KYLE AX PROVES HES THE MOST AMERICAN ON 4TH OF JULY FINALE
by Harold Aushawitz, Amputations Press - 740/2011 9:43 PM ET

Team America
Kyle: 8 for 10 - 2 HR; 7 RBI
Romeo: 1 for 6
Austin: 3 for 10; 1 RBI
Don: 7 for 10; 1 RBI
Mattson: 3 for 6 Jesse: 5 for 9 - Double, HR; 3 RBI

Uncle Sams Children
Angelo: 3 for 6
Adam: 3 for 6
Jeff: 1 for 6
Harry Vegas: 2 for 6; RBI
Dorfman: 1 for 6; RBI
Joe D: 2 for 4; RBI

Pitching
Austin 4 IP, 0 ER, 8 K
Mattson: 3 IP, 2 ER, 0 K
Don: 2 IP, 0 ER, 1 K
Jeff: 8 IP, 12 ER, 5 K Harry Vegas: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 K

MARCHESE HURLS A GEM, LUVY HURLS AN ECLAIR
by Rick Moranis, Amputations Press - 6/30/2011 9:43 PM ET

The Baltimore Bulldogs took the road and headed to the notorious tough hitters ballpark, the Boise Bob-bowl. The Bulldogs felt they could escape the tough road game with a win as rookie right-hander, Austin "The Cheese" Marchese was set to make his first career start. "Pffffftttt, bring on the rook, I like mine rare with a hint of salt," said the cocky Santaniello as he thought the game was clearly in their favor. The Bulldogs were dead wrong as Cheese dazzled and razzled, throwing the complete game to go along with 7 Ks. He mowed through the veteran laced lineup as proved players such as Major and Romeo struggled to find base hits and ultimately failed to rally. Marchese pitched brilliant as he had only given up 2 runs through 8 2/3 innnigs before being tagged by a Steve Major longball, cutting his lead to 3. After a pair of hits, the tying run was brought to the plate in a dramatic affair, but The Cheese reared back and pounded the strikezone with the last of his gorgonzola left in the tank.

Sponsors have begun to pick up on the appeal of the PWL as Riverside Oral agreed to a partnership with the league in a risky business move that could make or break large stock investors. A Riverside Oral "Hit This Sign" billboard has been installed on the left field fence which have players hooking the ball more than ever trying to "go oral". For every ball that hits the sign, Riverside Oral will donate $1,000 to the National Crystal Meth Hallucination League , and the team will get free snacks and juice boxes.

The battle on the field was a grinder, but the real battle took place between longtime dairy enemies Luvy and The Blue Bunny. The Blue Bunny ice cream truck bravely invaded Luvy's home turf at Westbrook Stadium. At first Ax was hesitant to buy something, fearing his betrayal of Luvy would result in the end of a loving and cherished relationship. He decided a refreshment was desperately needed so he caved in and announced his upcoming infidelity. Just as Ax began walking over to Blue Bunny with his head down in shame, a familiar song filled the air and a swift red blur was seen in the distance. WHOOOOOOOSH!!!!!! Luvy appeared out of nowhere and the battle began as they first tried outplaying one another with the ice cream jingles. When that had no effect, the first shots were fired as Luvy blasted King Cone cannons at The Blue Bunny while the Bunny answered back with a few dozen rounds of .20mm Choco Tacos. The PWL players ran for their lives as Snowcone grenades and Chipwich mortars littered the field with shrapnel. Adam Richardson was blasted by a friendly-fire Eclaire from Luvy and was placed on the 15-day DL with frostbite to the ballsack. After a few hours, the Battle of Cream had finally ended and LUVY stood victorious. Not one ice cream truck besides Luvy has been seen in the Tri-State area since. Final Score: Luvy 1, Blue Bunny 0.

Baltimore Bulldogs
Angelo: 8 for 13; 1 RBI
Romeo: 4 for 13; 1 RBI
Steve: 4 for 12 - HR; 3 RBI
Kyle: (DH) 6 for 7

Boise Bobcats
Adam: 6 for 11 - HR; 3 RBI
Austin: 5 for 11 - HR; 2 RBI
Jesse: 9 for 11 - HR; 2 RBI
Kyle: (DH) 1 for 6; 1 RBI

Pitching
Austin 9 IP, 5 ER, 7 K
Romeo 7 IP, 8 ER, 3 K
Angelo 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K

DOWNTOWN RETURNS, TAKES TEAM TO THE PROMISED LAND
by Four Eyes McGee, Amputations Press - 6/26/2011 8:12 PM ET

Game 36 was a fun time under the sun as Kyle's Kocksuckers took an early lead and never looked back as they put up a few big innings to win the ballgame. Magarro's Mighty Men weren’t pushovers though as they put up at least 1 run in every inning except the 9th. Kyle Axe Murderer started and pitched his balls off but was hurt by the longball as he gave up 5 dingers but still kept his team in the game and got big outs when needed. Hes looking like a Cy candidate every time he takes the mound as the ripe, young lad uses heart and passion to guide his arm into the promised land. Kyle also hit for the cycle again, truly remarkable considering how rare triples are in this league. Hes proven hes an asset to his team, a true pro's pro, a classy sassy, a guide to the sky, a rainman, a snowman, a blanket on a cool night, and a buzzard in a bee's nest. Keep on rollin' Bandit.

Adam "Downtown" Richardson had a career day, collecting a whopping 5 home runs and 10 RBI on his way to a 9th player of the game. The slugger has taken a commanding lead in league homers, RBIs, and celebrations as his most recent was ripping a mountain bike around the basepaths. That celebration was way toned down from the infamous "Dummy Disaster" where Richardson shot himself out of a cannon into the stands, killing 15 people and injuring 35 others. Miraculously, he survived the blast as none other than the legendary "Hoss" Cesarano broke his fall. Routinely, the accident put Hoss on the 60-day DL with 'extreme pain disorder'.

A trade occurred mid-game as Steve Major and Matt Vavosa were swapped in a blockbuster deal that mystified both teams. Kyle's Kocksucker's team owner, Charles Snedeker IV commented on his move to acquire "The Bat" Vavosa. "Steven Major of Highland Country is a golden nugget in a basket of crumpets, but I regret that our financial position required us to rid ourselves of the famed and ballplayer. On the contrary, our club is well positioned with Sir Matthew Vavosa of Curly Castle. His swiftness and politeness is just the attributes I was seeking. Alfred, a flagon of wine please." Snedeker's move paid off as Vavosa has a solid day at the plate, going 5 for 10 and setting the dinner table for Richardson to feast on.

Jesse "Late Night" Richardson took the hill in his first start and beautifully guided his team through the stacked Kocksucker lineup. Steve commended the righty, "Hes got a great arm, hes got power at the plate, and hes superb in bed." Late Night was received well by the fans as the crowd pleaser belted 2 taters and collected 5 RBI. Dave "Altered Beast" Magarro smacked the first homer of his blossoming career. "I just knew it was coming, it had to happen before the Phish festival or I would have had a lot of sleepless nights and bad trips."

GAME NOTES: Joe D returned to the field and DH'd to the line of 8 for 11 as he creeps up on Steve's tail for the batting title.....The author of this summary, Slammin' Sammy Mead was on a 4 day whiskey bender when he saw the game, hence the past deadline submission......Adam Richardson hit 5 HRs in a game for the 3rd time this season... what the fuck?

Kyle's Kocksuckers
Ax: 6-12, HR, 2B, 3B (hit for the cycle), RBI
Vavosa: 5-10
Santaniello: 6-12, 2B, HR, 3 RBI
Richardson: 7-11, 5 HR, 11 RBI
D'Ambrosio: 4-5, HR, RBI

Magarro's Mighty Men
Jesse: 9-13, 2 HR, 5 RBI
Buffalo: 6-13, HR, 3 RBI
Magarro: 5-13, HR, 2 RBI
Major: 9-15, HR, 2 RBI
D'Ambrosio: 4-6

Pitching
Ax: 9 IP, 12 ER, 4 K
Buffalo: 0.0 IP, 1 ER
Magarro: 1, 8 ER 1 K
Jesse: 7 IP, 7 ER, 5 K

HOSS SENDS IN THE TROOPS, MANAGES TEAM TO VICTORY
by Jimmy Joe Johnson, Amputations Press - 6/28/2011 7:01 PM ET

Game 35 saw a packed house at West Brook Stadium, with thousands of fans welcoming the return of Late Night. That's right, folks, Jesse Richardson is back. The Motorcycle Masher, the Harley Hammer, the Trader of Joe, the Sultan of Swag, God-Bless Jess, he's here to stay, folks. As you remember, Jess tore his ACL making a diving catch on the hill in the infamous East Brook Game last season, and he's been on the DL ever since. He was rehabbing in Tampa when he aggravated his injury and was set back 3 weeks. He felt horrible, his team needed him, but he couldn't rush it. And tonight, folks, thousands of the West Brook Faithful welcomed him back with open arms. He didn't disappoint, lining a single in his first at-bat back to the chant of "J-Rich! J-Rich! J-Rich!"

But that was all the fans were gonna get in this game, as the Hoss Niggers managed to pummel them into submission. Jugglin' Jeff Cesarano took the mound after his 5-game suspension and earned his first Win in 6 games. His fastball was sitting at a beastly 38 MPH, he cited the rest as the reason for his rise in velocity. Opposing him was Hard Rock Santaniello, looking for his 10th Win of the season. Santy had his good stuff today, but a 2-out, 2-strike hanger to Sexy Steve Major put the Hoss Niggers on the board with a Grand Slam.

Downtown Richardson escaped his slump by bombing 2 homeruns off Cesarano, reaching the big 50 on the season. But aside from a 7th inning rally, the Handjobs couldn't get much going against Big Jeffrey. Hoss managed his team with aplomb, and guided them to victory, making all the right moves. "I know the game better than anyone," he said in the post-game press conference. "I just know what moves to make, how to shake 'em up." Tony "Big Cat" Romeo was called in to pitch the final 2 frames, but Jimmy-Jack Joe put an end to the threat, as he slammed a 3-Run Homer to put the game out of reach.

Santaniello took the loss hard, and took himself out of tomorrow's lineup, citing a need to rest. "My team has been playing like shit. I need to clear my head, maybe go up to Big Sur, shoot off a few rounds, smoke a few J's, really just clear my head." Reporters were flummoxed with the Commish taking a leave of absence, with many fans calling him a quitter. Jesse spoke in the post-game, saying he felt blessed by the fan's reaction, "I rode in here on my Harley, I'm a strong man, I didn't think this kinda stuff would get to me. But hearing those fans reaction about my return, well I got a little choked up."

Hoss said that he welcomed Jesse's return, but that was far as he was going. "Yeah, welcome back asshole, next time you get up to the plate, I'm throwing right at that repaired ACL. That's just the culture of the game." Ax was happy about his team's win, and celebrated by taking Steve out for a nice seafood dinner.




Hoss Niggers
Kyle "Choo Choo" Ax: 4-10, RBI BB
Jeff "Refridgerator" Cesarano: 5-11, HR, 4 RBI
Steamin' Steve Major: 6-10, 2 HR, 8 RBI
Jimmy-Jack Joe D'Ambrosio: 5-10, HR, 3 RBI
Hoss Cesarano: 2-9, BB


Hard Rock Handjobs
Angelo "Hard Rock" Santaniello: 5-8, 2 RBI
Rowdy Roddy Richardson: 5-8, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Tony "Big Cat" Romeo: 1-8
Jesse "Late Night" Richardson: 4-7, 2B, 2 RBI
Dave "Altered Beast" Magarro: 2-7, 2B

Pitching
Avenging Angelo Santaniello: 7 IP, 10 ER
Juggling Jeff Cesarano: 9 IP, 8 ER, 5 K
Roundhouse Tony Romeo: 2 IP, 6 ER

INCLEMENT WEATHER: DONNY THUNDERS IN SLUGFEST
by Ramblin' Rob Ross, Amputations Press - 6/26/2011 8:12 PM ET

Call me Susan and bake me some apple pie because this game was steaming! Right from the start the Chunks blasted their way to nirvana, making Juicy Joe Palmaccio refill his sippy cup! Oh these boys were hot! The Fudge Brownies looked like lost dogs out there! Although they hit alright, their pitchers were rollin' in mud. It was tough game to lose, they're going to have a hard time putting some lipstick on this pig! Donny Livio reigned supreme in game 34, sayin' "Get outta the way boys, I'm drivin' in the fastlane all the way to Donnywood!" He belted 4 home runs and made the Brownies wave that white flag high!

Juicy Joe had no juice from the start, gettin' squeezed by homeplate umprie Hollerin' Lou Holbrook. Palmaccio stared down Lou many times, but oh boy, he's gonna have to buy him a steak dinner before he starts givin' him those calls! He started nibbling at the plate, trying to catch the corner, but those Chunks weren't nibblers, they wanted the whole meal! D'Ambrosio took offense to being snubbed for the All Star Game and took it out on The Juice, smacking 2 Home Runs off the Juiceman.

Livio gave another one of his famous pre-game locker room speeches to his team before the game, in what is becoming a staple of Donnyball. "Feed the dogs, spit the fire, lock up your daughters, sit down and shut up, because it's GAME TIME, boys! Whoo!" Reporters are callin' it Donnyball, a way of playing by pummeling your opponent not with good pitches and timely hitting, but by swinging from your heels every pitch. My lord, folks, this guy can swing a bat! Mac daddy where's my caddy, this guy is gunnin' for MVP!

By the 5th inning the Brownies were done for! With Dangerous Donny, Slammin' Santy, Jimmy-Jack Joe, and The Mighty Mattson swingin' the lumber like that, you can call in the dogs, because this hunt is OVER. My oh my what a bloodbath! Reporters took to the locker room after the game to get some quotes, and folks, it was not pretty. "I should be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller after that performance," said Richardson. They call him Downtown Richardson around here, but the only place he's been going is downtown to Sucktown! Major played like a champion but didn't feel like one, "I'm just gonna turn the page, play tomorrow." I imagine he'll have some MAJOR trouble sleeping tonight, folks, he's gonna wake up in a coooold sweat after this one.

Santaniello pitched like a racehorse, going strong until he pulled himself. Folks, this guy has the gift. Oh my sweetie call me Petey this man can throw! I spoke with him after the game and folks, let me tell ya, he's one of the good ones. Quick delivery and even quicker put-out pitch, he welcomes the challenge and then drops the hammer on you. Overall it was a fine day for wiffleball, unless you were on the Brownies. My oh my folks, that was a whoopin' for the ages. They were beat like a red-headed stepchild, by the time the game was over they hit the showers. The cold showers, cuz folks, that one was a wakeup call. The Chunks made their message perfectly clear: Get out of the way or they'll make you pay!

Fudge Brownies
Steamin' Steve Major: 6 for 11 - Double
Juicy Joe Palmaccio: 6 for 10 - 2 HR; 6 RBI
Downtown Richardson: 2 for 10 - HR; 3 RBI
The Blue Buffalo: 4 for 10

Milk Chocolate Chunk
Slammin' Santy: 7 for 14
Jimmy-Jack Joe: 9 for 14 - 2 HR (Grand Slam); 8 RBI
Dangerous Donny: 10 for 14 - 4 HR, Double; 11 RBI
The Mighty Mattson: 10 for 13 - 2 HR, BB; 4 RBI

Pitching
The Juice Man: 3 IP, 7 ER, 1 K
Manly Major: 4 IP, 9 ER, 0 K
Rowdy Roddy Richardson: 2 IP, 7 ER, 0 K
The Santaniello Kid: 7 IP, 6 ER, 4 K
Handy Andy Mattson: 2 IP, 3 ER, 0 K

LICK THE BLADE CLEAN: AXE WOUND PROVES DEADLY
by Dipper Rooney, Amputations Press - 6/22/2011 6:05 PM ET

A complete blowout with no hints of a comeback was the tale of Game 33. Journeyman knuckler Adam Richardson took the mound and got knocked around, giving up 14 ER in 4 innings. He looked solid out of the gate as he escaped the 1st inning only surrendering 2 runs before being tuned up for 10 in the next two frames. He was reluctant to get pulled when Jeffs Huge Pussy opened up a 12-0 lead, but the veteran realized he threw his team up dicks creek without a saddle. After his outing he was seen sitting in the training room hot tub with his arm wrapped and a jar of moonshine nearby. “It’s a damn shame,” said the right-hander. "My instincts kept telling me 'one more batter Downtown, you can grind this baby' but my arm just let me down today."

