The first Spring Training under Commissioner Major is underway, and it's shaping up to be a wild ride. While Santaniello stepped down from the Commissioner's role last offseason amid an animal abuse scandal (it was rumored that he was personally funding Mr. Hand's horse stable), Major has taken the role up with aplomb. The first thing he did was implement league-wide initiatives that he said would finally bring the game of wiffleball into the 21st century.

The first Major Initiative was the installation of "Mandatory Release Valves" in all locker rooms across the league. The MRV's act as de facto "dick sucking machines" that players can slide their meat into for a quick and efficient release. "A lot of times after a tough loss, I wanna just go home and drink myself to sleep or take a huge hit of some pure fentanyl. When I know getting my dong smacked around would've relieved the pressure, but I didn't have to energy or the drive to just call up one of the Santaniello sisters. This way, with the MRV's, I just stick the ol' donger in there and boom, I don't feel as empty. I go home and only shoot up a little bit of fentanyl."

His second order of business was overturning the long-criticized rule that players and coaches cannot share beds together. Now, any player can go to bed and fuck around with anyone they please, "so long as it's consensual," he stressed. "I used to have to go into the bathroom stall with coach and perform all kinds of crazy acrobatics to keep my feet up so if anyone looked underneath it'd just look like one guy taking a shit. Although the positions gave me an extra inch on my deepthroat, it always fucked up my back for a few days and hurt my swing."

A slightly more controversial Major Initiative was that all team mascots must have "Mandatory Penetrable Holes" in their suits. While some players think the penetration of team mascots is off limits, others say it goes a long way to building confidence against an opposing team. For his part, former Commissioner Santaniello never came down on one side of the issue, directing teams to install holes at their choosing. With the MPH's, all mascots are fair game to all members of any home or away team.

Cesarano is back from his Thailand sex vacation, and he feels his arm is loose enough to pitch again this summer. While he said the tail this year was "subpar," he did note that having to jack it manually more than usual led to an extra slice on his curveball.

Some inspiring news was the promotion of Legentil to Player Relations Manager. His first order of business was to reduce the size of the previously-installed MRV; many players felt that their dicks were too small to successfully get off with the devices. With Legentil's reduction in the size, jizz reservoirs filled up 40% faster than they did with the previous, larger hole sizes, indicating that more players were getting off, "which is what we want," he said.

Legentil also teamed up with Major in the historic creation of a "Mandatory Sexual Finish" program, which requires that any player on the same team must not get in the way of another player shooting his load. "Before the MSF, I'd constantly get kicked off whoever I was fuckin' by whoever wanted that ass next. Now, they gotta wait."

Players all around the league spoke highly of the Major Initiatives, with the MSF, MPH, and MRV all scoring high marks. Across the league only one of Major's actions as Commissioner was a seen as a failure: appointing Joe D. into the important role of Suck & Fuck Manager, or, "the S&F man." Players new and old spoke about the importance of the S&F man, saying that "without the S&F man, nobody would have gotten off 30 years ago. You're talking about the guy that makes sure all sucks and all fucks are done to the standards of the league. It's a big fucking deal!" One anonymous player said that Joe D. would be "more useful as the Chief Prosciutto Manager." Hall of Fame Suck & Fuck man Squeaky Jack Hanky, who revolutionized the position in the early 80's, said that he prefers to see how Joe D. does before voicing an opinion on the matter. He added, "the S&F man is at the discretion of the Commissioner. We must give him a chance to lead the way he sees fit." Major was steadfast in his appointment, saying that Joe D. will "surprise everyone with his acumen for sucking and fucking, trust me."

In sad news, the rumors that the body that was found behind the Shake Shack was none other than former all-star Kyle Ax were confirmed this week, as DNA testing of his sperm (which the pathologist extracted with his mouth) proved that it was him. Cesarano was not yet willing to let Ax go, and has been working around the clock this offseason on potentially reanimating his corpse. It remains to be seen how much of his speed and power a decaying Zombie Ax would hold onto, but we can't wait to see his gruesome visage take the field this summer.

The offseason has proven to be a precarious beast for PWL, as every new season brings a slew of changes, controversies, and scandals. We won't go into the more salacious gossip, but suffice it to say, the shitbirds haven't changed. All in all, it looks like the boys are back and ready to take on the summer like a twink at a truckstop glory hole. So get ready for another thrilling season of Paramus Wiffleball.

