for 17, HR, 1 K, 4 RBI
Angelo: 10 for 18, HR, 2 K, 3 RBI
Steve: 9 for 18, 3 HR, 3 K, 6 RBI

A true testament to the heart and soul poured into our beloved game each and every day, the second game of the double header took place despite some early hesitation and a swap of everyday starters. Anthony entered the game as did Jeff, who firmly assimilated himself onto the mound, Fuchs style.

Solid pitching and timely hitting was the story of this game, as Jeff and Bill engaged in a duel through 7 innings before the game was called due to darkness. Jeff was a little rattled post-game in the clubhouse, as he didn’t get to go the full 9 innings. “The umps were garbage. I could have easily went another 12. That’s what I do. That’s what I was born to do. Pitch.” His Paul Maholm-esque performance was actually his best of the season, posting 8 K’s and allowing 4 runs in 7 innings of work. Bill also posted very respectable Zach Dukian numbers, going 6 with 4 K’s and 5 earned runs.

The Fuckin Reverends got started off early as they piled up the hits accumulating runs off Brian’s two clutch RBI singles and a fielder’s choice RBI from Bill. Nick also padded their lead as he blasted a towering shot over the left center field wall, his 6th homer of the season. “MARK IT,” he proclaimed as he trotted around the base paths while Jeff hung his head in bitter disgust. A key moment in the rally was a questionable and yes, controversial catch made by Angelo in left field. With 2 outs and 2 on, Bill ripped one that Santangelo tipped in the air and miraculously corralled right next to green monster fence. Debate arose as it was argued that the ball had hit the fence after Santallio tipped it but replays denied any contact between the ball and the fence. It was a critical moment in the game as it ended the Revs rally and shifted momentum to the Diapers. “It didn’t hit the fence, listen, I wouldn’t lie. I honor this game dearly,” Santanello explained after the game as he nursed his banged up middle finger.

Steve Major did not enjoy the lack of offensive productivity as he gave his team a little pep talk during the middle of the 4th inning. “You guys all look so handsome today.” It seemed to have worked as the Bloody Diapers started a rally beginning with Steve’s no-doubter over the left field fence, his 6th explosion of the season.

The Diapers continued their rally with key strung together base hits and some lucky breaks from shoddy fielding by the Revs. During a crucial moment in the rally, Anthony drove in a key bases-loaded, go-ahead RBI single that was lofted gently down the right field line into the first base cardboard box. Truly one of the most unusual singles that we’ve seen as it was further reviewed by the umpires but was later ruled fair play.

A pair of solo shots didn’t overshadow the quality pitching on the mound as this one came down to who could pound out more base hits and be the grittier team. It was all about timely hitting as the Player of the Game, Anthony Romeo demonstrated throughout the day going 6 for 8 with the go-ahead RBI despite an early quad injury that caused him to acceptably dog it to first base all day. Remember guys, stretch those quads before the game. Anthony actually needed a pinch runner at one point in the game. Steve volunteered as he didn't want to see Tony get a serious injury that could lead to a stint on the DL. In a bizarre play, a soft ground ball was hit to the right side in front of Steve. Steve took off from first but got tangled up with himself as he drastically wiped out in front of the play. He valiantly tried to recuperate but it was too late as his massive base running blunder gave Bill enough time to recover and make the play. Anthony's bum quad could probably have gimped it to second base faster than Steve, but we applaud the managerial decision of keeping health a first priority.

Game Notes: Luvy seems to know the non-existent Wiffleball schedule and has been spotted at several games the past week.......The grounds crew are still on military leave as the grass has begun to take on a life of its own........Adam had a rare no-homer game as he had 4 quiet singles......Brian picked up 2 RBIs on 5 hits, a very respectable line for the seasoned veteran.......For once, no one really showed why they’re a dominant force in this league


The Fuckin’ Reverends:
Adam: 4 for 9, 4 singles
Nick: 4 for 9, 3 singles, Solo Home Run, 1 RBI
Bill: 2 for 9, 2 singles, FCRBI, 1 RBI
Brian: 5 for 9, 5 singles, 2 RBIs

The Bloody Diapers:
Angelo: 3 for 8, 3 singles, 1 RBI
Romeo: 6 for 8, 6 singles,1 RBI
Jeff: 1 for 8, 1 single, 1 RBI
Steve: 3 for 7, 2 singles, Solo home run, FC RBI – 2 RBIs

Game 13 was one for the record books. The Santaniello Kid started on the mound, and by the 6th inning the crowd grew more and more rowdy as they realized they were witnessing history. Santaniello was setting down batters as fast as they came to the plate, striking out a whopping 14 through 7 innings of work.