Anthony "The Cat" Romeo pitched for Jeffs Huge Pussy and continued his quality streak, giving up a modest 6 in 6 innings while adding 2 dingers from the offensive side. His newly anointed nickname stemmed from his departure during the later innings as clouds rolled in and a light mist began to fall. Spectators could see the concerned look in his eyes as he anxiously tried sharpening his claws on the trunk of the Stadium Tree. When the mist began to fall, his back arched, his hair raised and he purred goodbye.

The player of the game was easily the speedy Kyle Ax as he had a monster Grand Slam topped off with a 2-run shot to complete a 6 for 9 day with 7 RBI. No doubles or triples like we're used to seeing from The Bandit, but his power surge as of late has been a pleasant addition to the game of speed he employs. The Grand Slam was a moonshot to left-center, which sent Ax into a fit of laughter and sent Richardson crumpling to the ground like a frail baby duckling. Ax has that ability to make his opponents mentally collapse through pain and suffering or just plain ole' American power.

Steve Major went a solid 6 for 9 and pumped up his league leading average to a juicy .617. He looks amazingly fantastic in every aspect of his play except for wardrobe. He has been arriving fully dressed to the field, a fact that does not sit well with league officials. Richardson found himself in an extended 10 at-bat slump as he failed to hit a home run, a rare occasion these days. The full-time slugger still has 29 HR in June opposed to hitting only 18 in April/May. Ant D shows hes a gamer, knocking out 4 hits with a sac fly. He also turned a great double play that made Steve leave for a while to contain the lower half of his body.

Mattson had DH duty and it was blatantly obvious that Jeffs Huge Pussy had pleasured him far heftier then Jeffs Sore Asshole. Conspiracy theories arose and the press ate it up as players violently cussed at one another. Mattson didn't want bloodshed so he gave back the dirty payments like a true champion and evened out his play, spraying around hits for both teams. Santaniello had a solid day going 6 for 8 with a tater and 3 RBI. Hes gotten back to his comfort zone as the streaky left fielder seems to drift in and out of concentration at the plate. "Some days I'm just not feeling it, I got shit on my mind, dick in my belly, and piss up my asshole-- oh wait, excuse me I said that wrong."

Jeffs Huge Pussy
Romeo: 6 for 9 – 2 HR, 2 Doubles; 4 RBI
Major: 9 for 13 – HR*; 3 RBI
Ax: 6 for 10 – 2 HR (Grand Slam); 7 RBI
Mattson (DH): 5 for 9 – HR, 4 RBI

Jeffs Sore Asshole
A. Dambrosio: 7 for 10 – HR*, Sac Fly; 3 RBI
Richardson: 5 for 10 – Double
Santaniello: 9 for 12 – 2 HR (Grand Slam*); 7 RBI
Mattson (DH): 4 for 7; 1 RBI

Pitching
Richardson 4 IP, 14 ER, 2 K
Romeo 6 IP, 6 ER, 2 K
Santaniello 2 IP, 3 ER, 0 K

*Stats for Game 2 (1 inning) are factored in, actual score for Game 1 was 17-6

HOSS MANAGES FROM DUGOUT, SPITS IN FACE OF AMERICA
by Trapper John MaCintyre, Amputations Press - 6/20/2011 6:05 PM ET

Following the win in game 31, manager Reggie Lightower resigned as manager of the Hossmen. He cited troubles at home and his own failing health as the reason to retire from the game mid-season. Before the second game of the doubleheader, reporters gathered in the clubhouse for an impromptu press conference. Reggie spoke in hushed tones and said with a tearful smile that he has stepped down as the Hossmen's manager. "Boys, I've done just about all I've wanted to do, seen just about all I've wanted to see in this game, and although I hate to leave my team in the middle of a playoff race, it is with heartfelt regret that I must step down." Reggie then shook hands with members of the press, thanking them for covering his team over the years. "Through the harsh times and the good, you boys have always been there. Sometimes I'd curse you all, but deepdown we have respect for each other." Reporter Anthony Locicero of the Paramus Patch then tried to start a slow clap to lead the old skipper off, but no one joined him and he just ended up looking like a retard.

With no manager, Hoss Cesarano stepped up at crunch time and managed his team to victory. "These are tough times, but we're in the thick of it now, boys. Reggie left us, we're 1 game behind the Longwangers, fuck it, let's do this thing." Hoss gathered his team together and took the field, the new Hossmen, the Hossmen of the future. His team rallied behind him, slugging their way to victory with 20 runs. Steamin' Steve Major hit his way to player of the game, collecting three HR and 7 RBI. Downtown Richardson continued his hot streak, hitting 2 long flies and hitting for the cycle for the 2nd time this year. Richardson has begun hitting from the left side of the plate in favorable righty-lefty matchups. Ax also hit for the cycle, the first (official) cycle of his career. Ax impresses scouts and players because he plays a 'full game.' He hits for decent power, legs out a lot of doubles and triples, and plays stellar defense. Despite only 8 HR, he has a higher slugging than Cearano (37 HR).

Cearano took the loss in both games, plummetting him to a season low. "This is a bad time for me. I mean, I grow up in a shack way up in the woods, so I'm not unfamiliar with hard times. But my arm is just hurting. I'm not getting any break on my curveballs, it hurts too much." The Hossmen pitched by committee, having 4 different players pitch to collect the 27 outs. Santaniello was perhaps the savior of the game, coming in relief and surrendering just 1 run. Dave "The Altered Beast" Magarro is heating up at the plate after many analysts called his promotion from the Triple-A Clifton Comets premature.

Santaniello was seen after the game setting fire to his equipment at West Brook Stadium. "Nothin' to see here, guys. Just burning the ol' equipment." Santaniello has cooled off lately, though he still sits in the top 5 in AVG. "I do this whenever I feel a slump comin' on. Just get rid of the past, start fresh." Reporters noted that he was also burning Cesarano's equipment. "Shhh," said Santaniello. "I'm just burning his shit for the fuck of it. It'll piss him off. You see that glove? His father gave him that glove on his deathbed. I'm burning that motherfucker."


Big Hossmen
Santaniello: 6-10, HR, 3 RBI
Richardson: 7-10, 2 HR, 3B, 2B, 6 RBI, hit for the cycle
Major: 9-9, 3 HR, 2B, 7 RBI
Hoss: 2-9
Romeo: 5-8, 4 RBI


Great American Assholes
Cesarano: 4-9
A. D'Ambrosio: 4-9, 3 HR, 6 RBI
Ax: 7-9, HR, 2B, 2 3B, 2 RBI, hit for the cycle
Magarro: 6-8, 2 RBI
Mattson: 5-9, HR, 3 RBI

Pitching
Hoss: 0.1 IP, 7 ER
Richardson: 3 IP, 2 ER
Romeo: 1 IP, 2 ER
Santaniello: 4.2 IP, 2 ER
Cesarano: 4 IP, 10 ER
Mattson: 5 IP, 10 ER

ROMEO OH ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU DOMINANCE
by Stephen H. Mahtook, Amputations Press - 6/20/2011 4:05 PM ET



Butt-Naked Hoes
Richardson: 7-11, 3 HR, 4 RBI
Santaniello: 4-10, HR, 3 RBI
Major: 6-10, 2 HR, 3 RBI
Romeo: 5-10
Magarro: 1-8


Black Mangled Porches
Ax: 6-9, 2B
Hoss: 5-9
Cesarano: 1-9, HR, 2 RBI
A. D'Ambrosio: 4-9, HR, 4 RBI
Mattson: 3-7, HR, 2 RBI

Pitching
Romeo: 9 IP, 10 ER, 4 K
Cesarano: 9 IP, 10 ER, 10 K

DOWNTOWN TO JUICETOWN: RICHARDSON AND PALMACCIO POWER THE MACHINE TO VICTORY
by Buddy Boozer, Amputations Press - 6/19/2011 4:05 PM ET

On a hot blistering day in June, the Pit Stains took the field to honor one of their heroes, one of their all time greats. Eddie "Two Guns" Howell passed away last night at 9:48 PM from respiratory failure. Howell was one of the Pit Stains legacy players, playing 22 seaseon with them and racking up a career 2,392 hits. He was known as somewhat of a local hero, helping the less fortunate kids from his hometown. He was always willing to lend a helping hand, always donating to charities. His own charity, Howell's Howlers, has helped raise over 3.4 million throughout the years. The Pit Stains got a patch on their uniform to honor Howell, a symbol of two guns being separated by a baseball bat, with 1962-2011 underscoring it.

With many on hand, the Pit Stains played their game for Eddie. Mattson spoke before the game about the passing of a dear friend, "It feels, honestly it feels like I lost a brother, or a father. My dad was never around much growing up, and Eddie always took me in. It feels..." Mattson took a moment, holding back tears, "It feels like I lost my dad." Cesarano also spoke about Howell, but in less revering terms "Old dinosaur, I woulda struck his ass out and told him get the fuck off my field. I don't care about the history of the game, I write my own histroy." Livio made a speech to his team in the locker room before the game, "Okay guys. Wiffeball, it don't mean anything to them out there. But to us, it's our life, our blood. We lost jobs, girlfriends, and sanity over this game. We gave it our all and here we are. We battled with blood sweat and tears to make it through the rainy seasons, the lopsided games. We all made sacrifices to be at this place, right now. So lets go out there and win one fore Eddie. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." Howell's family was on hand to watch the game, the first since his passing.

Unfortunately, the Pit Stains choked and couldn't hold the Jackoff Machine back. Downtown Richardson and Juicy Joe Palmaccio proved too much to handle, as they dazzled in the field and slugged at the plate. Richardson continues to earn his nickname after a few off games, he slugged 4 homeruns, passing the big 40 milestone on the year for the first time in PWL history. Palmaccio made many webgems in the field, and more than held his own at the plate. With Santaniello pitching to the score, the Machine simply couldn't be undone.

In the post-game press conference, Mattson took the loss hard. "We went out there to win one for Eddie, and I fucked it up. I take a lot of the blame for the game, but bottom line we can't have a guy giving up 13 runs and expect to win. We blew it." Livio returned to the lineup following his summer meetings in the far east. When asked about his plans to import players from the Bangladesh All-Stars, he declined to comment. Livio now qualifies for the batting title, and it is now a three-man race with Major and D'Ambrosio. Major had to sit out today as his hamstring was bothering him. He came up lame running to third last game, but finished the game. He spoke with reporters after the game "Oh no problem, I'll be good to go next game, we just wanted to be safe, you know? Lot of wiffle ball to played, I'm gonna need to be healthy."

Overall it was a sad day for wiffleball, as one of the greats has passed on. Players around the league came together to honor Howell. With many weeks left, the playoff picture is shaping up, with teams looking to add parts, we could be in the midst of a blockbuster trade like last seasons Major for Livio deadline shocker. It was reported shortly after the game that Cesarano was put on the trading block and cleared waivers. Apparently nobody wants him.


Toledo Pit Stains
Mattson: 8-13, 2 HR, 5 RBI
Cesarano: 4-12, HR, RBI
Livio: 8-14, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Dorfman: 1-3, BB

Nig Rigged Jackoff Machine
Santaniello: 9-15
Palmaccio: 8-15, HR, 5 RBI
Richardson: 11-15, 4 HR, 2B, 11 RBI
Romeo: 2-3

Pitching
Santaniello: 9 IP, 10 ER, 2 K
Mattson: 0.0 IP, 3 ER
Cesarano: 9 IP, 13 ER, 5 K

SANTANIELLO GETS WET: SLUGS A GRANNY THROUGH A HURRICANE
by Guy Winters, Amputations Press - 6/17/2011 10:05 PM ET

"This shit will blow over, don't be such a pussy," Mattson said as he gazed at the dark clouds in the distance.
"Dude, call me a pussy all you want but I am not risking getting struck by lightning over a silly game of wiffleball," responded Tim "Hoss" Cesarano as he worriedly scanned the sky aware of the dangers lurking over him.
"You shame me," whispered the Commish. Hoss walked into the distance and missed what was perhaps the most interesting game in league history, the Mud Bowl.

This game was the first official PWL rain game as Hurricane Hoss ripped through West Brook Stadium causing a heavy downpour from the first pitch to the last. Donny Nature was not available to submit an accurate forecast so the players were in the dark about the storm headed their way. It seemed as if the wiffleball gods had punishment in store for the league as they had recently read "Drunken Summer" by Big Daddy Cesarano and were not pleased with chapter 6, "Fuck Religion, There is No God." Daddy was not present due to the dreaded fear of taking a "double shower", but the gods decided that the league shall suffer anyway for his wrongdoings.

This game marked the debut of Dave Magarro who was called up from Triple-A Fair Lawn Muff n' Puffs, the farm team of the Vietnam Vag-Slayers. The prospect was thrown into a slippery situation as the conditions proved to be tough all around. He did take the mound in relief for Downtown Richardson and pitching a quality 3 innings, giving up only 1 run and striking out 3. He has a rubberband right arm and was nicknamed Shave Dave in the minors for an incident where he shaved a guy so inside that the ball burned permanent mutton chops into the mans face.

"I think its letting up!" yelled the Commish over the sound of rain pounding away on the strike zone and thunder rolling through the plains of West Brook Field. Mattson's booming laughter filled the field and was joined by a 'KABOOOOOOM!!!!!' from lightning that had struck directly over the staidum. It was a frightening moment as 4 players pissed themselves while one shit themself. The shit was actually linked to a sneeze and had nothing to do with the thunder. The rain pounded away, harder and harder as the game advanced. It was tight at 2-2 courtesy of a solo HR from Steve Major, and RBI singles from Mattson, Santaniello, and Richardson. Mattson was pitching a great game until Santaniello got the best of him by hitting the go-ahead Grand Slam to give his team a 6-2 lead and eventual victory. It was a nasty pitch that was low and inside with movement but Santaniello got a hold of it and played up to his stunning career numbers against Mattson.

The press conference was not of the usual variety when Santaniello gets player of the game. Instead of cracking jokes with the media and flipping bat boys a $20 to fetch him his cigar, he was mellow and felt the Commish deep down inside should speak up for his players. "Everyone that showed up to play wiff today are the true players of the game," he started. "Not every major leaguer can grind out something as rough and real as this. Most get pampered and put on moisturizer so their poor skin doesn’t get flakey, ahem, Jeff, ahem, excuse me." He spit on the floor in disgust and then turned to his players who braved out the storm with him. "Those men...," spoke Santaniello as he got choked up and tears started to tremble around the corners of his eyes, "...are the real heroes."

Game Notes: Hoss was transferred from the 15-day DL to the 60-day as he was struck by lighting at his home while downloading a shitty mp3 of "Endless Bummer", a collection of the worst-of Beach Boys songs....Steve and Joe D’s epic batting title war was in full force as Steve hammered out a 5 for 8 day and reclaimed the crown from Joe. He also collected his milestone 200th hit of the season...Matt Vavosa was activated from the 60-day DL as he finally recovered from a soft and tender gooch. He was a little rusty at the plate but made some great defensive plays including an unassisted double play....Fittingly, the rain stopped in the final inning as a rainbow settled across West Brook Stadium and the birds began to chirp, merely a way of the wiffleball gods saying, "O shit, we didn't realize Jeff was home, sorry guys."