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IT'S ALL FALLING APART

by Johnny Sins, September 11th, 2018 - 11:58 PM ET

In May, a 4chan user by the name of "Q" posted a disturbing discovery: he had uncovered hidden plans for West Brook Stadium to be demolished over the summer. Fans were livid, and many took to the streets wearing shirts saying "We Are Q," and unloading at the government for trying to destroy the wiffleball league. Things came to a head when players barricaded themselves in the sprinkler tunnel and refused to come out. Eventually, a deal was reached that would fund a brand new wifleball stadium on the east side. While not everyone was pleased with the development, most felt that at the very least, the league would continue. Players reported to spring training and went through their annual detoxes and rehab programs to get ready for opening day.

And then everything changed. The day before the razing of the stadium, Hung Lu was seen walking the grounds and performing some sort of voodoo ritual. When the old stadium was torn down the next day, it released a cloud of smoke that appeared to represent the spirit of Jameson "Figgy Boy" Jones, a legendary wiffer from the days of yore (he got his name because he'd often eat figs while playing.) He said that what the PWL has been doing to the game is a disgrace, and that everyone involved will burn in hell for eternity. He then placed a curse on the entire league, and all of its players, before strolling into West Brook Middle School to "look for some young ghost pussy."

Since that day, The Curse of Figgy Boy Jones has wreaked havoc all across the league. Simply put, all hell has broken loose, with multiple players dying in gruesome, freak accidents, and even more in strange sexual mishaps. The first to go was Tim Cesarano. Before the curse, fans remembered him as an "absolutely dogshit player," and in the words of Major "an even worse lay." But he will most likely be remembered for how he died, rather than how he lived. It's one of life's cruel ironies that those with the most to give are taken from us too early. Although that's not what happened here; no one particularly cared for him, and nearly everyone lamented his play on the days he wasn't too much of a pussy to show up for games. But nobody would say he deserved to go like this. One night in June, he was at a bar when two lovely ladies saddled up to him. He promptly bought the two women drinks, and the three of them flirted through the night. However, when he went home with the women later that night, he realized he had made a grave mistake. As soon as he entered the house they deadbolted the door and tied him up. Four more beautiful women entered the room, and they told him the last words any man would want to hear: "we're gonna have some sex." The women then forcefully pumped him full of Viagra, and each took turns having sex with him. The ordeal lasted seventeen hours, and Tim had blown what investigators estimated to be "about 23 or 24 loads." The women still weren't satisfied, and continued to fuck him, working for that mythical 25th load that would bring them to nirvana. But it would never come. Tim died on his last thrust, just as the 25h load was in the barrel. When an investigator was asked if his heart gave out, he responded: "Heart? No this wasn't his heart. His heart was fine. It was the loads. He couldn't do anymore. He simply blasted his last load, God help him." In the end, he had simply cummed too much. One investigator simply lowered and shook his head when asked about it. Another said "this is the most horrifying way for a man to go. I don't care who you are, cumming to death is just not natural. It makes me sick just thinking about it." Many tales have been spun about "The 25th Load," but no man in recorded history has ever done it, and if Tim's story proves anything, it's that no man ever should.

Although Tim's fate was perhaps the most dispiriting, no one's was more tragic than that of Kyle Ax's, who was on the road to reanimation just as the curse was cast. Jeff Cesarano had succeeded in bringing Ax back to life, and although he was operating without a brain, most people who knew him said that they didn't notice. While his play in spring training left a lot to be desired (as any zombie's would), he was making good progress when one day, while running out a ground ball, his leg flew off and landed in Greg Dorfman's front yard. When a few players went to retrieve it, they found to their horror that Dorfman was smoking it like a huge blunt and getting high as hell off it. Faced with the reality that his experiment was ruined, Cesarano casually dumped the rest of Ax's body in the swamp behind West Brook and promptly went to the OL to get a drink.

But he would never make it there. While driving down Midland ave, he remembered that he sucked at pitching and also at life and was overcome with paralyzing existential dread. As a Costco meat truck reared down the road, Cesarano simply stared straight ahead, welcoming the sweet oncoming oblivion. When the two hunks of metal collided at nearly 80 mph, his body was thrown straight through the windshield, and right into the Costco meat freezer. His body then sat there for 24 hours until being mistakenly packaged and unloaded into the meat section at Costco. The rumor was that his succulent flesh flew off the shelves because of its unique tangy flavor and smoky aftertaste.