Although Santanileiello was getting more swings and misses than any pitcher in the short history of the game, he still got knocked around, which came as a surprise to everyone. His stuff was magical, but the Shit-Covered Dicks put runs on the board conisistently. It was a team effort by the Shit-Covered Dicks, as they all banged in runs in key spots, with no one emerging as the hero.

Santaniello reached 15 strikeouts in the 8th inning, tying the previous record set by him. He would get Bill looking for the record-setting 16th K, then K’d Richardson and Mattson to set the record at 18. However, in the 9th he was in a rough spot, with the bases loaded and 2 out with Richardson up. Richardson smashed a ball over the left-center wall for a Grand Slam (his second consecutive game with a Grand Slam) which put the Shit-Covered Dicks up 10-2. It looked like the final blow.

The Puke-Covered Dicks did not go quietly into the night. In the bottom 9th, Santaniello and Legentil spearheaded a rally that brought the game to 10-6. With the bases loaded and the tying run at the plate, Nick Herrick induced a ground ball from Major, throwing to first for the final out.

Mattson pitched well, giving up only 1 earned in 5 innings of work, although him and Ax would share caustic words from across the diamond. At one point, Major and Richardson had to run onto the field to pull them apart. Nick Herrick hit 2 home runs in his return to the lineup following knee surgery, and said that his knees felt fine, “I feel like a young man again. Ready to take on the other guys.” Ax issued a warning to Mattson in the clubhouse after the game: “Come back for another game, and you’ll see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. I will bury you.”

Although hit while the score was 6-2, Richardson’s Grand Slam proved to be the game-winning hit, as he continues to make early strides to claim his second straight MVP award. While Santaniello continues to show that despite his team’s efforts, his games are must-see Wiffle Ball. Although he was the losing pitcher, he pitched one hell of a game, and he deserves a Co-Player of the Game award for his record-setting performance.

Major felt that his team lacked the power of the Shit-Covered Dicks, but said that any one of his players could take him deep. Legentil played a heads-up game, but suffered from some bad luck, beginning with locking his keys in his car and ending with him hitting screaming line drives but right at fielders. Bill Herrick spoke in the post-game saying “I love this team. In a way, we’re just a couple of errand boys sent to do a grocer’s job….Did I just fart?”


Shit Covered Dicks:
Adam: 7 for 14, 5 singles, Double, Grand Slam, 6 RBIs
Nick: 7 for 14, 5 singles, 2 Solo Home Runs, 2RBIs
Bill: 7 for 14, 7 singles, 2 RBIs
Mattson: 7 for 13: 6 singles, Double

Puke Covered Dicks:
Angelo: 4 for 13, 4 singles, 2RBIs
Kyle: 4 for 13, 3 singles, Double, 1 RBI
Brian: 5 for 12, 5 singles, 2RBIs
Steve: 9 for 12, 8 singles, Double, 1 RBI

Game 12 took on two drastically different tones. The first 7 innings were the most carefree innings of Wiffle Ball played all season long, with everyone laughing all the way around the bases, and generally just being on jovial terms. Kyle Ax started his first game as pitcher, and he started off absolutely unhittable.

After purging himself of last season’s haunting Home Run That Wasn’t, Santainellllllllo broke free of his inhibitions, and hit his way to the tune of 8 for 16, cracking out 3 home runs and knocking in 7 RBIs in what turned out to be a career game. But for the first few innings, the story of the game was Ax’s gem. His unique windup and combination of fastballs and breaking balls threw the Hideki Irabus for a loop, as Ax held them scoreless.

The Babyfuckers were the opposite, hitting on all cylinders with an offense headed by The Santaniello Kid. The Babyfuckers took a 9-0 lead into the 8th inning, when Ax’s control began to dwindle. Leading off the 8th inning, Richardson homered to end Ax’s shutout. This seemed to shake Ax a bit, as he let the next few batters reach base, including Long Balls Legentil in his return to the lineup. With the bases loaded, Richardson battled against Ax, fouling off a number of pitches. At one point, the crowd was so loud, the tension so palpable, the stakes so high, that Richardson and Ax shared a muted smile across the diamond. Returning to the box, Richardson hit the next pitch he saw over the left field wall for a Grand Slam, making it a 9-8 game.

The table was set in the bottom of the 9th for the Irabus, with 2 on and 2 out, Richardson lined one to the outfield, but Legentil was caught sleeping at 2nd base and easily tagged out for the final out, much to the frustration of Cesarano and Richardson. The Babyfuckers escaped with the win.