Sopping Wet T-shirts
Richardson: 4 for 7; 1 RBI
Santaniello: 6 for 7, Grand Slam; 5 RBI
Anthony D: 4 for 7
Magarro: 4 for 7

Keys In My Sunflower Seeds
Steve: 5 for 8 – HR, 1 RBI
Joe D: 4 for 8
Mattson: 4 for 7; 1 RBI
Vavosa: 4 for 6

Pitching
Richardson 2 IP, 1 ER, 2 K
Magarro: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 K
Mattson: 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 K

THE PARAMUS WIFFLEBALL LEAGUE IS DECADENT AND DEPRAVED
by H.G. Bissinger, Amputations Press - 6/8/2011 10:05 PM ET

Game 27 started under a shroud of controversy as MVP candidate Joe D'Ambrosio was named in the Legentil Report as one of the players that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs before the game. The news cast a dark cloud over the game: it was on everyone's minds, but no one spoke about it. League Commissioner Santaniello barred players from speaking about the incident until the investigation is complete, warning of fines or even suspension. The Legentil Report was released sometime around midnight, and journalists and beat writers were poring over the 854-page report all night. Among the findings were that retired wiffler Donnie Hayes tested positive in 2009 for performance-enhancing drugs. Curiously, league officials were aware of the positive testing at the time, but did not leak the info, and Hayes was not punished in any way. Hayes was Hall of Fame-bound before the news broke, leaving his status as a premium slugger up in the air. He could not be reached for comment.

Other players tested positive, but PWL has not released their names. D'Ambrosio's stats have come under question following the news, with several players saying he should be banned from the league for life. Major said "I think it's a disgrace. He was one of the faces of the game, I know kids that have his fathead on their bedroom walls. He has let down the fans, the players, and most importantly, the game." Commissioner Santaniello has placed D'Ambrosio under a tentative suspension until further notice. When asked for comment, The Commish said "I'm asking the fuckin' questions around here." He stamped out his cigar and took a swig of whiskey before adding "And I don't got no fuckin' questions. This shit will be dealt with the way I fuckin' see fit. Now get the fuck out of here."

Santaniello has become increasingly irate when dealing with the media, as many feel he is having a rough go of the commissioner position, leading some to even speculate that it's affecting his on field performance. Also overshadowing the game was the press release of Jeff Cesarano's autobiography "The Drunken Summer: The Story of an Outcast Pitcher in A Broken League (Setting Suns, Whiskey Nights, & Broken Arms") (out next Wednesday, Simon & Schuster). The book, written over the course of the 2010 season and spanning several decades, was written as a tell-all to expose the corrupt workings of the league, as well as give fans a glimpse into the darkness beneath the Wiffle Ball culture.

Cesarano wrote (excerpt from his novel): "It's a Thursday in May, and no one's at the field. My arm throbs with the pain of a too-long season, but I can't admit that I'm hurtin'. Skip would sit me out, or worse, release me. In the old days I wouldn't care, none of us would. We'd just go out there and throw, and hey, if you can't hack it, that's the way it goes, better luck next season champ; ball goes up, ball comes down. The field looks broken and it's filled with all the pieces of past triumphs, kids break bottles on the fence that we hit so many balls over. There's a feeling of ennui that can't be penetrated: this feeling, this gut check, is the feeling that we won't be able to play this year. There's a certain bent appeal in knowing it's the end. That moment where you drive off the ledge, and before you hit the ground, you can feel the air, filled with sorrow and triumph, that feeling: this is the end. When Santaniello took the commissioner job, and we saw the glimmering light of another season in the sun, we drank in celebration and played drunk under a moonless night just to show that we still had it. None of us knew what was coming. None of us knew that this was the ledge, and we were standing right the hell on it." ("The Drunken Summer", page 126).

In another excerpt, he spoke about his days in Texas in the independent leagues: "First day out of spring training no one knows your name. You're a roster spot, just a LHP, or SP, nothing else. Every guy is fighting for a spot, half young gunslingers with just enough arrogance to make it, and half broken down old timers, good enough for only spare parts. An arm here, some legs there. Some nights we would walk straight from practice to the bar on the corner of Hemlock Road and swill gin and hard-luck stories right until batting practice the next day. In those days, in those times, a man was only how much break he had on his curveball, how many numbers he had on the gun. What happened afterwards was just the cards we were dealt on a hot dusty night in San Antonio. Many arms fell by the wayside in San Antonio, too many innings, too many pitches. You pitched until a ligament snapped, there was no quitting. There was a mentality among the many men who passed through that if you could blaze a trail hot enough, if you could chase a dream wild enough, you could get through it and make it out the other side with a wink in your eye saying 'yeah, I know what it's all about' but by that time you're squinting so hard from the pain you can barely see the sun."

"First day of practice games we had to face a couple dozen hitters all looking to catch on by putting the ball through your head. That's when I first met Kyle Ax and Adam Richardson. Ax was a wild giraffe straight off the farm, a carefree gait and a wide-eyed smile exposed a naivete that I knew would get destroyed by the wiffle ball culture. His family had just moved to Dallas from Worthington, a small farming town outside of El Paso. He had all the knowledge and experience of a fresh-faced high school kid. Nobody thought he would make it, too sweet, too kind, they would say, he'll get eaten alive. But he could run. He had a pair of legs like no one in the history of the game, and he ran all day long. Richardson was a different kind of player. A highly touted prospect and expected to perform, he arrived in camp with unreachable expectations attached to his name. He came from a mining family, his father was a miner and his father before him, all his brothers were miners. When he decided to leave the mine and focus on wiffleball, his family shunned him. He had it all on the line; if not wiffleball, I don't know who else would take him. The oil fields were packed, no jobs there, the mine would never take him back. He put everything he had into his bat. One night me, Ax and Richardson went out drinking and smoking and driving around. We ended up on the border of Texarkana. Three salty looking dudes started throwing bottles at our car, three players from a rival team. I was already drunk as a sniper, and the three of us flew out of the car and just started wailing on these guys. Then more of their guys came, and sooner or later we're fighting the entire Texarkana wiffle ball team. Just bloody enough, just bruised enough, just broken enough, we hopped in the car amidst the sounds of sirens and drove half-beaten and drunk all the way home. I didn't know until the next morning that I had dislocated my shoulder in the fight, and I would have to spend 3 months rehabbing. Ax was called up soon after, and Richardson was traded to the Montana Swampdogs a week later. Once again I was all alone, so I made the decision to power through the rehab. I didn't speak to another teammate until I said goodbye on the bus to Charlotte, NC. I had decided that making friends in this league was fruitless. They either fucked you over, or they were traded and you never saw them again; either way, someone was always leaving, someone was always someone's stepping stone. And that's what I remember most about that time: the loneliness. The guys working for their one shot and going to work at the mill or on the farm in the offseason, the gunslingers that were expected to be superstars, the last chancers: they all left. What I saw before me was a broken league that took men and drained them of their vitality, a league that took a once noble man and stripped him of his dignity, his faith. A league meant to mold men, but instead breaking them."

It would only be fitting, that game 27 reunited Cesarano, Richardson and Ax, and indeed, it would only be fitting that Richardson and Ax would line up to bat against Cesarano, as they had done so long ago. Ax hit an inside the park homerun, and Richardson tagged Cesarano for 4 HR and 6 RBI on his way to Player of the Game. Major continued his hot hitting, going 9-13 and staying above .600 in what is truly an amazing feat. Santaniello found his power stroke and slugged 2 homers on the day. Romeo is getting quite a reputation around the league for being a big-spot hitter. All of his homeruns seem to have come with the bases loaded this year. He thrives on pressure. Ax and Richardson proved to be a dynamic duo, a combination of speed and power that proved too much for Cesarano to handle.

In the end, they knew each other too well, they knew each other's strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps that was the undoing of Cesarano, but in the 5th inning, when Richardson stepped to bat with Ax at second base, there seemed to be an air of melancholy surrounding the at bat. As if, amidst the competition and enmity, was a once-familiar feeling of friendship and comradery. As though these three men, who played together lifetimes ago, were aware of everything they had accomplished, and everything they had been through together. And it would only seem fitting that Richardson would hit the game-tying home run, rounding the bases, symbolizing the circuitous nature of these lives. The feeling left on the field was one of respect. It was as though these men knew they would meet again someday.

PWL players have received advanced copies of "The Drunken Summer", and the reaction around the league was polarizing. Some felt that Cesarano shouldn't have written it, as many believe everything that happens in wiffle ball stays on the field. Others, like superstar Steve Major, believe it was a brave move. "It takes a lot of fuckin' courage to write something that bare, that personal. He laid it all out there and said 'here, this is how it was.' I really admire him." The league is reviewing the contents of the book to determine whether any disciplinary action is necessary.

In one of the book's most controversial chapters, Cesarano discusses the aftermath of playing in the league so long. (from page 231): "It always seems to hurt the most the next morning. After the game you wrap your arm in ice, you soak it, you warm it, you ice it. You know you won't need a wake-up call the next morning. Most of the time you wake up at 5 or 6 AM in agonizing pain, clutching your elbow like a baby. Nothing can quite take that kind of pain away. We popped painkillers like candy in those days, we took so many different kinds of opiates that it was normal for a guy to go 2 full weeks without shitting. Your arm would just be feeling okay by the time your next start comes around, rinse, repeat. And if you made it, it was a small price, 'Hey look at me, ma, I'm disfigured.' They tell you it wont ever be the same, every doctor tells you it'll never be like how it was, so you try every kind of voodoo witchcraft juju bullshit to preserve the one thing that gives you purpose in this life. You're not stupid, you know none of these fuckin' things will get you back to 49 MPH, you know your arm just cant handle the curveball anymore. You know it's just a matter of time before you're one of those broken down grizzly bears that you saw so many of when you first came up. And after everything's settled, you're showed the door by a guy half your age. No tearful goodbye, no severance package, just 'hey thanks for the arm have a nice life.' So now, three moons west of where I started my career, the sun goes down on West Brook Stadium only to come up the next morning with new guys ready to our place, new arms ready to be torn off, new dreams ready to be broken. And with the right kind of eyes, you can almost see the broken clouds; that point where the sun finally set, and rolled back."



Filthy Bums
Angelo: 7 for 13 - 2 HR, Double; 4 RBI
Steve: 9 for 13 - HR; 2 RBI
Jeff: 5 for 13 - 3 HR; 7 RBI
Romeo: 3 for 7

Dirty Diapers
Kyle Ax: 8 for 11 - 2 HR (Inside-the-Park HR), 2 Doubles; 3 RBI
Adam: 7 for 11 - 4 HR; 6 RBI
Mattson 4 for 10 - HR; 2 RBI
Romeo: 4 for 6 - 2 HR, BB; 5 RBI

Pitching
Jeff: 9 IP, 16 ER, 5 K
Mattson: 9 IP, 13 ER, 4 K

BIG BOOMING COCKS DOMINATE THE VAG: SLAPPERS WHACK THEIR WAY HOME
by Hank Harvey, Amputations Press - 6/8/2011 10:05 PM ET

In a game marred by the dreaded base on balls, this one dragged to the very end where the Cock Slappers were able to swat away the limp dick Vag-Slayers. In total there were 104 new counts issued with a season high 5 walks. Kyle Ax's heroic 3 BB's are a league record. Mattson started opposite Cesarano and struggled to find the plate, often depending on pure leprechaun magic to hit the zone. He was pulled and replaced by Santaniello who pitched quality, but made some mistakes highlighted by back-to-back homers from Cesarano and Romeo.

Tim "Old Hoss" Cesarano put together a solid line, roping a single up the middle for his first career RBI. "I'm proud of that man, Squirt is coming into his own, getting a feel for the game," said Vag-Slayers manager Rusty Jenkins. This game also marked the career debut of Rob Romeo who found comfort in DHing. He had to be carted off the field early due to chronic wenis swelling which put an end to his solid 7 for 9 day.

Santaniello got back on the locomotive as he caboosed 2 bombs in his first multi-homer effort since the PED massacre. His second was a definitive wall-scraper as a small gust of wind believed to be from Hoss's restless leg, gently pushed the ball over the fence. It brought back cold memories of his haunted rookie season where he was robbed of a wall-scraper and went on to hit zero for the year. Richardson had an off day but was suffering from 'wet kneecap', perhaps hampering his focus at the plate.

Mattson was eager to play for the skins team but then was reminded that wiffleball is a sport where shirts vs. skins isn't necessary. He still braved it out and hit a shirtless 7 singles. Steve raised his average to .604 and added two doubles to retake the lead from Kyle who had tied it earlier in the game. Austin joined late and contributed in the field with some web gems, including a few putouts at first and a double play that had the potential of being an unassisted triple play.

The story of the game was Anthony Romeo, as the bashful blazer came through with the bases juiced AGAIN as he torpedoed his 4th granny of the year. Feelings in the clubhouse were mixed as the team has had recent celebration incidents that have drawn fines from the league. "He betta stop that kind of thang cause them boys in the clubhouse be gettin' all wildin' these days ... they get a sock fulla blood turds and slap ya face, they piss on yo eye, they piss on anythang. Them potty boys ain't afraid to fuck yo ass, ya hear?" said Cock Slapper manager Dusty Baker.

Cambodian Cock Slappers
Kyle 4 for 9 – Double, 3 BB; 2 RBI
Steve 9 for 14 – 2 Doubles, BB; 1 RBI
Jeff 5 for 14 – 3 HR; 6 RBI
Tony Romeo – 10 for 14 – 2 HR (Grand Slam); 6 RBI
Rob (DH) – 5 for 6

Vietnam Vag-Slayers
Santaniello 8 for 11, 2 HR, Sac Fly; 3 RBI
Mattson 7 for 11; 2 RBI
Richardson 3 for 11
Tim 3 for 9 BB; 1 RBI
R. Romeo (DH) 2 for 3; 2 RBI
Austin 1 for 4; 1 RBI

Pitching
Mattson 4 IP, 10 ER, 2 K
Jeff 9 IP, 8 ER, 7 K
Santaniello 5 IP, 5 ER, 2 K

SLAMMERS HAD NO FIGHT, MUDBIRDS TAKE THEM ANALLY
by Slammin' Sammy Mead, Amputations Press - 6/8/2011 10:05 PM ET

Game 26 was played under the threat of severe thunderstorms, as told in a forecast by Donny Weather. Everyone on the field held the game together as though there was just a tenuous chance of getting it in, so 5 innings could have done it. The Shanghai Slammers went on the board first with a 5 run third inning highlighted by Santaniello’s RBI BB and followed by Major’s Grand Slam. Major is killing the ball lately (.611 (41 for 67), 13 HR, 29 RBI in last 5 games) and provided his team with an early 5 run cushion. Santaniello is in a bit of a power slump, he’s hitting a cool .540 (33 for 61) in his last 5 games, but with only 3 HR.

“I’ll take the walk any day of the week. I’m not hitting for much power lately, but I’m putting good wood on the ball. I think I’m just a natural line drive hitter, and, if you can believe it or not, my power surge in the beginning of the season was actually a result of my swing being OFF, not on. When I’m going good I scorch the ball straight away.” He seemed pleased with his swing at the present moment. Slammers Manager Richie LaManna sat Ax for the 2nd consecutive game, citing his poor career numbers against Buccino. Ax has hit just .351 (19 for 54) with 1 HR in his past 5 games, so the decision to sit him may have been to just give his legs a rest.

The Fastlane Slugger had a rare off day as he went 2 for 8 without collecting an RBI. Though it has more to do with Buddy Buccino’s commanding performance on the mound than anything else (Don owns a .547 average in his last 5 games, with 9 HR and a massive 26 RBI). Buccino buckled down and didn’t allow another run for the rest of the game, throwing up 6 straight scoreless innings. “I lost my command in the 2nd, but I felt great the rest of the game.” Juicy Joe Palmaccio was going to come in for the save, but as the Mudbirds pulled away they didn’t feel like wasting his arm. Palmaccio didn’t fare so well at the plate, going 4 for 10. He made up for it in the field, snagging a few scorched balls and providing key ass slaps at crucial moments.

Adam Richardson, or as they call him around these parts, Downtown Richardson, slugged his way to Player of the Game with 3 HR and 8 RBI. Richardson started the season slowly, but has been on an absolute tear lately, hitting .596 with a whopping 16 HR and 28 RBI in his last 5 games. He’s really turned it around from his slow start, and continues to pull away in the HR race. Major is in the midst of his absolute breakout season and is the obvious frontrunner for MVP, but if Richardson holds onto the HR and RBI lead, there could be a divided league. “I’m all about the team. I know my stats look nice and shiny up there in the boxscore, but I don’t care!” Major said following reporters questions about his official insertion into the HR race.