Matt Vavosa was doing another tour in Iraq when he sent wire to the Associated Press that he would be returning to the PWL this summer. As soon as he hit "send" on the press release, he was merked by an Iraqi sniper somewhere near Kirkuk. The bullet reportedly pierced his chest and then "bounced around" inside his body before making its way south and exiting through his nutsack. His platoon fled at the sight of his mangled sack, and he was taken hostage by ISIS. While in captivity, he reportedly converted "16 or 17" ISIS combatants to the cause of "radical wiffleball extremism." He was then given extensive medical treatment and doctors were able to put his sack back together. He recuperated in the stronghold for a few weeks, and all seemed to be going well, but during an exhibition game with a few ISIS leaders, he stepped on a landmine and blew off the rest of his sack. He was rushed to an Iraqi hospital, and rebel doctors worked around the clock to put his sack back together again, but it was too late. He died on the operating table just one day away from reporting to spring training.

Austin Marchese and Joe D. were both working tirelessly in the offseason getting their swings ready. When Major scheduled a surprise team trip through the Napa Valley wine country, it was a welcome break from the grueling training schedule. One night, after a lovely day of tasting wines and cheeses, Austin thought it'd be a good idea to take a dip in the hotel pool. As he was swimming, he got sucked into the filter and squeezed out like ground beef. His mangled body was found the next morning by hotel staff, and initially it was thought to be an accident, but investigators found what appeared to be a Italian meatball recipe next to the filter, indicating that it might not have been an accident after all, and that some nefarious individual had been planning on making Austin-flavored meatballs. Later that night, Joe D. was found dead in his room, having OD'd on prosciutto. At that point, Major knew he had to cut the trip short, and flew back east to oversee the funeral arrangements.

Bill Herrick had heard about the curse before even stepping foot in a clubhouse, having received news from his carrier pigeon in Oregon. He thought he would probably be safe training 3,000 miles away, but then he heard that Phish was touring the east coast, and he couldn't miss it. He packed his bags and planned to hit up the concerts and report to spring training immediately after. Unfortunately, he would never make it. During a show at the PNC Arts Center, he ingested some LSD-infused grilled cheese sandwiches, and imagined that he was Trey Anastasio himself. He climbed up on the stage and tried to join in during a particularly awful, rambling song, and the members of Phish all attacked him, curbstomping him at the foot of the stage to raucous cheers from the crowd. Before it was over, they had beaten him to near-death and thrown his body into the crowd, where he was stomped on for the remainder of the show by blissed-out concert-goers. He died somewhere near the end of the show, splayed on the floor as flat as a pancake. One of the paramedics on the scene said that he "looked like a Looney Toons ass bitch, all flattened and shit." Initial reports claimed that they had to use spatulas to pry his body off the floor, but these were unconfirmed at press time.

Andy "Big Rig" Mattson was well on his way to a lucrative post-playing career, having secured a near-nightly guest spot on the Young Turks and then later a Saturday morning slot on CNN. Fans often tuned in to see the former player sound off on politics and pop culture, and he'd even have some former teammates on once in a while. During a memorable segment in 2017, he argued back and forth with Anderson Cooper and Jake Tapper about whether or not "The 25th Load" is humanly possible, until producers had to cut off their microphones. Enjoying high ratings and hobnobbing with the political elite, all was going well until he dipped his toe back into wiffleball. When discussing the PWL stock options one evening with featured financial expert Don Livio, he said he was considering coming out of retirement. He reported to spring training, and was even getting back into playing shape, and then the curse struck. A week later he was attending a party honoring Henry Kissinger's humanitarian achievements, and entertaining the crowd with party tricks. One gag required that he hide his body in the couch, exposing just his face to spook an unsuspecting party-goer. When Rachel Maddow, the intended target, went back to the kitchen for more pretzel slims instead of sitting down, he gave up. As he was about to leave, Kissinger sat down on the couch, right on top of his face. Mattson struggled for air but Kissinger didn't notice, and as the night wore on, he slowly suffocated to death under the weight of Kissinger's giant ass.