Ax pitched 7 strong, unhittable innings, and was making a case for best start of the year, fresh off the heels of Nick Herrick’s debut gem. But he ran into trouble in the 8th. The Irabus scored all of their runs in one inning, which remained the only blemish on Ax’s start. Jankowski had a rare off day, going 7 for 15, but with 4 K’s, which is a good game taken by itself, but Jankowski had yet to strike out yet on the season. His presence in the lineup is still powerful, as he showed that even on a bad day he can string together enough hits to help his team.

Santaniello, easily the Player of the Game, spoke well of his teams effort, and celebrated by buying a new pair of Crocs. “I just love Crocs, I wear them everywhere. So cool.” he said with a grin in the post-game interview. Tim Cesarano’s absence still looms large, as with each day his excuses grow more ridiculous. “We’re all just waiting for him to make his debut, it’s very exciting, I don’t know why he won’t play. He’s kind of a dick for not playing though,” Jankowski said. Legentil said he plans to help his team out more, but “My band is more important. It’s tough, but that’s the way it is.”

Richardson reacted to Legentil’s words as any jealous husband would, by crying over his 12th shot of Jameson, hunched over the bar, asking the bartender "why?" while repeatedly singing Lee Hazlewood's "Come on Home to Me." Ax said he felt good on the mound, “but I gotta get out of that inning. Masked men, scary.”

Notably missing from the game was Steve Major, who had to help his brother with his grandma’s room, and Bill Herrick, who was found passed out on his front lawn in a puddle of his own vomit with a copy of ‘Zen & The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ under his arm.

Overall it was a triumphant game, a throwback to the days of yore, when men just played ball. Today, the field was a field of dreams, and no one could deny us of our Wiffle Ball summer. Just a couple of good old boys, in to play a few innings, feeling the early summer breeze in our hair, with fire in our eyes and nightingales in our hearts.


Babyfuckers:
Kyle: 7 for 17, 7 singles, 4Ks
Ken: 7 for 15, 6 singles, 4Ks – 2RBIs
Angelo: 8 for 16, 5 singles, Solo home run, 2 Run Home Run, 3 Run Home Run, FC RBI, 2 Ks - 7 RBIs

The Hideki Irabus:
Adam: 9 for 17, 7 singles, solo home run, Grand Slam, 1 K – 6 RBIs
Jeff: 5 for 15, 5 singles, 3Ks – 1RBI
Brian: 6 for 15, 6 singles, 2Ks – 1 RBI

Game 11 marked the debut of Outpost 31. Nick Herrick started the game, pitching 2 scoreless, but had to leave to get his dick wet, so Mattson took over pitching duties. Ax returned to his usual self after the between-game baby-sacrifice ritual, as he went 7 for 13 with 2 doubles. Santaniello pitched well for Outpost 31, striking out 6 in 9 innings of work.

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk came out to an early 2-0 lead, but Outpost 31 erupted for 5 runs in the 4th. Honky Tonk would go up 6-5 on the strength of J. D’Ambrosio’s 3 HR, but Outpost 31 answered right back with a Herrick solo shot, tying it at 6. With Richardson up, he pointed to Ax in the dugout and said “This one’s for you, bud” and clubbed a solo home run to put Outpost 31 in the lead.

Outpost 31 would tack on more runs in the 7th and 8th in what turned out to be a big team effort, emphasizing the strengths of the lineup as Ax and Santianielioo set the table, and Herrick and Richardson brought them home.

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk fought hard, and was still in the game by the 7th, but Santaneillo proved too much to handle, as he closed the door in the 9th.

D’Ambrosio is slowly making a case for himself as MVP, saying the post-game “I love hitting Home Runs, I don’t care about my team, I just want my stats.” While Major said “That fat son of a bitch, he better leg out those ground balls.”

Santaniello spoke well of his team, but said that “Nobody trusts anybody, and we’re all very tired.”

Outpost 31:
Kyle: 7 for 13, 2 Doubles, 2 RBI, 3 K
Adam: 7 for 12, 2 HR, 5 RBI, 2 K
Angelo: 5 for 11, 2 RBI, 2 K
Bill: 4 for 10, HR, Double, 3 RBI, 2 K

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk:
Nick: 2 for 2
Mattson: 2 for 10, 2 K
Joe: 6 for 11, 3 HR, 6 RBI, 1 K
Steve: 4 for 11, 2 RBI, 2 K
Tony: 3 for 9, 1 K

Herrick vs. Herrick. Game 10 was the first veritable blowout of the season, introducing rookie sensation Nick Herrick in what turned out to be an all-eyes-on-me performance. By the 3rd inning it was 5-1 Pink Piccolos, and from then on the story of the game became the Nick Herrick Story, as he dominated on the mound for all 9 innings, giving up 2 runs and striking out 10. He helped his own cause by going 5 for 11 with 3 HR off his sworn enemy and brother, Bill Herrick.