Jeff “The Cocaine Cowboy” Cesarano was unable to play today, as he was suffering a massive cocaine hangover at game time. Despite being slotted in as the starting pitcher, he never showed up, which is grounds for a 2 game suspension and a $10,000 fine. Commissioner Santaniello spoke about the suspension in the post-game press conference, “I wont allow it. I don’t care how much coke you did, how many HR you have, you’re not missing a game and staying in the rotation. We don’t tolerate it. And any attempt to appeal will only result in more punishment. That’s it, get the fuck out of here.”

Tony Buccino took a step back from his slugging approach and instead set the table for the Mudbirds. He went 8-11 and seemed to always be in scoring position. Mattson at one point was stuck in an epic battle with Buddy when “The Flutes” started to play, throwing off his concentration, and he K’d. The West Brook Flutes are the new installation of recent fans taking to bringing their flutes with them to the games, and playing them loudly during opposing players Abs. Players and league officials are divided on where they stand on The Flutes. Some say that it’s just a product of the game, but others say its too distracting for the other team. In any case, whenever there was a 2 strike count or a big spot, the ominous flutes would start to play, and the batter, seemingly haunted by the majestic flute-playing, can’t come through.

Also of note during the game was the annual Indian Parade, where hundreds of Indian people come out to support the Paramus Wiffle Ball league, and League Ambassador Andrew Mattson gives a few short sessions about wiffle ball in the States. In an effort to promote the sport internationally, the players usually take part in day-camp like instructionals, teaching the kids how to hit and other basic fundamentals. Major could not participate because of the state mandate that syas he has to stay 500 feet away from children, and Richardson just taught the kids how to chew tobacco, leading to uncertainty in his role in next year’s Indian Parade.


Shanghai Slammers
Santaniello: 1 for 8 - BB; RBI
Steve: 4 for 8 - Grand Slam; 4 RBI
Mattson: 3 for 7 - BB
Don: 2 for 8
Joe D (DH): 2 for 7

Mongolia Mudbirds
Buddy: 4 for 11
Tony B: 8 for 11
Richardson: 6 for 10 - 3 HR; 8 RBI
Juicy Joe: 4 for 10
Joe D (DH): 5 for 8 - Grand Slam; 4 RBI

Pitching:
Santaniello: 6 IP, 9 ER, 3 K
Buddy: 9 IP, 5 ER, 13 K
Mattson 3 IP, 3 ER, 0 K

SCORCHING HEATER: ANT D GRANNY SEALS THE DEAL
by Arnold "Ace" Neidermeyer, Amputations Press - 6/8/2011 10:05 PM ET

A day after the PWL came under heavy media scrutiny for lack of PED testing, vice president and league founder Brian Legentil scheduled a press conference before the game to ensure shareholders that the league is a financially sound investment. "All players of the PWL have submitted urine samples and the large majority are clean, pure players. Unfortunately there are a select few individuals who have deeply saddened me. These players will remain confidential on the Legentil Report and any further questions about these individuals will result in a public tar and feathering followed by a rusty trombone castration. Thank you."

His words were felt around the league as Game 26 was a far cry from the PED slugfest now known to fans as "That Game". Jeff "No Mercy" Cesarano started for Jerrys Kids and pitched to the tune of 17 earned in a complete performance. Right-hander Tony Romeo started for Cum Craving Cougars and was pitching well but could not hold on in this heated playground seesaw battle.

The severe heat conditions made it tough on the pitchers as Cesarano had to be rescued from drowning in the sweat puddle he created on the mound. Romeo managed better, bringing a life vest and hiring a Mexican wearing a pair of skull and dragons Paco jeans to blast him with a leaf blower to stay cool. Even though the constant sunshine is glorious for wiff, a day of rain is definitely needed to cool things down and settle the West Brook Stadium dustbowl.

Adam Richardson hit a cycle, one of the rarest events in this league next to a sac fly. Announcer Michael Kay scrutinized Richardson for holding at second to complete the cycle when he clearly could have legged out another triple. "This man is a DISGRACE. Its about winning Paul, not getting your name in the record books! By the way have you tried the new Turkey Hill Bronx Bomber Brownie? They're doing some special things over there at Turkey Hill and by the way listen to my radio show on ESPN 1050, weekdays from 3-7. Pass those Skittles, Paul."

Austin's power surge continued has be belted 3 dingers in the half-DH slot, collecting 6 RBI in the process. "You know, I just go out there and try to help my team win. The stats are silly, we gotta be team players and realize its all about teamwo-- HEY WHO DIDN'T MARK MY FUCKING SINGLE?!"

Kyle Ax was in the starting lineup but did not last long as he had to be carted off the field due to a case of internal diarrhea. He managed to work his way into a tie for the doubles lead and celebrated by projectile vomiting all over second base.

You can't really say much more about stud powerhouse Steve Major. Hes hit an amazing 12 HRs in the last 4 games, which has catapulted him right in the middle of the homerun race. One of his homers was particular impressive as he stared down Big Daddy in a two strike count and smacked the heat into the stands. "Big Daddy knows he can't throw those pussified heaters to me, I'll own his hot ass."

In the end, the Land Rover drive of the game was off the bat of unsung hero, Anthony D'ambrosio. With the bases juiced, the natural leadoff hitter blasted his first career grand slam, but retired before he finished rounding the bases citing that he was happy now and wanted to go swimming.

Donny Baseball made another appearance, but this time he was dressed up in big boy clothes and assumed the role of Don Livio, Senior Scout of Baseball Operations for the Bangladesh Wiffleball League. Asked why he is trying to pluck seasoned superstars from the PWL and bring them to Bangladesh, Don replied, "Its strictly business, I do business, that's what I do." When questioned further Baseball privately revealed his plan of diminishing the league talent so he can lead in all stat categories.


Cum Craving Cougars
Ax: 3-7, 2B
Austin: 10-15. 2 HR, 3 RBI
Richardson: 10-15, HR, 2B, 3B (cycle), 3 RBI
Romeo: 8-15, 3 RBI
Major: 10-15, 3 HR, 8 RBI


Jerrys Kids
A. D'Ambrosio: 4-11, HR (GS), 5 RBI
Cesarano: 7-11, 2 HR, 5 RBI
J. D'Ambrosio: 7-11, 2B, 3 RBI
Santaniello: 7-11, 2 RBI
Austin: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI


Pitching:
Romeo: 9 IP, 18 ER, 5 K
Cesarano: 9 IP, 17 ER, 4 K

PED ACCUSATIONS RUN WILD, PLAYERS UNDER INVESTIGATION AFTER 28 HOMER GAME
by J.J. Haddonfield, Amputations Press - 6/7/2011 9:12 PM ET

Either the apex or the nadir of Paramus Wiffle Ball, this game was an all out, no holds barred, balls-to-the-wall Annie get your gun fuckin’ slugfest. With a combined 28 HR hit on the day, both teams battled back and forth, but it was the Bible Belt who remained in the lead throughout. In fact, despite the slugging on both teams, the game was never really close. Hoss Cesarano came back off the DL and hit his way to a 5-13 line. However, during his final AB, he gave Ax a high five to congratulate his single and fractured his hand.

Don “The Weatherman” Livio came late and promptly slugged a HR. He’s having a truly breakout season, already amassing a 4.6 WAR on the young season. But despite his 3 HR performance, Richardson’s 5 HR performance, and Joe D’s divided HRs, the The Rust Belt simply were never in the game. Ax started and had shaky command from the start, and the Bible Belt took advantage. Major rocked 5 HRs on the day, but Joe D was the one with the bat. DHing and batting for both teams, he hit 6 HRs on the day. Ax notably was just HR short of the triple, and on his last 5 ABs he came inches away, multiple times, from homering. It wasn’t in the cards, but today we all felt that the Wiffle Ball Gods just had something against him.

Cesarano and Richardson continued their Maris-Mantle-esque race by tying and pulling ahead of each other all game. Richardson appears to be pulling away with the title, but Cesarano’s bat is on fire right now, he’s pulling everything over the wall. You gotta remember, with each home run these boys hit, it’s a new single season record, as Richardson held the single season record with 24 in 2010. The summer is just heating up, and these guys look like they’re going the distance.

Hoss was frustrated in the post-game, and told reporters to wait until his specially scheduled press conference at 8:45 PM. Santaniello was throwing furniture in the clubhouse despite his team’s win, “This league is dirty. I don’t care what the fuckin’ media says, there’s more corruption in this league than in NYC politics.” Santaniello was referring to the league-wide investigation about PEDs making their way into PWL. With current drug-testing standards, players are not tested for a variety of substances that could be classified as performance-enhancing. Although stricter drug-testing standards are a part of the conversation, the specific investigation being undertaken by the league is to determine which players are currently juicing.

The league has assigned former commish Brian Legentil to investigate the wide-spread use of PEDs. Legentil famously walked away from PWL after seeing his league turn into a more rigid sport. In 2010 he handed the commissioner duties to co-founder Adam Richardson, who quickly ran the league into the ground with exorbitant gambling debts and bad investments. He was forced to step down amidst allegations that he was sleeping with the Head of Finances of rival league RDWB. Under rumors of the league folding, Santaniello stepped in and filed chapter 9 bankruptcy to protect the league’s assets, and secured a bailout by President Obama to keep the league afloat through the troubling times. Legentil has overseen the financial duties in the past season, including acting as head disciplinarian, so his perspective is an unbiased one. His report will reportedly detail the use and frequency of PEDs in wiffle ball, specifically who uses them.

BREAKING NEWS: At his scheduled press conference, Tim “Hoss” Cesarano has hung up his cleats, announcing his retirement. “It seems like every time I travel this long and lonesome road back to the bigs, I get sidelined with another injury. I’m just gonna hang it up boys. I have had a good run, and I’ve been apart of some great teams. I could be digging ditches somewhere. But I have been blessed to have been apart of this game, and to have been a part of all your lives. To me, my fans…” Hoss began to choke up, as he paused a moment to gather himself before continuing. “To my fans, I thank you all for supporting me through my laundry list of injuries, and it was truly an honor to earn a place in your hearts. Thank you.” The man they call Hoss then wiped the tears away from his face, and left the podium.



Steve: 11 for 16 – 5 HR, Double; 11 RBI
Angelo: 8 for 16 – 2 HR, 2 Doubles; 4 RBI
Jeff: 9 for 15 – 4 HR, Double; 9 RBI
Austin: 7 for 9 – 3 HR; 5 RBI
Joe D: (DH) 13 for 14 – 3 HR, 2 Doubles; 8 RBI

Hoss: 5 for 13
Kyle: 6 for 13 – Triple, Double
Adam: 8 for 13 – 5 HR; 8 RBI
Joe D: (DH) 8 for 11 – 3 HR; 7 RBI
Don: 5 for 7 – 3 HR; 6 RBI

Pitching
Angelo: 9 IP, 21 ER, 11 K
Kyle: 5 IP, 18 ER, 3 K
Adam: 4 IP, 17 ER, 1 K

BUISNESS BY DAY, PROFESSIONAL BY NIGHT: DONNYWOOD STAYS ON THE MAP
by Eunuch Longshanks , Amputations Press - 6/6/2011 9:12 PM ET

One of the quickest games in league history was a thriller to the end, as Tounge Punch the Fart Box could not avoid the brown nose provided by the Gaping Capers. Don Livio was called up from work to help his team win, or as he calls it "get at-bats." He entered the game and made an immediate impact, slashing RBI singles in each of the 5 hits he had. The Fastlane Slugger continues his torrid pace as he has firmly established himself as a true professional hitter.

Tony Romeo turned in a quality 9 innings as he held the Fart Boxes to 5 ER despite the deadly power in the middle of their lineup. He also continued his hot streak, amassing a game-high 8 hits and pushing his average over .500. Jeff "Fireball" Cesarano gave his team a chance to win but just couldn’t hold off the Gaping Capers in the 9th. The small ball rally plated 3 and provided a nice cushion going into the final frame. With two outs in the bottom of the 9th, it all came down to pinch-hitter Adam Richardson as he represented the tying run at the plate. Tony bore down and showcased his Hanrahan stuff as he blew a fastball by the vet for strike three. Richardson was disgusted. "I can't believe I K'd to end the game. My first K in two games. I'll have nightmares about that," as he did cartwheels in a fit of rage.

This game marked the historical debut of Tim "Hoss" Cesarano as he finally recovered from the nasty bilateral oblique coma that kept him out of action for 2 seasons. He played well on his rehab assignment with the Triple-A South Orange Roadhogs, posting a .469 average in 24 at-bats with an astonishing 17 triples. The production did not translate to the Bigs as he struggled but kept high spirits during the action. "It was a tough road back," said Hoss in the news conference. "The hard work my trainers put in and the support from my family gave me the strength to get back to the game I love. I'll see you out there next time gentlemen." He walked off the podium and turned around to give the press a farewell wave, but in the process tragically strained his lower triglyceride hip flexor putting him on the DL indefinitely.

Game NOTES: Ax had two doubles and is now one behind league leader Steve Major. Despite missing some games from alcoholism and pain, he is threatening to lead the league in both doubles and triples, which is no surprise really as he possesses Jeff Gordon speed on the basepaths. Richarson slugged two homers and has retaken the HR crown from Cesarano. This is one of two races that you folks at home should follow. The other race is between Mattson and a roast beef, which one will get burned first?


The Return of Gaping Capers
Austin 5 for 10
Kyle 3 for 10 – 2 Doubles; 1 RBI
Tony Romes 8 for 10; 2 RBI
Steve 4 for 10
Don 5 for 7; 5 RBI

Tounge Punch the Fart Box
Richardson 4 for 10 – 2 HR; 2 RBI
Angelo 6 for 9
Jeff 5 for 9 – 2 Run HR; 3 RBI
Hoss 1 for 9
James 3 for 9

Pitching
Jeff 9 IP, 8 ER, 10 K
Tony Romes 9 IP, 5 ER, 9 K

CUOMOCATS TORTURED BY DONTANAMO BAY DETAINEES
by Skip Harrison, Amputations Press - 6/5/2011 9:06 PM ET

A wild and crazy game right from the start. Dontanamo Bay were heavy favorites going in, and they got off a big start, scoring 3 in the first. The Cuomocats answered back, and for the next 5 innings it would be a tit for tat game. Major continued his power surge as he hit 4 HRs on his way to Player of the Game. Overall it was a slugfest all around, as every single player hit a HR. Richardson came back off the DL and promptly homered in his first at bat. He hit a monstrous 5 home runs on the day, tying him for the league lead with Cesarano, despite having 70 less at bats. Cesarano did his part to stay on pace, as he powered 3 HR of his own, including 2 Grand Slams.

In the 6 inning, the game changed. The biggest WPA swing of the game was Andy "The Hit Man' Mattson tore his ACL on a headfirst slide into first. He had to be taken off the field on a gurney. His status at press time was inconfirmed, but it is assumed at this point that he will miss the remainder of his season. Without Mattson, the Cuomocats had a black hole in the lineup in the form of Jeanna Gardocki, which gravely reduced their chances of winning.

Buccino buckled down on the mound, and reduced the damage in the latter parts of the game. He was clutch in the late going, as he held the Cuomocats scoreless in the last 2 frames, including a clutch strikeout of Cesarano for the final out of the game. In the boxscore the game looked how the odds lined up, but for a few innings, the Cuomocats really had a shot, even leading at one point 17-14. It was a valiant effort, but Dontanamo Bay had too much heat.

Donny Hotdogs continued his slugging by powering 3 HR on the day, though he lost team points by showing little interest in anything but his stats. Questioned about Livio's play after the game, Major was curt in his answers, "That's the way he plays. Next." Santaniello was less guarded, "He's not a team player. Yeah he'll go deep for you, but with him, he's all about his stats." Livio fired back from across the locker room "Angie, I'm the best offense you got!"

