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2012 SEASON STATS

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2012 REGULAR SEASON STATS

Bold denotes league leader
* = Web Gems

Player Name	GP	PA	AVG	H	1B	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SLG	K	BB	PoTG	*
Angelo Santaniello	20	235	.579	136	117	6	0	13	45	.770	33	0	2	5
Adam Richardson	18	230	.548	126	79	14	0	33	85	1.039	43	0	5	3
Steve Major	19	226	.637	144	113	6	1	24	75	.991	16	0	3	7
Jeff Cesarano	17	199	.407	81	65	0	0	16	41	.648	46	0	3	1
Austin Marchese	14	155	.535	83	71	0	0	12	40	.768	27	0	1	1
Anthony Romeo	13	150	.493	74	62	2	0	10	36	.707	27	5	2	0
Joe D'ambrosio	13	152	.520	79	66	3	1	9	35	.730	18	0	2	2
Matt Vavosa	7	83	.482	40	37	1	0	2	12	.566	15	0	1	2
Kyle Ax	7	60	.333	20	17	0	0	3	8	.483	29	1	2	0
Don Livio	7	78	.590	46	34	1	0	11	26	1.026	12	0	2	1
Anthony D'ambrosio	6	64	.438	28	22	1	0	5	11	.688	16	0	0	2
Player Name	GP	PA	AVG	H	1B	2B	3B	HR	RBI	SLG	K	BB	PoTG	*
James Cuomo	4	52	.404	21	21	0	0	0	4	.404	5	1	0	0
Ed Boffalo	3	43	.372	16	13	1	0	2	5	.535	17	0	0	0
Brian Legentil Jr.	2	17	.471	8	8	0	0	0	2	.471	4	5	0	0
Noe Villafueite	1	16	.500	8	7	0	0	1	3	.688	6	0	1	1
Mike Bentz	2	15	.000	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000	10	0	0	0
Evan Cuomo	1	10	.500	5	5	0	0	0	0	.500	3	0	0	0
Juicy Joe Palmaccio	2	14	.571	8	6	0	0	2	6	1.000	4	0	0	0
Brian Thompson	1	8	.250	2	1	0	0	1	1	.625	4	0	0	0
Casey Hayo	1	8	.125	1	1	0	0	0	0	.125	5	0	0	0
Jonny Boy Seitz	1	8	.125	1	1	0	0	0	0	.125	6	0	0	0
Tim "Hoss" Cesarano	2	8	.250	2	2	0	0	0	0	.250	2	0	0	0
Joe Buccino	1	7	.000	0	0	0	0	0	0	.000	4	1	1	0
Mike Feeny	1	4	.250	1	1	0	0	0	0	.250	2	0	0	0
Player Name	GP	GS	W	L	ERA	ER	IP	K	SV	BS
Jeff Cesarano	16	16	4	7	11.39	143	113	162	0	0
Adam Richardson	13	4	4	3	12.49	68	49	30	2	1
Austin Marchese	9	7	2	2	10.80	54	45	35	1	0
Angelo Santaniello	16	2	4	2	10.67	51	43	34	2	1
Kyle Ax	5	3	3	0	5.34	19	32	35	0	0
Anthony Romeo	5	3	1	4	17.07	55	29	14	0	0
Joe D'ambrosio	2	2	1	1	9.53	18	17	15	0	0
Joe Buccino	1	1	0	0	0.00	0	10	19	0	0
Don Livio	2	1	0	0	24.00	16	6	5	0	0
James Cuomo	1	1	0	0	15.00	5	3	1	0	0
Anthony D'ambrosio	1	0	0	0	0.00	0	1	1	0	0
Steve Major	1	0	0	0	0.00	0	1	0	0	0
Juicy Joe Palmaccio	1	0	1	0	9.00	1	1	2	0	0
Brian Thompson	1	0	0	0	27.20	1	0.1	1	0	0
Jonny Boy Seitz	1	0	0	1	INF	1	0	0	0	1

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2012 Season Recaps

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Game 20: 7/4/12

WP: Austin Marchese (2-2)
LP: Anthony Romeo (1-4)
SV: Angelo Santaniello (2)
Player of the Game: Adam Richardson

RICHARDSON SUPPORTS THE TROOPS WITH 4TH OF JULY FUCKFEST
by "American" Hossad Aqmoudnizi'jhad - July 4th, 2012 - 10:53 AM ET

Boys, this one was a scorcher. On our dear homeland's birthday, the boys took the field in the 100 degree sun to honor our troops and celebrate our freedom. Before the game the players stood side by side for the national anthem, respecting each other on this glorious summer day. PWL 4th of July festivities date back to 1943 when legendary hurler Davy Boy Jones was tragically killed in action during his leave of military duty. Since then, the league has supported numerous organizations aimed at restoring America's beauty and providing support for troops coming home from war. Teams typically don American flag uniforms and celebrate the day by playing a tense game of Wiffleball.

"The American Idol" Austin Marchese started for the Red White & Blue Cocks and cruised for a while, supported by a 3-Run blast by Richardson. But he ran into trouble in the 4th and 5th innings, as he was tiring on the mound and sweating like a bandit. He gave up a homer to Steamin' Steve and Juicy Joe Palmaccio and was relieved by Wild Thing Richardson, who promptly gave up a 2-run blast to Livio to tie the game. The American Cunt Flaps started putting together solid innings backed by their starter, Ramblin' Romeo.