The other Herrick didn’t fare as well on the mound, giving up 10 runs on 8 home runs, including back-to-back-to-back by J. D’Ambrosio, Santaineillo, and Herrick, before Steve Major K’d to end the streak. Ax came in in the 7th inning in relief, and pitched fine. But the Cream Cheese Bandits were just playing out the final innings at this point, hoping to put this one behind them as fast as they could.

Herrick hit his 10th HR of the season and collected his teams only two RBIs, while Santaniello had his first Multi-Homer game. He remarked in the post-game that “Without Jeff here, I feel free to be the player I really am. When he’s on my team, he just fucks everything up. I hate that asshole.” Bill Herrick fielded questions about his rocky start, saying “That was all on me. I just didn’t have anything today. When I’m pitching poorly, I get mad. I throw books.”

D’Ambrosio continued his slugger pace, hitting 2 HR, and Ax had a rare off day going 2 for 9. Players around the league speculated that he needs to sacrifice another baby to the baseball Gods.

Echoing Richardson’s epic 6 HR game, Nick Herrick locked down the Player of the Game by the 3rd inning in one of the greatest single game performances of all time. He stated in the post-game that “Teams better watch the fuck out. Because I’m coming.”

Santaniello was heard in the clubhouse after the game, searching for Fuchs.

Pink Piccolos:
Angelo: 6 for 12, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 2 K
Nick: 5 for 11, 3 HR, 6 RBI, 1 K
Steve: 2 for 11, HR, 1 RBI, 3 K
Joe: 5 for 10, 2 HR, 2 RBI, 3 K
Mattson: 4 for 5

Cream Cheese Bandits:
Adam: 5 for 10, 1 K
Tony: 1 for 9, 3 K
Kyle: 2 for 9, 3 K
Bill: 3 for 9, HR, 2 RBI, 3 K

Game 9 started off like any other, with each team getting 3 runs in the bottom of the first. With everyone on each team begging Cesarano not to pitch, he threw his best hissy fit until everyone relented and let him pitch. He did a fine job of sucking, giving up 9 runs in 2 innings but then settled down.

The G-Spot Tornados were in a 9-3 hole early, but they battled back, stringing together base hits. The Boom Boom Rodents were on a power surge, as Adam, Bill, and Kyle all hit HRs. Santanillo knocked in 5 runs for the Tornados, and in the top of the 6th it looked like the game would be tied again.

The Rodents led 11-10 in the 6th as the rain began to fall harder and harder. Mattson pitched for the Rodents, but the rain began to affect him as the Tornados came 1 run short of tying it. The 6th inning would be the last, as the rain made playing conditions too difficult, and the Rodents would escape by the skin of their teeth with a victory.

No pitcher quite had it today, as Richardson gave up 3 in 2 innings, Cesarano 9 in 5, and Mattson 7 in 3. Cesarano did not apologize for his insistence to pitch, saying “I live for this.” Herrick hit his way to his second Player of the Game award, knocking in 7 runs.

Off the field, Ax spoke with reporters after the game, promising to clean up his act. Richardson announced his dreams of one day owning a big sports bar, while Herrick didn’t take kindly to rumors that his sister was going out with Squeak.


G-Spot Tornados
Angelo: 6 for 9, 2 Doubles, 5 RBI
Jeff: 8 for 9, 2 RBI, K
Steve: 5 for 9, 1 RBI, K
Anthony: 4 for 11, 2 RBI, 4 K

Boom Boom Rodents
Adam: 3 for 7, HR, 2 RBI, K
Bill: 3 for 6, 2 HR, 7 RBI
Kyle: 3 for 5, HR, 2 RBI
Mattson: 6 for 7

That was a close one! A back and forth duel between sworn enemies Santaniello and Cesarano. Touched By An Uncle took a 3-1 lead into the fifth inning, but the Belgian Wiffles fought back, inch by inch.

The story of the game was Santainiello, who pitched a dominant game, striking out an incredible 15. But with the score tied at 4 in the 8th inning, Richardson hit a go-ahead 2-run home run off Santaniello to put the Wiffles ahead 6-4 going into the 9th.

With a two-run lead, Cesarano closed the door, getting the complete game win. Santaneillo pitched a gem, the only glaring mistake being the pitch to Richardson, and in the end he deserved better than a loss for a performance of that magnitude. 15 strikeouts is a record that will be hard to break in the coming years of Paramus Wiffle Ball.

It was a hard fought win for the Wiffles. Ax said in the post-game “I like turtles.” While Mattson was a black hole for most of the day, he set the table for Cesarano to bang in two runs on a bases loaded single. Steve Major ‘Steved” many singles, as he now has a type of hit named after him: a dribbler in front of the fielders. He said in the post-game “I’ll take them every time. I’ll take Kyle any time, mmmmmmmm.”