Cuomo took the loss hard, "Am I dissapointed? Yeah I'm dissapointed. I had the two leading homerun hitters and my DH left in the middle of the game. We had a lead there, and we lost it. I hate letting the game get away, we had a chance." Richardson echoed Cuomo's sentiments, "Yeah it's disappointing. But I'm glad to be back in the lineup, I feel 100% for the first time in a while."

Ax remains sidelined with a torn right testicle, and Tim "Hoss" Cesarano is suffering from a severe case of gayness. He is expected to be back in late June after attending seminars on the West Coast. Herrick is still lost as sea, the last we heard from him was a message sent to a lighthouse on the north pacific, it read "Lost at sea. Food running low. Nobody trusts anybody, and we're all very tired." His whereabouts are unknown, but he is presumed to have been kidnapped by Somali pirates.


Dontanamo Bay
Buccino: 8-18, HR, 5 RBI
Major: 12-18, 4 HR, 2B, 6 RBI
Santaniello: 11-17, HR, 2B, 5 RBI
Livio: 11-17, 3 HR, 8 RBI


Cuomocats
Cuomo: 4-14, HR, 3 RBI
Richardson: 9-14, 5 HR, 7 RBI
Mattson: 6-6, HR, 2 BB, 1 RBI
Cesarano: 9-14, 3 HR (2 Grand Slams), 10 RBI


Pitching:
Cuomo:
Livio:
Cesarano:
Buccino:

..................


Dildo Tossers
Angelo: 7 for 12 – 3 Run HR, Double; 4 RBI
Joe D: 7 for 10 – Solo HR; 1 RBI
Juicy Joe: 5 for 11 – 3 Run HR; 4 RBI
Pumper: 3 for 7 – Solo HR; 1 RBI
Mattson: 4 for 10 – Solo HR; 1 RBI

Harlem Globetrotters
Steve: 9 for 16 – Solo HR, Double 1 RBI
Austin: 3 for 6
Jeff: 5 for 14 – Solo HR, 2 RBI
Don: 6 for 14 – Two 3 Run HR, Double 7 RBI

Pitching:
Jeff: 9 IP, 11 ER, 5 K
Mattson: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 K
Juicy Joe: 2 IP, 5 ER, 5 K
Santaniello: 2 IP, 1 ER, 1 K (SV, 1)

..................


Shit Kickin White Trash Assholes
Jeff: 9 for 17 - 2 RBI
Steve: 10 for 17 – 2 HR (3R & Solo), Triple; 5 RBI
Joe D: 6 for 13 – 1 RBI

Scum Sucking Fuck Train Cocksuckers
Kyle: 7 for 15 – 2 Triples; 3 RBI
Angelo: 9 for 14 – Triple, Sac Fly; 2 RBI
Anthony: 10 for 15 – Grand Slam; 7 RBI

Pitching:
Kyle: 9 IP, 8 ER, 7 K
Jeff: 8 IP, 12 ER, 6 K

WIFFLE BALL AND THE SOCIOECONOMIC FACTOR
by Greg Dorfman, Amputations Press - 5/24/2011 9:20 PM ET

This game is a perfect example of the tax brackets that are placed upon the modern nuclear family in America while the government subsidizes Big Oil. Wiffle Ball operates under a oligarchy that creates a divide between the players and managers. Example A: Cesarano hits more home runs, extending his lead on the season. Yet he pitches 7 balls per strike, and the piece of the pie grows smaller on every at bat. Imagine that pie was the % of tax income that Big Oil companies pay each year, and the, say, 95% of the rest of the pie is what the middle class pays. Here we see a clear divide between the higher class and the proletariot; the proletariot being the players.

Example B: A batter connects on two straight fouls, then takes a third strike. Santaniello, being the batter, is called out. Is this not the exact modus operandhi of the American Government? Congress is in the pocket of the oil companies, and every rule and regulation, thus, benefits the companies, being that they themselves fund them. Big Oil lobbyists have long secured the role of oil in the future. To the point where the government operates less under a democracy, and more as a branch of the corporate foundations. In a sense, the American government works not for the people, but for profit; a/b = Big Oil.

The stats of this game reflect what has become most apparent in the past few years, and especially under the Bush administration: there is no line between public and private goods. Were it in their best interest to care for public needs, the government would supply them. But it is in fact counter-intuitive to believe that profit doesnt run country. The GDP of American-Foreign assets has been steadily climbing for the past 4 decades, yet the defecit grows larger and larger. So you see, when Richardson came to the plate in the 6th inning, with the Hammers down by 8 runs, it was indicative of the larger judicial strategy of balancing the private and public government options. The private sector has been growing since the Reagan administration, in sometimes astronomical numbers, and yet as the years pass we see government employees laid off by the numbers.

Take Governer Walker in Wisconsin, he may be a corrupt bottom-dweller, and the Union effectively ended his political career, but he is but one in a million. The fact that he was outspoken, in a perfect storm of events that forced his views to be made public, should not be taken for granted. We need more Unions to step up to their representatives. The more we protest against government corruption, the closer the divide becomes. And once we bridge the gap between public and private government, we will find ourselves playing a game of Wiffle Ball free of corporate sponsors and private funding.



Herpes Hammers:
D'Ambrosio: 8 for 10; RBI
Cesarano: 5 for 10 - Solo HR; 3 RBI
Mattson: 8 for 10 - 3 HR (2R & 2 Solo); 4 RBI
Buccino: 6 for 10 - 3 Run HR; 3 RBI
Romeo: 7 for 10 - Grand Slam; 7 RBI


Chlamydia Crusaders:
Ax: 4 for 9 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Santaniello: 5 for 8 - BB
Major: 8 for 10; 4 RBI
Richardson: 4 for 10 - 2 Run HR; 2 RBI
Herrick: 2 for 9

Pitching:
Cesarano: 8 IP, 7 ER, 11 K
Ax: 5 IP, 10 ER, 5 K
Mattson: 1 IP, 0 ER, 0 K
Richardson: 1 IP, 4 ER, 0 K
Major: 1 IP, 1 ER, *K'd Mattson*
Herrick: 1 IP, 3 ER, 2 K
Santaniello: 1 IP 0 ER, 0 K

LEAGUE OFFICIAL: "GAME UNDER REVIEW UNTIL FURTHER INVESTIGATION"
Amputations Press - 5/24/2011 9:20 PM ET

Due to inconsistencies with the stat sheet, game 18 is under review from PWL until further investigation. A league official said Tuesday, following the game:

"The stat sheet is true and mostly honest, but it doesn't reflect what was commonly understood on the field. The game is under review until we can figure out what happened. We're all working on it, the thing to remember in a situation like this is just to come to the most logical conclusion. The fair thing to do is refer to the stat sheet, but we still need to conduct an investigation into the game. We'll have an update as soon as possible."

Within official guidelines, the league must come to a decision within 3 days or the game will be suspended and re-played.

Precinct 13:
Ax: 9-12, 4 2B, 5 RBI
Herrick: 6-12, HR (Grand Slam), 7 RBI
J. D'Ambrosio: 9-11, HR, 3 RBI
Mattson: 6-11, HR, 3 RBI
Alvich: 4-11, 2 RBI


Street Thunder Gang:
Richardson: 7-11, 3 HR, 8 RBI
Santaniello: 8-11, 2B, 2 RBI
Major: 6-11
T. D'Ambrosio: 4-11, HR, 4 RBI
Cesarano: 6-10, 2 HR, 2B, 6 RBI


Pitching:
Mattson: 7 IP, 15 ER, 1 K
Herrick: 2 IP, 5 ER, 2K
Santaniello: 9 IP, 20 ER, 5 K

復讐は私のものです ("VENGEANCE IS MINE")
by Hung Lu, Amputations Press - 5/19/2011 9:05 PM ET

どのようなゲーム！私は、最後に初球からそれを見てこれらの2つのチームが武士のように戦った。私はparticuarlyバディBuccinoは、非常に、非常に経済的なプロの投球方法が好きだった。 14三振！うわー！ Livioさんは、私は本当にこの男を好きで、彼のパワーサージを続けている。彼は良い野球の試合を果たしている時、彼はあまりそれをホットドッグ。 Samuari文化では、腕利きの余地がある。私は彼がsamurariされている場合、彼は強力な剣を振ることではないかと心配しています。

専攻は別の本塁打を打つことによって彼の連勝を続けている。彼はまだシーズン半ばの暑さの中で苦労しているようにリチャードソンは、あまりにもよくやっていかなかった。私は試合が終わった後、彼と話し、彼はすぐに彼のスランプから抜け出すことを私に約束した。私はまた、私に言わSantanielloに話しかけた、"私が殺したとあなたの奥さんをレイプあなたが知っている場合は、ミッドランド通りの高架下で午前2時に私を満たしています。あなたは続いていないしていることを確認知っている。"

だから私は彼に会って、彼は私の家族の攻撃をimpliciatingいくつかのドキュメントを与えた。迅速かつ猛烈な復讐と、私は復讐を制定した。私はロディのautorepair店で働いて、最初の加害者を追跡。私は彼が仕事を降りるのを待った。私は彼を見て、一晩を待っていた。午後9時、彼は店を終了し、彼の車まで歩いて行った。私は彼をfolowed。彼は家に帰って、私は彼の家にロックと破壊を選ぶ前に2時間を待った。ステルスで、私は彼の家に階段自分の道をこっそりと彼のベッドルームを見つけた。私の日本刀の一振りで、私は彼の妻の顔を拭き取ってスライス。彼女は、私が上下ので、彼女の夫は、彼が被害を見ることが彼女をシャットダウンして彼女の心を介してその権利を刺したので、痛みで叫んだ。私は彼の8歳の娘が、私は彼女の髪をgrabedインチ歩いて、最後に彼の娘の無邪気な顔を見せ慈悲、彼の嘆願を待って、私の剣を上げ、私は彼女の頭は彼女をdecapitating、拭き取ってスライス。次に私は彼の喉を削減する前に、男の腕を切り落とした。私は午前4時に自宅を残しました。

私は私のリストに3左側を持っています。そして、私は狩りはすべての最後の1つ下ゆっくりと壊滅的な死を制定するまで休むことはありません。

Cream of Sumyungai
Buddy - 1 for 10
Don - 6 for 10 - Solo HR, 2 RBI
Tony - 5 for 10 - 2 HR (Two 2R), 4 RBI
Jeff - 4 for 10 - Solo Bunt HR, 1 RBI

Wonton Kings
Angelo - 3 for 10 - Solo HR, 1 RBI
Mattson - 2 for 9 Double
Adam - 2 for 9
Steve - 3 for 9 – 2 HR (2R & Solo), 3 RBI

Pitching:
Adam - 6 IP, 7 ER, 2 K
Buddy - 9 IP, 4 ER, 14 K
Angelo - 1 IP, 0 ER, 0 K
Mattson - 2 IP, 0 ER, 0 K

THE STARS, THE LIGHTS, THE FASTLANE: TAKE A TRIP TO DONNYWOOD
Amputations Press - 5/22/2011 9:05 PM ET

Game 16 offered some new talent and old tricks. Anthony D'Ambrosio started the game but was pulled due to tightness in his throwing elbow as he winced when tossing his signature sausage slurve. Donny Baseball came in for long relief and threw a manageable game, giving up 6 in 6 innings. Baseball was roughed up early as Big Daddy and Santaniello took him deep to take a 4-3 lead. He showed poise from then on, throwing a few scoreless innings and minimizing the damage overall.

This game marked the debut of Tony Buccino, a right-handed power hitter who connected for 2 home runs off Cesarano in back-to-back at-bats. Quite the debut for the promising prospect as his quick bat speed and patience at the plate proved lethal at the confines of WB Stadium.

The story of the day however, was Donny Baseball as he went beastmode at the plate, smacking 2 homers and a double while amassing 7 RBI. "He's on a torrid pace, really amazing what the Hollywood Dog could do against quality pitches," said Jeff. He even transcended his doggy style approach as the speed that is rarely shown has made some recent appearances. Could this be a flourishing breakout consisting of power AND speed? Uh-oh, watch out PWL.

Adam Richardson was activated from the 15-day DL after being treated for a nasty foreign syndrome known as leg weakness. Right-hander Mike McCue was optioned to Double-A Paterson Foamdogs to make room on the roster. Richardson was eased back slowly as he was given some DH work and delivered a RBI single. Buddy also contributed a RBI with one of the rarest plays in the league, the sac fly.

Authorities are questioning Jeff as he was recently accused of being linked to BALCO. There were questions arising about steroid use as his pitch counts have exceeded 900 in numerous outings and his home run totals have suspiciously skyrocketed. 2009: 1 HR. 2010: 1 HR. 2011: 14 HR! When asked about his link to steroids by reporters, Jeff started sweating profusely, "I don’t have to answer these questions, why are you ASKING me THESE questions?! YOU DON'T KNOW ME! ITS UNDER CONTROL GOD DAMMIT!" Jeff threw a headbutt into Channel 9 reporter Russ Salzberg and flipped over the team concessions table as he stormed out of the clubhouse in a fit of fury.

Dolphin Cocksuckers
Don - 7 for 12 - 2 HR (3R & 2R), Double, 7 RBI
Tony - 6 for 12 - 2 HR (2R & Solo), 3 RBI
Steve - 7 for 11
Ant D - 3 for 11
Adam (DH) - 0 for 2

Slobby Dulas
Buddy - 5 for 10 - Sac Fly, 1 RBI
Angelo - 7 for 11 - 2 Run HR, 3 RBI
Jeff - 6 for 11 - Solo HR, 2 RBI
Mattson - 3 for 11
Adam (DH) - 1 for 2, 1 RBI

Pitching:
Jeff - 7 IP, 9 ER, 12 K
Ant D - 2 IP, 1 ER, 3 K
Don - 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 K
Mattson - 2 IP, 1 ER, 1 K
Tony - 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 K (SV)

I WANT STEVE IN ME's HAMMER OUT HOMERS TO KEEP ROLLING
Amputations Press - 5/19/2011 9:05 PM ET

Game 2 of the doubleheader was shortened due to a little rain, a little darkness, and a lot of gayness. Santaniello took the mound for the I Want Steve In Mes and wasn't his best but he managed to claw his way into the 7th and earned the win. Anthony started for the Grundels as he was looking to build on a strong relief effort in the pervious game.

Santaniello looked shaky in the first inning as Steve cranked his 6th homer of the season and looking very good while doing so. As Steve rounded the bases you could hear roars, "Yayyyyy!!! Go A-Rod!!" yelled his youngster fans. Anthony followed suit as he went deep and displayed the Romeo power that we were so impressed by in the first game.

A pizza was ordered to the field and proved to be performance enhancers again, as Santaniello took Anthony deep in back-to-back at-bats with a mouthful of pizza. Gracious table setters, Mattson and Ax proved to get the hits when they were needed. Kyle felt the pizza as well as he jacked another 2 run no-doubter, and blew up the bathroom in the clubhouse. The Grundel's came back slightly off a 2 run shot from Jeff. "Its amazing, Jeff has the most bullshit homeruns, I will make him my cocksucker" said big league chew Andrew Mattson. Like his round one fantasy pick, Dan Uggla, he doesn't hit for average but Daddy does get his deep balls.

Drenched Grundels
Anthony - 6 for 11 - Solo HR, 1 RBI
Steve - 7 for 11 - 2 Run HR, 2 RBI
Jeff - 2 for 11 - 2 Run HR, 2 RBI

I Want Steve In Me
Kyle - 3 for 9 - 2 Run HR, 2 RBI
Angelo - 6 for 9 - 2 HR (3R & 2R), 5 RBI
Mattson - 5 for 8
Joe - 1 for 1

Pitching:
Angelo - 7 IP, 5 ER, 6 K
Anthony - 5 IP, 7 ER, 5 K
Jeff - 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 K

AX MURDERER FOUND GUILTY: TWO COUNTS OF ABSOLUTE POWER
Amputations Press - 5/19/2011 9:05 PM ET

After a week of rain and multiple postponed games, the wiffle ball gods kindly shed some sunshine and allowed a window of opportunity to squeeze a pair of games in. Game 14 was a hard fought battle between Grandma's Sauce and Grandpa's Gravy but in the end it was the Kyle Ax show that reigned supreme.