Anthony Romeo was one shot away from catching his big break in Hollywood, having produced the acclaimed 2018 John Gotti biopic "Gotti." However, during the promotional tour of the film it was revealed that he had embezzled millions of dollars from the film's investors, and went on the run to Santaniello's Panamanian hideaway. While there, he tried to hook up an HDMI cable to the 70 inch television, when the TV fell on his head and cracked his skull open. Parts of his brain spilled out of his head and onto the tiled floor of the living room. He simply scooped up the brain bits and stuffed them back in, then stapled his head up. He walked around the Central American country for a week with his brains spilling out, making deals for a future Genovese crime family biopic, until one morning he awoke to discover that "about 90%" of his brain had fallen out of his head during the night. At that point he was not operating at full capacity, and in his disorientation, he simply walked off the balcony of the house and fell two stories into the road below. Although he didn't die from the fall, a passing scooter boy zipped by a moment later and ran over his nuts, severing the crucial "Balls-to-Brain Connection" that scientists had recently discovered. Proving the scientists' theory correct, Romeo died as soon as the connection was cut.

Livio, having spent the last 5 years on wall street making high-risk transactions, finally returned to his old team. However, he forgot to sell his large share of corn futures and ended up running afoul of the FTC. When an investigator was sent to look into his previous transactions, he found a disturbing trend of fraud and insider trading, relating almost exclusively to Santaniello's many shell companies located in the Cayman Islands. In May, it was revealed that the former commissioner had been propping up the league for years on the back of Livio's fraudulent schemes. The house of cards was crumbling all around him, and on June 6th, Livio had had enough. Sometime around 7 pm he entered his garage and, holding a book of Warren Buffett quotes in one hand, doused himself in gasoline with the other. He read one last inspirational quote about success, before lighting himself on fire. At the crucial moment he realized that he forgot to DVR that evening's episode of Mad Money, but it was too late.

Soon after that, Santaniello was apprehended trying to board a flight to the Caymans with $40,000 in travelers's checks. When FBI agents were leading him out of the airport, he grabbed one of their guns and threatened to kill himself if they didn't let him on the plane. While no one cared if he killed himself, the TSA agents did not want to clean up his mess, so it was decided to let him on the plane. While in the air, Santaniello hijacked the plane and rerouted it to Washington, DC. He spoke to the air traffic controllers throughout the entire flight, about such mundane topics as what he had planned to eat that night, or whether or not Julia Louis-Dreyfus would win her 7th straight Emmy. Eventually, he rerouted the plane, and pointed it straight at the Obama family's private residence. He told the air traffic controllers that he was doing it as "revenge for killing bin Laden." Unfortunately, his flying skills were not as good as the 19 Saudis, and he crashed the plane somewhere in the Potomac. Rumors persist that he pulled a DB Cooper and bailed out of the aircraft before the moment of impact, but so far nothing has been found. When asked about the rumor of him possibly still being alive, his family responded that they "hoped it wasn't true."

Before the curse unfolded, there was no confirmed sighting of Richardson in the previous five years. While it was reported that he was seen dancing and celebrating in Mexico during the 2015 Feisty Boy Fiesta, those reports turned out to be unconfirmed. It was also reported that he was said to have been a performer in Serbia's entry in their "Best Foreign Porn" selection at the 2016 AVN Awards. Again these reports turned out to be untrue. Ax claimed that he had run into him at Fairway in December 2017, but no one could corroborate his claim. Ever since he found his wife cheating on him with his mistress, leading to his disastrous 2013 season, he had virtually disappeared from public life. He cut off all friends and teammates, and was last heard to be living in a decrepit castle off the coast of Santa Barbara. While no one was able to get a glimpse of him, reporters independently verified that he was indeed living there and that the neighborhood kids called him "El Monstruo," aka The Monster. It wasn't until after the curse was cast that he was seen in public again, showing up in Hawaii for a promotional tour of a documentary he was making with Emily Ratajkowski about the mating habits of sea turtles. One day, while riding around town on his motorcycle, he hit a "mega pothole" and went into a huge sideslide. Locals watched in horror as he headed straight for a volcano, but knowing that he was a huge piece of shit, no one bothered to intervene. The last image captured of him shows him "surfing" on the sliding motorcycle as it hurls toward the mouth of the volcano with a smile on his face, welcoming the sweet release of death, and then being consumed by flames and lava. His funeral was a sparsely attended and low-key affair, except for the "beautiful" and "moving" eulogy by Michael Douglas.