Santaniello threw his team under the bus after the game, believing they should have gotten him more runs. “I wanna be traded,” he said. Herrick continued his power hitting, and said that the new milkshakes he’s been drinking are probably why he’s on such a power surge. In the end it was a tight game, and Romeo said that it doesn’t matter who wins or loses. When asked if he knew who won the game, Romeo couldn’t remember.

Touched by an Uncle:
Angelo: 4 for 11, Double, 2 RBI, 2 K
Steve: 7 for 11, 2 K
Bill: 5 for 11, HR, 3 RBI, 2 K
Anthony: 4 for 11, 3 K

Belgian Wiffles:
Adam: 7 for 10, HR, 4 RBI, 3 K
Kyle: 6 for 10, 3 K
Mattson: 2 for 11, 6 K
Jeff: 4 for 11, 2 RBI, 3 K

The 7th game of the season marked the first time that a game hasn’t been won in the final inning. Although still a close, see-sawing, back and forth game, when the final out was made in the 9th, it gave everyone a welcome respite from dramatic walk-offs.

The Weiner Touchers (who have the most honest team name) went ahead early with a 6-0 lead. But the Good Doctors rebounded for 6 in the 3rd, including a game-tying Grand Slam by Adam Richardson, who rebounded from his dismal game 1 performance.

Herrick hit a 3-Run HR in what turned out to be a career day, as he showed that it doesn’t matter who looks at your junk in the locker room, its what you do on the field that counts.

Ax continued his power surge as he hit his 2nd HR of the day, while Major nubbed several excuse-me singles and giggled like a hyena as he ran down the line. Cesarano turned up the heat in the late innings, recording a career-high 9 strikeouts. Although he again fell victim to himself in the end.

In the 7th inning, with the Doctors down by 2, Richardson slugged a 2-run HR, limping his way around the bases, doing his best Kirk Gibson impression. Later in the inning, he hit a solo shot to put the Doctors up by one, making his performances in the two games look like day and night. The game was a see-saw affair throughout, with 6 HRs being hit, including a dramatic 2-run shot by Santinello.

In the bottom 9th, the Weiner Touchers had runners at the corners with two out, but Cesarano induced a fly ball to end the game. No heart-stopping walk-off today, just a hard fought, gritty win for the Good Doctors. Santainello spoke after the game and offered an ultimatum to his manager: “Pitch me or trade me.” Herrick responded to his comments by saying “We’d love to have him, he’d be our ace. And he can sing Mr. Tambourine Man in between innings to keep us entertained.”

Creating some controversy on the day was Steve Major, who was found sleeping in the clubhouse during the Weiner Touchers’ 8th inning. Ax felt that he took some good swings today, improving on his form, and celebrated by killing a few babies after the game.

Weiner Touchers:
Angelo: 9 for 16, HR, 5 RBI
Kyle: 8 for 16, Double, HR, 5 RBI, 2 K
Steve: 8 for16, Double, 1 RBI

Good Doctors:
Richardson: 10 for 15, 3 HR, 7 RBI, K
Romeo: 7 for 16, 1 RBI, 5 K
Bill: 5 for 13, HR, 4 RBI, K

Game 6 continued the trend of last-inning wins, as every game so far this season has been decided in the final inning. Bill Herrick claimed this game as his own, as he went 8 for 11 with 3 HR.

The Weiner Touchers got out to a lead early playing great small ball in the vein of the Minnesota Twins. Major explicitly mentioned Ron Gardenhire as an inspiration in his managing style, but saying that first and foremost he chooses players based on their sexuality. Anthony Romeo turned eyes in his 2010 debut, clubbing a monstrous 3-Run home run to put the Good Doctors ahead. But that was only the 2nd inning, and this one would go down to the wire.

Santainello pitched a dominating game, striking out 7 in only 6 innings of work, while Kyle Ax showed what he was worth in a 9 for 16 performance that touched on all aspects of the game: speed, power, and defense. Major homered for the second straight game, but the game went down to the 9th tied at 9. Leading off the inning, Bill Herrick hit an 0-2 pitch over the wall for the walk-off.

Richardson had a rare off day, going 3 for 8 with 4 K’s in his first no-RBI game of the season. He spoke with the press after the game and said that he just didn’t feel comfortable in the two hole, though he rested the blame for his poor performance on his shoulders, saying “I looked like Randy Winn out there today. Pathetic.”

Herrick picked up his teammates by having a career day, including his first walk-off of the season. He remarked in the post-game “Felt good. I always see the guys on TV jumping around at home plate, and I thought it was gay, all those guys touching each other. But after today, well lets just say that if that’s gay, I don’t wanna be straight.”