Kyle squared off against... you guessed it, Jeff Cesarano in a 'sworn enemies' type of environment. Ax showed his dominance on the mound, appearing virtually un-hittable early on and very reminiscent of past wiffleballer, Gaylord Perry. He cemented his pitching strategy as a flyball pitcher, really coming inside on the opposition and forcing them to take short swings leading to what seemed like thousands of pop-ups.

The game started off with a bang as Kyle helped his own cause and absolutely blasted a 3 run shot in the top of the 1st. Joe D contributed with his own 2 run bomb and there was no looking back from there. Big Daddy wasn't his best but was pleased with his performance. "I was hitting my spots, we were just facing pure professionals today."

Ax then dropped more mouths by cranking his first career grand slam and generally putting on a clinic for all to study. He was not done yet as he added a 2 run triple and dominated all aspects of the game. "Hes a five tool player," said Santaniello, "I'm very impressed in his game, but how the fuck did he not pull off the cycle?" Ax was a double shy of the cycle as he just couldn't find that elusive 2 bagger but was outstanding otherwise by clubbing two homers and a triple while driving in 9.

Anthony Romeo had a solid game, coming in and pitching sound relief for the struggling Jeff Cesarano. "Big Daddy looked fucking great out there today," said team motivator Steve Major out of pure motivation. Anthony also provided most of the offense for Gravy as he broke up the shutout with a grand slam in the 7th. The other run came from a very impressive garbage time homer by Jeff. In a calculation according to Elias Sports Bureau, 94% of Jeffs hits come when the game is completely out of reach, landing him the new nickname "Garbage Man" and the slogan "In this town, the Garbage Man works late."


Grandma's Sauce
Kyle - 7 for 16 - 2 HRs (3R & Grand Slam), Triple; 9 RBI
Angelo - 10 for 16
Joe - 8 for 16 - 2 HRs (2R & Solo); 3 RBI

Grandpa's Gravy
Steve - 7 for 15
Jeff - 5 for 14 - Solo HR
Anthony - 6 for 14 - Grand Slam, 4 RBI

Pitching:
Kyle - 9 IP, 5 ER, 1 K
Jeff - 6 IP, 9 ER, 8 K
Anthony - 3 IP, 3 ER, 4 K

NEW BLOOD: SCERBO BREAKOUT THE DIFFERENCE
Amputations Press - 5/14/2011 9:05 PM ET

Game 2 of the doubleheader marked a breakout performance, a solid outing from a righty trying to find himself, and ultimate dogging at its pinnacle. Andrew Mattson had been roughed up in his previous outings so he decided to put in some work with famous pitching coach Red "Bullfrog" Taylor. "Hes got the late movement on his slider and sinker, hes just gotta cut down on those gnocchi dishes before games and he'll be just fine," said Bullfrog. The gnocchi dishes were in full effect, but the tables had turned as Mattson turned in a quality start a la Brad Penny going 8 strong and surrendering only 5 runs.

The Cosbys got on the board early by a 2 run bomb from Jeff Cesarano. The big man, a pure swinger, is getting in his fair share of dingers having knocked out 10 on the season. Santaniello padded as he cranked a solo shot to left. Grassland responded quickly by a solo shot from esteemed slugger Richardson, who has hit safely in his last 12 games.

The story of the game was Jeff Scerbo, a hot hitting prospect that had finally been called up and given his shot in the bigs. "He can't hit one out! Get outta here, Sit down!" yelled Juicy Joe Palmaccio as Scerbo waited patiently in the box. The crowd braced itself and Scerbo truly made the Juice man eat his words as he turned on the next pitch and ripped a 2 run shot in the tennis court, giving Grassland a 5-3 lead. In the 8th the Cosbys tied it up with clutch RBIs from Jeff and Tony D'Ambrosio.

Big Daddy Cesarano is leading the race for the Brown Glove in a landslide, a great award honoring the shittiest fielder of the year. "Hes been great on the mound but pretty horrid anywhere else," spoke Bill Herrick. "He gets way too comfortable in the field and you know its over when he starts sprinkling grass all over his face and launching dirt bombs at teammates." Jeff's brown glove proved to be costly as his fielding blunders allowed the go ahead runs to reach base. The dangerous Scerbo then ripped a 2 run single to give Grassland the lead and eventually winning runs, cementing himself as an easy choice for POTG.

Joe P turned out to be the hard luck loser because of the extremely shotty fielding. He tossed 3 great innings before being eaten by the blunder monster. Joe spoke of the last few innings to reporters, "Costly errors like that really kill the team and morale... and my ERA, hey aren't those unearned runs by the way?"

Game Notes: Steve quietly had a solid game, going 4 for 7 with his amazing league leading 8th double of the year.... Speaking of doubles, Donny legged out his first career double. Truly amazing considering the "all or nothing" approach at the plate.... Buddy notched his first save of the season by winning an epic battle against Ant D for the last out of the game, lots of respect was gained between those two grinders



The Cosbys
Angelo - 3 for 7 - Solo HR, 1 RBI
Bill - 5 for 7
Joe P - 2 for 7
Jeff - 3 for 7 - 2 Run HR, 3 RBI
Ant D - 2 for 7 - 1 RBI
Caufield - 0 for 6

Grassland
Buddy - 5 for 8
Don 4 for 7 - Double, 1 RBI
Steve 4 for 7 - Double
Scerbo 3 for 7 - 2 Run HR, go-ahead single, 4 RBI
Mattson - 2 for 7
Adam 2 for 7 - Solo HR, 2 RBI

Pitching:
Bill - 4 IP, 5 ER, 6 K
Joe P - 4 IP, 2 ER, 9 K
Mattson - 8 IP, 5 ER, 4 K
Buddy - 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K (SV)

Tight Game Turns Blowout as Late Homers Prove Costly
Amputations Press - 5/14/2011 9:05 PM ET

In the first of two, this Saturday matinee game was a roller coaster ride until it was put out of reach deep into the game. Early on it was a game of small ball as Donny Baseball, Buddy, and Steve strung together a few singles to give Penis Prince an early lead. "Small ball? What is that?" asked Don very seriously. Santaniello then gave his team some breathing room by blasting a 3 run shot in the bleachers, his 9th of the season. The Princes took a dominating 8-0 lead by putting runs on the board in each of the first 4 frames.

Santaniello started strong, hurling 4 spotless innings before unraveling in the 5th. With two outs, it appeared that Penis Prince would escape the jam with limited damage before Jeff Cesarano sent a 3 run shot over the green monster to pull his team within five. Bill didn't like being left out as he responded with a jack of his own, back to back and his first of the season. As the Heros cut the lead in half, the crowd was buzzing and you could feel the momentum shift. In his first game this season, Anthony D'ambrosio stepped up to the plate and smashed the ball out, completing the back-to-back-to-back. "Santaniello seems to give up runs in bunches," spoke Hogans skipper Jeff Cesarano. "Its kind of like ordering Wing Lee, the pressure keeps building to a breaking point where you meltdown and phone in a Kung Pow chicken platter."

With the game tight at 8-7, the Princes went to their bullpen early and turned the ball over to right hander Buddy. It was an outstanding move as Buddy threw 4 shutout innings while striking out 7 and preserving the win. "He paints you into a corner and then throws the whole bucket of paint on you," said Bill. A sparkling relief performance, Buddy proved why he is such a dominant force in this league.

The Penis Princes pulled away in the 8th as Cesarano lost command and could not prevent a massive rally led by a 2 homer inning from Juicy Joe Palmaccio and a 2 run shot from Donny "Hollywood" Baseball. "Its insulting when he just stands there and admires it," said Mattson. Don was spotted in the locker room still standing and admiring it long after the stadium had cleared out.

Juicy Joe's solo shot was a towering shot that hit the top of the fence and just barely fell over to put the Princes up by 2. There was another controversial call in this game as Jeff jacked a monster shot that hit on the top of the foul pole fence, but fell outside the tennis court. Jeff pleaded his case that it should of been fair while Mattson laughed in his face. The skipper was heated in the post game news conference and it got so tense that he pulled out his glock 9mm while on a tirade. "Who writes these fucking rules? Am I the only one who gives a shit about the rules!? Mark it fair Smokey!"

Game Notes: There was truly no clear cut player of the game as all bats were producing and a solid bullpen effort resulted in a massive tie for PoTG award (I know, cop-out).... This game also marked the debut of prospect Jeff Scerbo who went a solid 4 for 6 and hinted at big things to come.... Mattson went on the 60-day DL following todays action as he took a foul tip off his balls and strained his oblique in the process


Penis Prince:
Buddy - 7 for 10 - Double
Angelo - 6 for 10 - 3 Run HR, 5 RBI
Steve - 4 for 10 - 1 RBI
Don - 6 for 9 - 2 Run HR, 4 RBI
Joe P - 3 for 9 - 2 HR (3R & Solo), 5 RBI
Scerbo - 4 for 6

Hogans Heros:
Vavosa - 3 for 9
Jeff - 4 for 9 - 3 Run HR, 3 RBI
Bill 3 for 9 - Solo HR, 1 RBI
Ant D - 5 for 8 - Solo HR, 1 RBI
Mattson - 1 for 8 - 2 RBI

Pitching:
Angelo - 5 IP, 7 ER, 7 K
Buddy - 4 IP, 0 ER, 7 K
Jeff - 9 IP, 15 ER, 8 K

JUICY JOE MAKES WEST LEAGUE DEBUT WITH LIGHTS-OUT START
Amputations Press - 5/12/2011 11:34 PM ET

Game 11 marked the debut of 2 superstars. "Juicy Joe" Palmaccio made his debut in the West Side League after being traded last week. After a mix-up regarding his physical, doctors cleared him to play on Thursday and he made his first career West Side start. He dazzled fans early, hitting a towering fly ball in his first ever at bat. He crushed 3 HR in his debut, but Santaniello traded for him for one big reason: his arm. And it did not disappoint. Juicy Joe went 6 strong, surrending only 6 hits and no runs in the daylight-shortened game.

Game 11 also marked the season debut of a familiar face: Bill "Square Jaw" Herrick. His veteran presence made a huge difference last year, as he finished 2nd in the MVP voting. But he tore his rotator cuff at a Phish show in Februrary and missed the first 10 games of the season. He was rehabbing until just Wednesday, when he felt he was good enough to play. Still, Santaniello played it safe, keeping Herrick on the bench until the 3rd inning. "I just didn't wanna throw him out there. I want him to know we're being careful with him because we need him," Santaniello said in the post-game interview. When reporters asked Herrick how he felt, he responded "Good, good. I got a little catching up to do, but I feel ready to pad my stats."

Palmaccio flirted with a no-hitter, but Ax broke it up. Vavosa went 2-4 against Juicy Joe, possibly something to look out for in future battles. Juicy Joe sat in the clubhouse for a while after the game, answering every reporters questions. When asked if the smaller strikezone was a disadvantage, he said "In a way, yeah, but I'm just gonna have to adjust. When you play so long in one league, with their rules, it is kind of tough to suddenly switch. But I'm a fast learner, and I have a good team behind me. I'm still learning the rules," said the modest Palmaccio.

Ax was noticeably upset at Cesarano during the first game, and we were all waiting for these two to brawl in the second game. "It's bullshit. He dials it up against me every time, like he takes some kind of sadistic joy in striking me out. Well I got a surprise for him. Next time I'm up there, I'm letting go of the bat and just letting it fly, hitting that motherfucker right in the face." Cesarano initially declined to comment, but then offered "cry me a river. I pitch the same garbage against everyone." Cesarano layed on the outfield grass for the majority of the game.

Tim Cesarano could not make the game, as he's still rehabbing from Tommy John surgery he had 2 years ago. It's been a rough few years for the bearded righthander; he's experienced setback after setback on his road to recovery. We spoke with Tim over the phone, and he said he felt "about 60%" healthy. "The problem is, man, these chemtrails keep messing up my immune system. So every time I try to heal, the Military Industrial Complex has to do something to mess it up again."


Kind Gentlemen:
Richardson: 4-7
Santaniello: 3-6
Palmaccio: 4-6. 3 HR, 5 RBI
Cesarano: 2-6, HR, RBI
Herrick: 3-6
Romeo: 0-1

Fine Fellows:
D'Ambrosio: 1-5
Bufalo: 0-5
Ax: 2-5
Vavosa: 2-4
Romeo: 0-1
Mattson: 1-3

Pitching:
Palmaccio - 6 IP, 0 ER, 12 K
D'Ambrosio - 3 IP, 4 ER
Ax - 3 IP, 2 ER

GARRETT BODINES TELL SLADES TO BACK OFF IN A BIG WAY
Amputations Press - 5/12/2011 9:20 PM ET

This game marked the 3rd time this season that aces Big Daddy Cesarano and Prince Santaniello faced off. Everyone was dreading the upcoming pitching duel as both players are currently racing for the third annual Cy Hung award. However, the bats came alive for both teams and the battle came down to the art of pure swing.

The Ed Boffalo debut shook the PWL world as he displayed poise at the plate and blasted a 2 run jack in his first career plate appearance. "I got a pitch I liked and just tried putting plastic on the ball," said Ed. The promising prospect wasn't finished there as he erupted for a second 2 run homer off veteran Santaniello. "I normally don't do this kind of pussy shit, but hats off to the rook," said Santaniello as he burned out a cigarette on his dickhole in disgust.

Richardson kept the league-leading homer pace, dinging another dinger over the green monster, his 11th of the season. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!" screamed Kyle for no apparent reason. Joe went a respectable 6 for 10 but was heard threatening fans asking for autographs. It was a reasonable threat as the fans were actually yelling something about going back to Turkey where he came from.

Santaniello desperately needed a game like this as he finally snapped his massive 3 for 105 slump. When asked how he broke the slump, he remarked, "Maybe because I slaughtered that bald eagle in the clubhouse, or it could have been Steve's presence in my mind." He was speaking literally as Steve had used telepathy to transfer his power into Prince's body and hit the grand slam himself. The scorer ruled that the grand slam would be credited towards Steve's stats.

Steve had another wet inducing performance going 9 for 12 and hitting two homers. "Hes like a man with a dildo stuck in his ass, he just doesn't sit down," said Big Daddy. Kyle also displayed his speed, smacking yet another double and proving his legs are his most impressive asset. "Hes like a man in a room full of dildos, he just can't settle for one," remarked Daddy about the double.

Vavosa also kept his hot bat alive as he cranked his second homer in two days. He is truly a man of grit as he grinds through at bats, making the pitcher go deep into counts and waiting on that one mistake. "Prince II has hidden power, I mean he does have super saiyan blood," said trainer Steve Major. "That's why I drafted him,eagle eye," remarked Santaniello. "I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU!!!" said Kyle as Matt crossed the plate celebrating by running backwards with a tire iron up his ass.

Game Notes: Anthony Romeo showed comfort in the DH role, as he spread the wealth and gave both teams RBIs and solid dog pounds.... Hung Lu was seen at batting practice but disappeared before the game started due to the recent Drew allegations.... Tim "Hoss" Cesarano was spotted in the stadium and it was rumored he was penciled into the starting lineup, but it turns out he was just leeching the clubhouse's T1 internet speed to score Phish tickets... Here is the game summary in shorter form: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm2kGV3Uutg

Garret Bodines:
Kyle: 5-13, 2B
Angelo: 9-12, HR (Grand Slam), 4 RBI
Steve: 9-12, 2 HR, 3 RBI
Matt: 3-11, HR, 3 RBI
Anthony: 3-10, 2 RBI


Slades:
Eddie: 4-10, 2 HR, 4 RBI
Adam: 4-10, 1 HR, 2 RBI
Joe: 6-10
Jeff: 4-10
Anthony: 3-7, RBI

Pitching:
Jeff - 9 IP, 11 ER, 12 K
Angelo - 9 IP, 7 ER, 5 K

CUNT CRUSADERS ROLL, 'BUKKAKE' THE BRUISERS
Amputations Press - 5/11/2011 10:04 PM ET

Game 9 started with a bang, but ended with nothing but a whimper. The Bukkake Bruisers got out to an early lead on the heels of a Matt Vavosa 2-run bomb off Cesarano. Cesarano got off to a rocky start, but buckled down after a shaky first. He would not let up another run for the rest of the game, until being pulled in the 6th after his pitch count soared.