Major was found to have been impaled by own dick, although the autopsy could not confirm whether foul play was involved or if it was just part of his usual sexual practices. Nevertheless, those at the crime scene were reportedly "horrified" at what they found. "No man should die like that, at the hands of his own dick," said Officer Pig, who was among the first on the scene. Adding to the salaciousness was what appeared to be a handwritten note found in the apartment, which read "Tonight I will fuck myself. I've been talking about it for a long time, and I feel that the time has come for me to do it. If anything happens, if I don't make it out, just know that Lord, I tried. I really tried to fuck myself." Investigators were split on whether the note was Major's handwriting or possibly a forgery, although those close to him said that dying while trying to fuck himself was "how he would have wanted to go."

Legentil was enjoying the east coast leg of a tour with his band Lake Effect when the curse got him. He was playing a show in upstate New York and jamming on stage when he slipped on an errant banana peel that a fan had thrown at the stage. He fell backwards and broke his neck on a Marshal guitar amp. Although he didn't die then, a concert-goer was in the midst of doing a dive off the top of the stage at that moment, and ended up inadvertently giving him a Hogan Leg Drop and decapitating him. The rest of the fans thought it was all part of the act for the band to kill their bassist mid-show because he sucked anyway, so they played rugby with his severed head for the remainder of the night. News broke on Pitchfork the next day that it was all an accident. Some fans were upset, but the prevailing feeling was the band needed a new bassist anyway. PWL fans didn't mince words, saying that although it was a "helluva way to go," they were pleased they'd no longer have to sit through his interminable at bats.

Although these men led depraved, worthless lives, and indeed you could say that many of them deserved to die, it is simply beyond the realm of possibility for it to all be a coincidence. For so many to die so close together, in a string of strange and gruesome deaths, it is either the largest karmic victory in the history of the world, or the result of a voodoo curse placed on them by the ghost of an ex wiffleball player. There is no in between. So whether you mourn them, or celebrate their demise, remember that the men of the Paramus Wiffleball League deserved almost everything they got. Sure, maybe Tim didn't deserve to die while chasing The 25th Load, but you can't say that he didn't deserve to die. Maybe Jeff didn't deserve to be mangled and devoured by a horde of Costco shoppers, but you can't say he didn't deserve to at least be compromised to a permanent end. And maybe too, that Legentil deserved better than being "Hogan Leg Dropped to Death," but not by much. We can sit here and exhume the lives of all of these pitiful, disgusting men, looking for some kind of salvation, but deep down we know we'll never get it. These were depraved men, leading depraved lives, and the only thing I regret, is that they weren't taken to their graves sooner. The only possible solace we can take in any of this sordid mess, is that these men are now in hell, and that they belong there.









RIP-PWL

2014 STATS
Bold denotes league leader
* = Web Gem
Player	GP	PA	AVG	H	1B	2B	3B	HR	RBI	K	BB	OBP	SLG	TB	PoTG	*
Joe	3	36	.444	16	15	1	0	0	3	3	2	.474	.472	19	1	0
Steve	3	28	.429	12	11	0	0	1	3	6	1	.448	.536	16	0	0
Jeff	3	26	.385	10	10	0	0	0	2	2	0	.385	.385	10	1	1
Kyle	3	24	.292	7	3	2	0	2	6	7	3	.370	.625	18	1	2
Angelo	3	23	.435	10	8	2	0	0	2	6	3	.500	.522	15	0	1
Matt	2	16	.375	6	6	0	0	0	3	5	1	.412	.375	7	0	0
Don	2	13	.308	4	4	0	0	0	2	4	1	.357	.308	5	0	0
Anthony	2	13	.538	7	6	0	0	1	2	5	0	.538	.769	10	0	0
Jay	1	11	.273	3	3	0	0	0	1	3	1	.333	.273	4	0	0
Dean	1	7	.286	2	2	0	0	0	0	2	1	.375	.286	3	0	0
Elton	1	6	.167	1	1	0	0	0	0	4	0	.167	.167	1	0	0
		Player	GP	GS	W	L	IP	H	BB	ER	ERA	WHIP	K
		Jeff	3	3	2	1	25	44	6	14	5.04	2.00	30
		Angelo	2	1	0	1	12	18	2	4	3.00	1.67	4
		Kyle	2	2	1	1	13	16	5	6	4.15	1.62	14