Weiner Touchers:
Angelo: 5 for 13, 1 RBI, 2 K
Kyle: 9 for 13, 2 Doubles, HR, 4 RBI
Steve: 8 for 11, 1 Double, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Andrew: 1 for 6, 3 K, 1 RBI

Good Doctors:
Bill: 8 for 11, 3 HR, 3 RBI, 1 K
Adam: 3 for 8, 4 K
Romeo: 3 for 7, 1 HR, 5 RBI, 2 K
Jeff: 1 for 7, HR, 2 RBI, 2 K

Another extra inning nailbiter, this one went down to the wire. Cesarano started the game pitching for both teams until McCue had the decency to climb out of bed and even out the teams.

The Kayaks came out to an early lead on Richardson’s 2-Run HR, but The Rapists took the lead playing impeccable small ball under the management of Steve Major, who guided his team all the way to the bitter end. Richardson made a rare outfield assist at home to gun down Santinello at the plate in the 3rd inning, while Jankowski recorded an unassisted double play. Ax and Major continued to doubleteam the outfield, creating a vacuum where fly balls go to die and taking away several base hits. Herrick showed off his arm on more than one occasion, nailing bases with unrivaled accuracy.

The Rapists’ 5-3 lead wouldn’t be broken until the 6th inning, when Ken Jankowski crushed a 3-Run HR in another display of his MVP-like production. However, the Kayaks couldn’t hold the lead for long, as the Rapists quickly rebounded with 3 runs of their own in the 7th on well-placed balls off the bats of Kyle Ax and Angelo Santineinlello.

The Rapists added to their lead in the 9th on a Santaniello RBI single, going to the bottom of the 9th with a 9-6 lead. Santinello came in for the save, and Ken Jankowski said GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE and hit his second 3-Run HR of the day to pull even at 9. The Kayaks celebrated wildly at home plate, sending the game into extra innings.

The Rapists plated a run in the top of the 10th to take a 10-9 lead but a clutch unassisted double play by Cesarano limited the damage to 1 run. In the bottom of the 10th, with 2 runners on, Richardson crushed a ball over the left field wall for a 3-Run walk-off home run, his third HR of the game and his second walk-off HR of the season. The Kayaks erupted at the plate with joyous celebration as the Rapists walked off the field in shame.

The game was one of drastic disparities: The Rapists plated all their runs with smart baserunning and well-placed hits, while the Kayaks scored all 12 of their runs on the long ball. Jankowski is making a name for himself as a force to be reckoned with, showing that he steps up big when it matters, while Ax showed no signs of slowing down on the basepaths. Both players are emerging as key elements for their teams, jumpstarting rallies and getting big hits. Bill Herrick, with his managing of tight-spot strategies and getting on base when it matters proved that he’s the veteran presence that the Kayaks were looking for when they signed him in the offseason.

Although the Rapists should hold their heads high, as they epitomize what it means to make a team effort, they took the loss hard, giving up the lead twice in the last 2 innings. Major was quoted in the post-game saying “I’m gay.” Santinellio, who took the loss, again fired caustic insults at his manager over his pitching situation, saying “Game after game this fuckhead puts me in in the late innings, I hardly even get to warm up before I…” He didn’t finish his sentence as he stared off to the side, slammed his locker shut and stormed out of the clubhouse.

The Rapists:
Angelo: 10 for 16, 9 Singles, 1 Double, 4 RBI
Steve: 8 for 15, 7 Singles, 1 Double, 3 RBI
Kyle: 7 for 15: 4 Singles, 3 Doubles, 3 RBI
McCue: 1 for 5, Single

Old Man Fashioning a Kayak Out of A Log:
Richardson: 8 for 16, 5 Singles, 3 HR, 6 RBI
Bill: 9 for 16, 8 Singles, 1 Double
Ken: 8 for 16, 6 Singles, 2 HR, 6 RBI
Jeff: 3 for 5, 3 Singles

Game 4 (second of the doubleheader) turned out to be a pitcher’s duel, with Team Ramrod throwing everything but the kitchen sink at Team Hustle, who threw one and only one arm at them: Mike Fuckin’ McCue, who hurled 9 stellar innings, giving up only 4 runs in the CG win.

Hustle took a 3-0 lead into the 5th, but Richardson smoked a 3-run home run off McCue to pull even at 3. He then hit a solo shot in the 6th to put Ramrod up by 1. Ramrod would hold the lead, taking out Cesarano, and putting in Dorfman and Richardson, both getting Holds. D’Ambrosio came in for the save in the 9th, but couldn’t hold it down as Hustle rallied for 2 runs. In the bottom 9th, Dorfman and Richardson lined 2-out singles, but McCue buckled down and got the final out, earning the complete game victory in a 5-4 game.