The Cunt Crusaders answered right back in the bottom of the 1st as Mattson hit a rare sac fly, then Richardson unloaded for a Grand Slam. Richardson put in a great performance at the plate, with 2 HR and knocking in 8 of the Crusaders 11 runs. In one at bat, Richardson hit a towering fly ball to left-center, but the wind was so strong, it pulled the ball just foul, after going over the fence fair. Tennis court rule in place, it was called a foul. On the next pitch, Richardson hit what looked like the farthest home run ever hit at West Brook Stadium.

The game then took on a slow pace as both pitchers got in a groove. There would only be one more run scored for the rest of the game. Mattson took over pitching duties and pitched 3 innings, surrending one run on a scorched ball by Ax. Taking a cue, Ax then pitched 4 scoreless innings that opened everyone's eyes. Steve said in the post-game "I think he's a really good pitcher. Also, he's a good pitcher."

Richardson closed out the game, using his newfound knucleball, with a scoreless 9th. Overall, the two teams showed early life, but lost their hearts sometime around the 6th inning. They had it on cruise control for the rest of the game. Cuomo declined to speak about his rocky start after the game, as he just jumped in his van in the 9th inning and hightailed it. At press time, sources could not locate Mr. Cuomo for comment.

Santaniello continues to slump despite his 5-10 performance. His power is missing, but he's getting good wood on the ball. "I'm just not getting around on that fastball the way I want to. I need to jack off another horse and sacrifice his semen to the baseball God's like I did before the first few games," he said in the post-game interview. Steve Major continued his barrage of hits despite the Crusaders playing the newly-formed Major Shift, as he connected for 5 more to secure his league lead. He looks like First Ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter out there.

Cesarano will undergo an MRI on Thursday to see if there's any tear in his throwing arm. "I'm hoping for the best, but you never know. I throw a lot of pitches but it doesn't phase me. I think I pulled a muscle while jacking off." Richardson was not available at press time, as he was seen singing in the showers while waving his dick around, slapping teammates. Ax took the loss hard, disappointed in his performance, calling Cesarano "a fuckin' asshole," while he burned a visage of him in the locker room. Vavosa was excited about his HR, but still took the loss hard, "I"m a team player. Individual stats don't matter to me, I care about the team."

Hung Lu showed up for the first pitch, but left soon after Major was overheard saying he was gonna rape someone. Hung Lu has experienced some tough times, his daughter was raped in 1992, after which Mr. Lu went on a vigilante rampage, hunting and gunning down every rapist in Paramus with cold blooded vengeance. Ever since then, his tears at night are filled with rage and sorrow. His soul has gone into a deep abyss. Lu has no fear, yet no regrets either. At 7:00am on a brisk morning in June 1997, Lu was pondering the dreams that had haunted him for all these years. He sat in his Kewet City-Jet smoking a Marlboro Red, staring into the distance knowing what had to be done. He grabbed an arsenic rag and a bowie knife and entered the house of Drew, the trainwreck cock sucking bum that starred in Rocky Horror Picture Show who wore the same set of stained scrubs at all times. Hung knocked Drew out with the arsenic rag and then proceeded to slice off his nipples with the bowie knife. Hung remembered his daughters rape, the pain and suffering that they endured, and then suddenly realized that Drew had nothing to do with that incident. Lu figured what the hell and continued to wear the cut off pepperoni nipples over his eyes while laughing and screaming out a violent mixture of Korean and German. Ever since then, Drew turned fag and couldn't stop smoking pole for the rest of his shitty life. Hung disappeared for years after that occasion, but recently resurfaced as a dedicated season ticket holder for the wiffleball league. Major had brought up some bad memories, so Hung decided it was time to go home and have some chai tea.




Bukkake Bruisers:
Ax: 5-10, RBI
Vavosa: 5-10, HR, 2 RBI
Cuomo: 3-9
Major: 5-10
Romeo: 1-2


Cunt Crusaders:
Richardson: 6-11, 2 HR (Grand Slam), 8 RBI
Cesarano: 7-11, HR, 1 RBI
Santaniello: 5-10, RBI
Mattson: 6-10, RBI
Romeo: 4-4


Pitching:
Jeff - 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks
Matton - 3, 1 ER, 2 K
Richardson - 1 IP, 0 ER
Cuomo - 5 IP, 11 ER, 4 K
Ax - 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 K

RICHARDSON BLASTS LEAD TO A MUDDY MOTHERS DAY
Amputations Press - 5/08/2011 9:43 PM ET

It was a pleasant Mothers Day game at West Brook Stadium as the players sported pink g-strings in support of all things homoerotic. The game marked the debut of Joe Buccino, a veteran in his own right from the PWL East league based out of Palmaccio Park. Buddy started the game for Black Mud and was absolutely mowing down the opposition, striking out 12 in a dazzling first 5 innings.

Reigning MVP Adam Richardson had quite the day as he gave Mud an early lead with a solo shot and proceeded to blast two more dingers giving him 3 on the day. The Hard Gaggers finally found their stroke in the 6th after twenty seven times through the order. Stringing together hit after hit and spreading RBIs around like butter on loaf, they threw up 5 on the board to take a strong lead at 7-3. Steve Major led the attack as he winded up with a team high 7 hits, including his league-leading 7th double of the season. The Gags also received some quality fielding from Vavosa, whos found his comfort zone in shallow right field. Hes been flashing the gold, as he capitalized on a base running blunder by McCue and doubled his ass up. The game was clearly in the Gaggers hands if they could finish strong.

Jeff "Big Daddy" Cesarano started for Gags and gave his team a quality start, going 5 innings and surrendering 3 runs while striking out 6 before getting pulled for precautionary reasons. "I didn't want Big Daddy going the distance," said team captain Steve Major. "We gotta save that arm for other things, outside of wiffleball." Prince Vegeta stood in complete awe, crushed that Major had found another arm.

Prince relieved Big Daddy, but wasn't quite himself as his velocity was way down and his control wasn't on cue. Lead by the slugger Richardson, Black Mud started a rally that proved to be devastating for the Hard Gaggers. Santaniello pulled a Brandon Lyon as he blew the game and took his first loss of the season. The meltdown was highlighted by a 9th inning rally in which the Gaggers struggled to record an out. Finally, with the bases loaded and the game tied, Sir Michael McCue Esq. roped a single up the middle to drive in the winning run for Black Mud. Reporters asked Santaniello in the post-game conference what exactly went wrong in that drastic ninth inning. "Fuck off. Next," said the disgruntled righty.

Donny Baseball wasn't the Hollywood slugger we're used to seeing as he went homerless but still put together a solid line, ripping 8 hits and driving in two. His notorious dogging almost cost his team some outs as the Coors Light Freeze Cam had to be used to check some close plays at first. Sir Michael McCue not only walked off, but he also shut down the Gaggers bats, throwing 3 scoreless innings in his season debut. Sir Michael is truly no stranger to the mound, as he finished 2010 with a 2-0 record sporting a sexy 8.30 ERA. We may see more Esquire magic this year as Big Daddy seemed to have run up his inning count a bit high in the early going of the season. When asked how his health would affect his next turn in the rotation, Cesarano remarked, "Give me 3 days, two even, and I'll be pitching 'til the coons come home."

More interestingly enough, this game marked the second walkoff win this week, a rarity seen in this league. It was a wonderful Mothers Day game, and the pink g-strings were later donated to SIN, a charity in support of Strippers In Need.


Hard Gaggers:
Angelo - 5 for 12: 5 Singles; 1 RBI
Jeff - 5 for 12: 5 Singles; 3 RBI
Steve - 7 for 12: 6 Singles, 1 Double; 3 RBI
Matt - 4 for 11: 4 Singles

Black Mud:
Don - 8 for 14: 8 Singles; 2 RBI
Richardson - 7 for 14: 4 Singles, 3 Solo Home Runs; 5 RBI
Buddy - 6 for 14: 6 Singles
Sir Michael - 6 for 14: 6 Singles; 1 RBI

Pitching:
Jeff - 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 Ks
Buddy - 6 IP, 7 ER, 12 Ks
Prince - 4 IP, 5 ER, 1 K
McCue - 3 IP, 0 ER, 0 Ks

DONNY BASEBALL: THE SLUGGER PART DEUX
Amputations Press - 5/07/2011 7:02 PM ET

Game 7 was more of a wiffle ball game. In that it had RUNS. Remember those? We used to score them all the time! Cuomo started the game in his first career start, and started rocky, giving up a 2-Run HR by Livio. He gathered his head and pitched better for the next few innings, but he couldn't retire Livio. Livio blasted 4 HR off of Cuomo, including a Grand Slam in the 7th to put the game away.

Steve had an amazing 8-8 line, including a record 4 doubles in a single game. Cesarano could be heard complaining from right field all game about how he wasn't allowed to pitch. His mom came and yelled at us for being "mean little boys" for not letting him pitch.

Livio and Richardson shined in the field, making Hollywood catches and showing off. Richardson caught a liner off the bat of McCue at point blank range, and Livio made many flashy jump throws while flexing his muscles. Santaniello's outing on the mound wasn't noteworthy, in that a Quality Start is what you just expect from him now. In the end it was a game to harken us back to the wiffle ball days of yore. Old Man Blumpkin even showed up to watch a few innings.

Reporters entered the clubhouse following the game and walked right past superstars like Major, Richardson, Santaniello, and only wanted to speak with Livio. Livio entered the clubhouse clad in a leotard, smoking a cigar. When asked about his performance in game 7, he deflected the question, and instead had the lights turned down low, and quoted his favorite soliloquy: "Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves, and set them upright at their dear friends' doors. Even when their sorrows almost were forgot. And on their skins, as on the bark of trees, have with my knife carved in Roman letters, 'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.' I have done a thousand dreadful things, as willingly as one would kill a fly. And nothing grieves me heartily indeed, but that I cannot do ten thousand more."

Reporters stood in silence with their mouths agape, as Livio had the lights shut off, and left the clubhouse in a cloud of smoke.




Paramus Penises:
Richardson: 5-8, RBI
Santaniello: 3-7, RBI
Livio: 6-8, 4 HR, 9 RBI
Vavosa: 6-7
Jankowski: 4-7

Caulfield's Cocksuckers:
Major: 8-8, HR, 4 2B, 3 RBI
Cesarano: 2-7
D'Ambrosio: 3-7, RBI
Cuomo: 2-7
Sir Michael McCue, Esq: 3-8, RBI

Pitching:
Santaniello: 9 IP, 5 ER, 10K
Cuomo: 8 IP, 11 ER, 6K
Cesarano: 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 K

SHOWDOWN ENDS IN SHOCKER: VAVOSA WALKS OFF THE BIG MAN
Amputations Press - 5/07/2011 10:04 PM ET

An early candidate for game of the year, game 6 was a heart-stopping adventure from the fist pitch. Adam Richardson made his first career start on the mound, and it was a performance for the record books. For 9 innings he threw nothing but 10 mph knuckleballs, catching the Gayniggers off guard as they pounded the ball into the ground with reckless abandon. He was backed by stellar defense all around, as The Santaniello Kid and The Jankyard Dog made some outstanding plays in the field. But it was Don Livio and Richardson himself who proved why they're called the Hollywood Hotdogs. Web gems, show offs, hot dogs: rinse, repeat.

But this game didn't have just one story. This was The Wire of wiffle ball games. In the 4th inning, with 2 on and 2 out, Richardson was buckling down for the final out but couldnt find it when the rain came in. Suddenly, it was pouring rain at West Brook stadium. Everyone looked over at the Grounds Crew Chief Cesarano, waiting for him to call for the tarp. But he never did, and, warriors they are, the teams played on through the torrential downpour.

But as dominating as Richardson was on the mound, Cesarano was even better. He held the Hotdogs scoreless through 8 innings, getting a monstrous 14 Ks. He was fooling everyone with fastballs, screwballs, wind-balls. The Hotdogs thrice put the tying run in scoring position with less than 2 out, but every time, without fail, he would get those final outs, getting out of the jam unscathed.

The heat started to pick up in the top of the 9th inning, when the Gayniggers had 2 on and 2 out, trying to add an insurance run. Richardson and Cuomo battled in an epic at bat, before Richardson finally got the out he was looking for. Going into the bottom 9th, the Hotdogs just needed one. Livio, Richardson, Santaniello, Jankowski, and Vavosa huddled together, holding hands, clearing their minds, and started chanting to the God of Animus, channeling their Power Animals.

Vavosa found his power animal, a Tiger, and roared a single to left to start the inning. Jankowski then searched deep, and within him came out a soaring, gigantic Elephant as he trunked a double to right field. Vavosa ran as fast as he could, on all fours, and beat the throw to the plate, tying the game at 1. Jeff was unraveling on the mound. Richardson's power animal, a Panda, failed to produce as it just played in the grass while laughing, and Livio's, a Walrus, couldn't physically hold the bat with his walrus-hands so he was called out on 3 strikes. Santiello found his inner Zebra and striped a single to left. Jankowski stayed at third as the winning run. Vavosa then came up again, and roared a single to right, of the walk-off variety, as Jankowski trunked home with the winning run. All 5 animals celebrated at home plate, roaring, howling, and barking at each other.

It was a comeback win for the ages, one that'll live on in the hearts of the Hotdogs for years to come. Cesarano deserved a better fate for the effort he put into the game, but at the end of the day, he couldn't close it out. He was terse and stoic in the post-game interview, smoking two cigarettes at the same time, and looking down as reporters questioned his performance, "Gotta get that last out. There's just....there's just nothin' else to it....Gotta get that out."

Major had encouraging words for his team after the game "We had nice dicks on this side today, but just couldn't get 'em hard. We'll get 'em next game." In stark contrast to Major's sentiments, Joe called out the veteran as a fascist dictator in the clubhouse, "He won't let us shower if he's not watching, he wont let us change if he's not naked, he wont even let us talk unless we have a dick in our mouth. He's a fascist. I wanna be traded."

Richardson, Livio, Vavosa, Santaneillo, and Jankowski were still in Animal form at press time and thus, could not comment on the game.


Gayniggers from Outer Space:
Major: 4-9, RBI
Cesarano: 4-9
D'Ambrosio: 5-9
Cuomo: 4-9
Sir Michael McCue, Esq: 3-5

Hollywood Hotdogs:
Richardson: 5-8
Santaniello: 1-7
Livio: 3-7
Vavosa: 3-7, walk-off RBI Single
Jankowski: 2-5, Game-tying RBI 2B in 9th

Pitching:
Cesarano: 9 IP, 2 ER, 14K
Richardson: 9 IP, 1 ER, 1K

WINDY CITY: THE HORSE COMETH AND THE HORSE TAKETH AWAY
Amputations Press - 5/05/2011 10:04 PM ET

Steve Major picked a hell of a time to get hot and back a strong pitching performance from Jeff Cesarano. Steve is notoriously a hot slut, but he really turned up the gay to propel Bowel Trouble to a 5-1 victory. Jeff really reared back and turned up the heat, registering 29 mph on the stadium gun at times. However, Mother Nature was basically on the mound as hurricane force winds blowing in from left field assisted Jeff's garbage to fool the opposing hitters. The strike zone was also expanded, further helping Jeff get his absolute trash over the plate. Jeff tried expanding the strikezone so much, that the umpires consulted and ruled that it had to be cut down a few inches. "I es no see why el Asshol expand zone, it no good, no fair," explained straight off the boat umpire Antonio Santiago.