Herrick was disappointed in the loss, feeling they had the game won but just couldn’t pull it out. Herrick also had probably the worst luck of anyone, hitting the ball hard everytime but hitting into a lot of FCs. Legentil spoke after the game, saying “I don’t think we would have won without my 3 singles. My team is a joke, I’m the only reason we win.” Major didn’t take kindly to his comments, firing back “well, someone’s not getting laid tonight.”

Richardson’s home runs were the only blemishes on McCue’s shut-down performance, who gave up 4 in 9 innings for the player of the game award. He also dethrones Sanptneoallo as the ERA leader. Santinello’s absence from the two games was felt throughout the day. Regarding being dethroned by McCue, Santaintello said “Motherfucker I AM THE FUCKING THRONE.” Dorfman proved that his call-up was well deserved as he went 3 for 8.

If the story of the game was McCue’s dominant performance, it was Ax’s relapse that perhaps made the loudest sound in the clubhouse after the game. Ax could not be reached for comment.

Team Hustle
Kyle 4 for 9, 2 singles, 2 doubles - 1 RBI
Brian 3 for 8, 3 singles
Steve 4 for 8, 4 singles, 2Ks - 1 RBI
Ken 4 for 8, 3 singles, 1 Solo HR - 1 RBI
Mccue 3 for 6, 3 singles, 2 Sacs, 1 K - 2 RBIs

Team Ramrod
Adam 5 for 9, 3 singles, 3RunHR, 1 Solo HR - 4 RBIs
Joe 3 for 9, 3 singles
Bill 1 for 8, 1 single
Jeff 4 for 8, 4 singles, 1 K
Dorf 3 for 8, 3 singles, 2 Ks

The third game of the season provided more late inning dramatics. Cannibal Rape Job owned the LTs for the vast majority of the game, at one point going up 9-1 in what looked like a blowout. However, Ken Jankowski said “Not on my watch, motherfuckers” as he pounded 2 home runs, including a game-tying grand slam in a 6 for 12, 5 RBI performance.

Rape Job tried to regain the lead, but Cesarano shut them down, and the table was set in the bottom of the 9th for the walkoff. With McCue at bat, the LTs huddled together to discuss strategy. With Cannibal Rape Job playing no doubles defence, McCue lined one over 2nd for the walk-off base hit.

Game 3 introduced the highly touted prospect Bill Herrick, and he didn’t disappoint, going 8 for 12 with 2 HR. He remarked after the game that the 9th inning huddle was less about strategy and more about what kinda wedding presents are appropriate.

Legentil made his 2010 debut, and did a fine job of being completely average, going 5 for 11 with 5 singles. However, his presence was felt by his stat-taking, he is, afterall, a statman scabbadabba bee bop bop budup. Ax continued his “throw me out, I dare you” attitude on the basepaths, which helped his team in some tight spots, but also cost them a few outs. D’Ambrosio continued his Shane Spencer-like production, as he again hit 2 HR in a 5 RBi performance. With a bat like that, he’ll be playing in Japan any day now. In a bid for his third HR of the game, he pulled one INSIDE the foul pole but the call was inexplicably ruled a foul.

Game 1 of the doubleheader had a few web gems, as Richardson caught one with his legs, Ax made a diving one handed grab, and Major caught one with his dick. Cesarano pitched 18 innings and gave up 19 runs, which is almost acceptable. However, he battled it out and got the win (and the loss).

Cannibal Rapejob
Brian 5 for 11, 5 singles 1K - 1 RBI
Adam 7 for 11, 6 single, 2RunHR, 1K - 2 RBIs
Steve 2 for 11, 1 single, 1 HR, - 1 RBI
Joe 4 for 11, 2 singles, 2RunHR, 3Run HR, 2 Ks - 5 RBIs

The LT's
Mccue 5 for 13, 4 singles, 1 double - 1 RBI (walkoff)
Ken 6 for 12, 4 singles, 1 Grand Slam, 1 solo HR - 5 RBIs
Kyle 6 for 12, 6 singles, 1 K - 1 RBI
Bill 8 for 12, 6 singles, 2RunHR, 1 Solo HR - 3 RBIs

The second game of the season was played at East Brook, a not-so-welcome change because of it’s Minute Maid Park-esque center field, which proved to be a nuisance on the outfielders.

Royal Cruise got off to an electric 5-2 start on Santitnello’s seemingly inability to get out, recording hit after hit after hit in an 8 for 16, 4 RBI performance. The Griffeys were kept at bay but erupted in the 6th inning for 5 runs and 6 runs in the 8th on the strength of an impressive performance by rookie Joe D’Ambrosio, who went 8 for 15 with 7 RBI, including a Grand Slam.