The gale force winds made it nearly impossible to hit a homer to left, but also brought the opposite field into play rarely enough. There were a few occasions where any other day the ball would of sailed out but was knocked down by the wind, making this a true pitchers game. Adam demonstrated the oppo-power early on by blasting a shot to right center what turned out to be the first triple of the young season.

Bowel Trouble got on the board in the first by stringing together hits and playing small ball, something this power league is not accustomed to. The hitting slowed as both teams pitched sound games and solid defense, not allowing any massive blowups or political discussion to arise. Joe D started the game and kept Unicorn Diarrhea within striking distance holding the Bowels to 3 runs in 4 innings as well as getting the hat trick off Jeff, punching him out in his first 3 at-bats. Vavosa was frustrated at the plate and was heard in the clubhouse cursing in disbelief at what was believed to be loud Asian talk radio blaring during his at-bats. "Who the fuck blasts that shit? Ching chong chow chow chow, ARRGGHH HOW BOUT YOU CHOW CHOW ON MY SHAFT MOTHERFUCKER!!"

Unicorn Diarrhea finally got on the board from a towering fly ball to right-center off the bat of Santaniello, which turned out to be a triple. The wind got a hold of it and brought it to the warning track, marking one of the closest bombs to the right field fence in PWL history. That wasn't enough as Steve finally had the game we've been waiting for, looking impossible to retire at plate while belting a rare homer over the green monster.

Kyle was his usual self, stringing together hits and using his speed to record his second XBH of the season. "Hes such a sex toy, I just want to get sandwiched by him and Prince," Steve explained in the post-game conference. The game also marked the season debut of 3 year veteran Sir Michael McCue, Esq. He turned in a solid line going 4 for 8 while knocking in a run. "He has massive potential," Steve spoke of Esquire, "Loose assholes are extremely underrated."

This game also marked a surprising performance by Richardson on the mound, giving up only 2 runs in 3 innings of work, including the first scoreless frame of his career. "It felt good holding them down and giving my guys a shot, too bad my guys are a bunch of slackers" said the knuckleballer as he toppled over a garbage can in disgust on his way back to the lockerroom. His delivery is reminiscent of past PWL hall of fame knucklers Tim Wakefield and Johnny Niggeling.

Jeff spoke of his performance in the post-game. "I owe this one to Aeolus and that guy's pitching video on Youtube."

Game Notes: Despite his desperate attempt, Jeff came nowhere close to breaking the record of 19Ks set by Santaniello in 2010.... Tim "Hoss" Cesarano stated that his debut would have to be pushed back as he was still rehabbing from his off-season surgery to repair his restless leg syndrome.
Attendence: Hung Lu made a brief appearance but did not hang around for long as he seemed bored with the pitching duel. "I buy season ticket, this dry pussies not worth it. Give me slugfest."


Unicorn Diarrhea:
Joe - 1 for 7: Single
Adam - 3 for 7: 2 Singles, Triple
Angelo - 3 for 7: 2 Singles, Triple; 1 RBI
Vavosa - 3 for 7: 3 Singles

Bowel Trouble:
Kyle - 5 for 8: 4 Singles, Double
Steve - 7 for 9: 5 Singles, Double, HR; 3 RBI
Jeff - 1 for 8: Single; RBI
Sir Michael McCue, Esq - 4 for 8: 4 Singles; RBI

Pitching:
Jeff - 9 IP, 1 ER, 11K
Joe - 4 IP, 3 ER, 3K
Adam - 3 IP, 2 ER, 1K
Angelo - 1 IP, 0 ER, 1K

ACE OF SPADES, DAVID OUTDUELS GOLIATH
Amputations Press - 5/02/2011 11:01 PM ET

The first pitcher's duel of the season. The story this game was all pitching, as Jeff and Angelo battled pitch for pitch until the fourth, when Jeff broke the shutout and hit a home run over the wall. The Jizzmoppers took the 1-0 lead, but the Ponies would answer right back, stringing together key hits in timely situations. Angelo tied the game with a base hit, then Richardson gave the Ponies the lead in what would prove to be the game-winning run.

Santanillo had his command from the first pitch, going to a new count only once during the game. Jeff, meanwhile, was his usual garbage-throwing self, firing nothing but junk and hoping for the best result. It was a tactic that seemd to work tonight, as he gutted out a nice 3 ER performance. But his garbage pitches were just nipping corners in what everyone deduced was just luck. Eventually the Ponies connected on enough to pull through the victory. Santanelllio spoke about Jeff's pitching in the post-game interview "He throws nothing but junkyard fastballs and back-alley curves. His nickname should be Garbage Man Jeff, because that's all he fucking throws."

Ax procuded a nice line, clocking in 6 hits in his return to the lineup following his case of White Castle Flu, which kept him sidelined last game. He also logged his what-now-seems-routine web gem by gunning out a man at second in the waning moments of the 7th frame. "I feel good to be back in the lineup. I feel like a man who just killed a baby. Fresh." Dorfman was overheard in the outfield saying "the economic and sociodemographic standard in this country is a premium reason the tax brackets are undoubtedly shallow" to no one in particular.

A pizza was ordered to the field in the 4th inning, and it seemed to get everyone's juices flowing, as Steve made an amazing jizz-worthy double play right after. During the 6th inning, the pressure started mounting as spectators began to watch the duel unfold. Old Man Blumpkin was spotted honing in on one of Kyle's plate appearances, prompting the Ax man to quiver at the knees and buckle down as strike three was called. In a vicious rage, Kyle tomahawked the bat at Richardson's kneecap, putting the captain on the sideline for 2-3 weeks. The game was then derailed quickly once a political debate divided everyone on the field, splitting the teams up and corrupting the game.

Dorfman spoke of the political debate in the clubhose following the game, "See, white slavery, man, that's what I'm talking about. You know the story about that, don't you? When JFK was president, man, he did this whole, like, tax-payer-funded CIA experiment where they'd clone these....hey..where are you going?"

Ax spoke of the political debate "this is gay, lets talk about sucking each other off." Which Steve took seriously and proceeded to give Kyle a knobber. Word on the street is Steve's picking Kyle first next time. Mattson relished his Bat for Hire status, hitting well for both teams. His status as a freelancer is breaking controversial rules left and right. "I don't care," he said. "I'm a maverick."

Jeff summed the game up by calling it one for the ages. "Just gotta tip your hat to the other guy on games like this. I know I pitched like garbage, but Angelo had his command all game and--" Jeff was interupted when Dorfman came and stole the microphone from him and starting shouting "THEY'RE COMING!!! THEY'RE COMING!! THE US GOVERNMENT HAS SUMMONED THEM!!!"

Game Notes: Tim "Hoss" Cesarano was tentative on making his career debut. "I just, I just... I just can't breathe in those plane chem trails man," he whimpered.... There seems to be something in the soil at Westbrook Stadium, as everyone has developed a learning disability....Most spoken words come gametime so far, "You gotta cut this grass Jeff"
Attendence: Old Man Blumpkin and some other no name faggots. Our dear Asian season ticket holder, Hung Lu, was not able to attend as he was tending to some matters in the Far East.


Fucking My Sister's Pony:
Kyle - 6 for 9: 2 K, 1 great ass grab
Richardson - 2 for 8: 4 K, but 2 RBI!
Santaniello - 5 for 9: 2B, 1 K, 1 RBI
Mattson - 5 for 8:

Jizzmoppers:
Jeff: - 5 for 7: HR, 1 RBI
Steve: - 3 for 7: 4 K, 2 rimjobs
Dorfman: - 0 for 6: ouch
Romeo: - 0 for 4: 2 K

Pitching:
Jeff: 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 K
Santaniello: 7 IP, 1 ER, 14 K

OSAMA MURDERED BY ABSOLUTE SLUGFEST
Amputations Press - 5/01/2011 8:55 PM ET

GAME NOTE: Mattson chose the name Sand Nigger Prophecies, he didn't know where it came from, but as soon as we got home we knew. Osama bin Laden was killed today, and Mattson called it. We're convinced it was our bats that woke up and did the killing, but that's just splitting hairs. Sources say Osama was was found dead by the cause of extreme homosexuality, but if thats the case, the entire wiffleball squad would probably already be dead. God Bless this country.

Game 3 started off with the season debut of Don Livo, making his return to the lineup after missing all last season because of a bicep injury. He took the first pitch he saw for a strike, then lined a clean single to right. The Sand Nigger Prophecies came out swinging, taking an 11-3 lead into the 6th on the strength of team work. But the Big Fat Dumb Jeffries struck back in the 6th for 7 runs, and then opened up the gates of hell in the 7th inning, unleashing the beast for 11 runs.

With the score 21-16, Richarson hit a 3-Run homerun to put the Sand Niggers back within striking distance. In the top of the 9th, Livio represented the tying run at the plate with 2 out. Cesarano and Livio would battle for the next 2 hours and 457 pitches until Livio grounded out on a bang-bang play at first to end the threat, and the game. The Jeffries took one away. It was a comeback of epic proportions, at one point being down 8 runs. Two potential game-changing moments came when Richardson hit two monster home runs that curved around the foul-pole, but couldn't land in the tennis court fair.

The ultimate tipping point was the 7th, where the Niggers sent 3 pitchers to the mound, and none of them could get it done. The Jeffries took advantage and put together hit after hit after hit. The big blow came when the HR-leading Santainlieoo hit a game-tying grand slam in what turned out to be another monstrous performance. In this short season, he's making a run at MVP, looking to dethrone two-time MVP Richardson. "Yeah, that faggot? I'll dethrone him. Watch me," he said in the dugout following the victory, where he entertained reporters for 45 minutes, telling racist jokes and making fun of gays. When asked about his new-found power, he responded by calling the reporter a faggot and then went to exit the clubhouse, but slipped on a banana peel and broke his hip (out 3-4 weeks).

Cesarano commanded his team to their epic finish, despite the fact that he continued to pitch like garbage. With the instatement of the new 7-pitch re-count rule, the game took on a controversial tone as Jeff and Livio battled for about a half hour in the final at bat of the game. When asked for his opinion on the new rule, Major responded "I like it. It saves time. Time I could be fondling little boys."

Cuomo made his season-debut and tuned in a nice 6 for 10, including a nice HR. Livio had a nice line on the day, reflecting on his struggles over the past year in getting back in the game, he said "It's good to finally be back here, under the lights, playing the game I love. It's been a rough year, rehab, car crashes, overdoses, but I'm working my way back, and I hope to gain the respect of my teammates." Worth noting was his balls-out plays in the field where he put his body on the line, marking in stark contrast to his hotdogging days of the past.

Game 2 also marked the career debut of another wiffleballer, Mike Bentz, who recorded his first career hit in the 2nd inning, lining a single up the middle. He kept the ball from the game as a souvenir, and went a comfy 7-12 on the day. We expect to see more of this kid in the tournament, so keep your eyes peeled.

Overall the Sand Niggers had the game, but let it get away. Mattson didn't seem to care about his team's loss, as he surrendered defeat numerous times throughout the game. Richardson remarked in the post-game "we need to get those outs. It's no secret our team is missing the veteran presence that Herrick brought."

We still have no fucking clue where Bill Herrick is, but the police have pieced together numerous theories on Bill's whereabouts. Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet. Scenario Two: Bill went to Disney World.


Sand Nigger Prophecies:
Livio - 9 for 14: 4 RBIs
Richardson - 8 for 12: 3 HR, 8 RBI
Bentz - 7 for 12
Mattson - 5 for 13: 1 HR, 7 RBI

Big Fat Dumb Jeffries:
Jeff - 5 for 12: 2 HR, 9 RBI
Angelo - 7 for 12: 3 HR, 7 RBI
Major - 7 for 12: RBI
Cuomo - 6 for 10: HR, 2 RBI
Joe - 9 for 14, 2 RBI

Pitching:
Jeff: 9 IP, 19 ER, 2 K
Livio: 6 IP, 11 ER
Mattson: 1 IP, 6 ER, 1 backwards K on Jeff
Richardson: 1 IP, 5 ER
Bentz: 1 IP, 0 ER

CRAVE THIS CASE: SANTANIELLO DROPS BOMBS
Amputations Press - 4/27/2011 10:24 PM ET

The first game began by sacrificing a White Castle Crave Case to the wiffleball gods. Managers of both teams argued that the burgers could be considered performance-enhancing drugs. The issue dissolved as players on both teams got castled and leveled the playing field. General consensus was that everyone would pay dearly afterwards.

The Crave Cases got off to an early start against the veteran righty Jeff Cesarano. Plagued by command issues in 2010, the workhorse put in a hard offseason regimen to iron out his delivery. It did not pay immediate dividends as Joe D sent a 1st inning 2 Run bomb over the left field fence giving the Cases an early lead.

Jeff responded strongly by blasting his own 2 Run shot in the bottom of the 2nd, followed by yet another 2 Run round tripper in the 3rd. "Put it on the boaaarddd, YES!!!" he proclaimed. Taste of Gay turned it into a rally as Mattson produced a clutch Sam Fuld-like single to drive in two.

Taste of Gay's flaming magical ride would end there as the Cases started a rally with a hit by promising rookie Matt Vavosa followed by a run producing single by Steve. It was hit up the middle in the spot where Mattson was normally positioned, but he was DHing at the time.

Santaniello then started getting hot. He broke out and ended up having an absolute monster day, going deep 4 times to put a crippling hold on the Gays. "How many outs, 2 outs?" he asked as the 9th inning had just begun.

Two-time gold glove winner, Kyle Ax, showed his prowess on the diamond executing play after play all while drawing different shaped dicks in the dirt. More impressively he displayed his sheer power, depositing a no doubter into the tennis court.

Seasoned veteran slugger Richardson put up a respectable line and also had some choice words in the post-game new conference. "Probability that one or more team members may be infected by intruder organism... 70%," he said. "Management really can't bleach the god damn showers?"

Game Notes: There was a doubleheader scheduled but only 3 innings were played due to darkness. Game 2 was highlighted by a grand slam from the always dangerous bat of Joey Votto... I mean Steve. Richardson also familiarized himself with his usual groove, blasting 2 four baggers including one deep to center. There was also some web gem fielding from Vavosa, including a rare textbook unassisted double play. Mattson too, had a fantastic throw in a bang/bang play at first as he nailed a sprinting Matt just prior to touching the bag.

WP: Santaniello, A
Pitches-strikes: Cesarano 521-45, D'ambrosio 63-35, Santaniello 161-86.
Umpires: HP: Hank Weller, Field: Antonio Santiago
Weather: 72 degrees, partly cloudy.
Wind: 14 mph gusts, R to L.
Time: 2:30
Attendence: 2 Asian people that really put the pressure on.



Crave Cases:
Angelo - 7 for 14: 3 Singles, 3 Run Home Run, 2 Run Home Run, 2 Solo Home Runs; 7 RBIs
Steve - 6 for 13: 6 Singles; 1 RBI
Joe - 9 for 13: 7 Singles, 1 Double, 2 Run Home Run; 4 RBIs
Matt - 3 for 13: 3 Singles

Taste Of Gay:
Kyle - 5 for 11: 3 Singles, 1 Double, Solo Home Run; 1 RBI
Adam - 5 for 10: 5 Singles; 1 RBI
Jeff - 4 for 10: 2 Singles, Two 2 Run Home Runs; 4 RBI
Mattson - 6 for 10: 6 Singles; 2 RBI

Pitching:
Jeff: 9 IP, 12 ER, 15 K
Joe D: 3 IP, 6 ER, 4 K
Angelo: 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 K

GAME 2: 3 Innings
Final: Deep Throats 8 - 3 Blessed Kings

Deep Throats
Matt - 3 for 5: 3 Singles
Adam - 3 for 5: 1 Single, 2 Run Home Run, Solo Home Run; 3 RBI
Jeff - 3 for 5: 2 Singles, Solo Home Run; 1 RBI
Steve - 4 for 5: 3 Singles, Grand Slam; 4 RBI

Blessed Kings
Kyle - 2 for 3: 2 Singles
Angelo - 2 for 3: 2 Singles; 1 RBI
Joe - 1 for 3: 1 Single
Mattson - 2 for 3: 2 Singles; 2 RBI