But the story of the game belonged to another rookie, Andrew Mattson, who struggled early but came alive when it mattered, battering 2 home runs in a 7 RBI performance to take home the player of the game award on the way to a 10th inning win by Royal Nelson Penelope Tom Cruz.

After the game, Steve Major blamed the loss on the chaotic 9th inning, where Richardson gave up 6 runs while completely hotdogging it on the mound, showing a lack of a heart only rivaled by Don Livio in his infamous ‘sitting on second base’ game.

Overall the East Brook playing conditions were no picnic, and Cesarano was quoted in the post-game saying “If I have to play in this Minute Maid wannabee shithouse ever again, I’m gonna vomit on my mom.” Sanitentelioo strongarmed his manager to put him in the game, but relented in the post-game, saying “Yeah, he put me in. Too fuckin’ late. That nigger’s days are numbered.”

The first game of the 2010 season introduced new lineups, new thrills, new rivalries, and a rising superstar in Ken Jankowski. 8th man Greg Dorfman was called up to the bigs, but he bailed, fearing he’d go 0-12 again. Captain Cesarano stepped up big time by offering to be automatic pitcher. With the field set, the first pitch of 2010 was thrown by Cesarano for an outside strike on Angelo Santainello.

The Steves batted first and knocked in two runs on successive RBI singles by Santainello and Kyle Ax, making his triumphant return to the lineup after suffering all winter long with a dislocated shoulder and alcoholism. Cesarano kept the unfortunately-named Brady Bunch scoreless for their first inning of 2010, but they erupted for 2 runs in the 2nd and 3rd on Home Runs by Jankowski and Richardson to take a 4-3 lead, though McCue killed more than a few rallies by getting picked off a record 3 times.. The Steves then got 4 in the 4th on an RBI double by Major and a 2-run home run by Kyle Ax. However, the Bunch didn’t stay down for long, picking up runs in each of the last 7 innings to take a 13-9 lead into the 8th. Play was interrupted momentarily because everyone was distracted by some kid draped head-to-toe in fluorescent orange clothing.

The stoppage awakened the Steves as they rebounded to pull to within 1 on clutch baserunning and well-placed hits, including a rare triple by Major. During a bang-bang play, Ax collided at 2nd with Richardson, both of them being knocked unconscious for a while, but, warriors that they are, they continued. The Bunch added to their lead in the 8th on Richardson’s 5th homerun of the day, tying his own single-game record in what turned out to be a mammoth performance at the plate.

In the heartstopping 9th inning, the Steves took a late 1-run lead on Kyle Ax’s clutch 9th inning, banging in 1 on a single and giving them the lead with his second 2-run homer of the day. In the bottom 9th, with the Steves leading 15-14 and with 1 out, McCue lined a single to right. With the crowd chanting MVP, Richardson then smashed a 2-run walk-off home run to left, his 6th of the day. The Bunch celebrated at home plate with their first win of the season.

Cesarano pitched well, made some tight grabs on tough plays and some big strikeouts in key spots, but he couldn’t outduel himself, pitching his way to the win and the loss. A superstar was born in Ken Jankowski, going 9 for 16 with 2 homeruns in his first game and making a powerful impression. Steve Major had a good day at the plate going 8 for 19, he ended up missing the cycle by a HR, but made up for it by getting some big hits and having some key assgrabs. Kyle Ax spoke to the media before the game and offered a tearful apology for his off-season antics, saying “I know that children look up to me, and I’m committed to being a better role model.” His good karma served him well, as he went 12 for 19 with his first multi-homer game. McCue proved adequate, jumpstarting rallies and hitting the ball to all parts of the field. Richardson had a career day, while Santaniello spoke in the post-game interview saying that he’s not happy with his manager’s decision to put him in the outfield, saying “if that nigger wont put me in to pitch, I’m gonna make salsa dip out of his head.” After the loss, Major expressed uncertainty about his team’s sex appeal, saying that it just doesn’t have the raw sexuality it did when Legentil was there.

Overall the 2010 season opener proved to be a dramatic affair, perhaps providing insight into the type of season that follows.


The Steves:
Angelo Sanentello: 8 for 18, SF, 4 RBIs.
Kyle Ax: 12 for 19, 2 HR, 9 RBIs.
Steve Major: 8 for 19, 2B, 3B, 2 RBIs.


The Bunch:
Adam Richardson: 11 for 17, 6 HR, 11 RBIs.
Michael McCue: 6 for 16, 1 RBI.
Ken Jankowski: 9 for 16, 2 HR, 2B, 4 RBIs.