But the Red White & Blue Cocks rebounded, as Skunkhead Santaniello and Matt "The Seneca Warrior" set the table for Downtown Richardson to hammer them home with another 3-Run blast. D'Ambrosio may have had a play on a ball hit by the Seneca Warrior, but he was spotted taking a nap in the outfield during the game. Major has visciously bashed him in the backpages for his lack of hustle and passion, but behind closed doors, anonymous sources indicate that a steamy affair is still ongoing between them.

Skunkhead came in for the save and gave up a 3-run HR to Major, but retired Romeo to end the game.* The Red White & Blue Cocks held on for the win, and celebrated by lighting off fireworks and sucking eachothers dicks on the field. Another 4th of July game in the books, another proud day for America. The American Idol also contributed 2 solo HR, ending a power drought for the Honeysoaked Hammer. Santaniello spoke with reporters after the game, and had some harsh words about his gameplay, "On this of all days, I wanted to homer. But I'm mired in the worst slump of my life. I will take a few games off to retool my mechanics. Hopefully I can come back strong. Now get the fuck outta my face."

Major had shared his secret hitting tip to Richardson mid-game, and Richardson had proceeded to go 4-5 with 3 HR and a 2B afterwards. The tip is, at the plate, you imagine you are Goku, and a ball of energy is heading towards the city you've sworn to protect. You say to yourself, "I am Goku," and POWER the energy blast (ball) away from the city. It seems to be working for Major, as he's been riding an insane hot streak is hitting .700 isn't out of the realm of possibilities. If accomplished, it would be an unprecedented feat, for sure sending him into the annals of wiffleball history.

Richardson has some words for reporters after the game about his 4 HR effort, "I just wanted to go out there and show the troops that we support them. I hit for them, they are our protectors and we should honor them thusly. I'm just glad to have dug myself out of my slump, and not repeat last year's July 4th performance. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go doublefist some redbull vodka monsters and bang Emma Roberts in a MusleMilk bath." Marchese shed some light on his off the field problems this summer, "I haven't told anybody, but I have been in the grips of a grueling and bitter divorce to my 3rd wife Karen. The custody battle has been especially acrimonious, and I had hoped it would not effect my performance on the field. But sometimes I just feel like breaking down and putting a shotgun in my mouth." Livio pitched in a HR and was supportive of his team and the troops, "I love those guys. But if you'll excuse me, my timeshare in West Hollywood is empty and I gotta get down there to approve some acquisitions. Hit me on the cell or fax me if it's anything important."

* The scorekeeper had misled the teams into thinking the game was tied, but had neglected to count an RBI into the boxscore. The scorekeeper has been fired and his whereabouts are currently unknown, but an anonymous source had stated that his body was floating in the Hudson, and that you could still see it if you go quick.


Red, White & Blue Cocks
Adam: 6/10 - 4 HR (Three 3-Run, 2-Run), Double; 11 RBI
Austin: 6/10 - Two Solo HR; 3 RBI
Matt: 3/10
Angelo: 4/9 - Double
Joe D (DH): 2/3

American Cunt Flaps
Steve: 7/9 - 2 HR (3-Run, Solo); 4 RBI
Don: 5/9 - 2-Run HR; 2 RBI
Joe P: 4/6 - Two 2-Run HR, Double; 6 RBI
Anthony: 1/7 - BB
Joe D: 3/8; 1 RBI

Pitching
Don 2 IP, 3 ER, 2 K
Anthony: 5 IP, 11 ER, 3 K
Austin: W (2-2) - 5 IP, 8 ER, 2 K
Adam: 1 IP, 2 ER, 0 K
Angelo: SV (2) - 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 K

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Game 19: 7/1/12

WP: Anthony Romeo (1-3)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (4-7)
Player of the Game: Anthony Romeo/Don Livio

DONNYWOOD CRUISES SUNSET BOULEVARD AS TONY ROMES TWIRLS A SAPPHIRE
by Mike "The Sludge" Terry - June 19, 1352 - 10:53 AM ET

Dusty Trombones
Adam: 7/9 - 2-Run HR, Double; 2 RBI
Jeff: 2/9; 2 RBI
Ant D: 4/9 - Double; 1 RBI
Matt: 5/9
Angelo: 3/8; 1 RBI

Dingleberry Delights
Joe: 5/11 - Double; 1 RBI
Steve: 7/11 - 2-Run HR; 2 RBI
Anthony: 5/11
Don: 6/11 - 2 HR (2-Run, 3-Run); 6 RBI
Austin: 6/11 - 3-Run HR; 4 RBI

Pitching
Anthony: W (1-3) - 9 IP, 6 ER, 2 K
Jeff: L (4-7) - 2 IP, 8 ER, 3 K
Adam: 2 IP, 5 ER, 2 K
Angelo: 3 IP, 0 ER, 2 K
Ant D: 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K

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Game 18: 6/26/12

WP: Jeff Cesarano (4-6)
LP: Adam Richardson (4-3)
Player of the Game: Jeff Cesarano

FIRST 2012 TRIPLE IGNITES MAJOR CYCLE IN LOSING EFFORT
by Time Travelin' Pete Snooby - June 19, 1352 - 10:53 AM ET

Hey Y'all, Pete Snooby here. Dan Snossage is on vacation sometime in the 63rd century in the Jentrix galaxy like a total fagbag. Hes probably hanging in a bungalow getting high, that fucking space stoner. The future is for the dicklickers, us real time travelers are about the past. I tell the youngsters when I sub at Maurice University of Time Traveling, the real treasure is the history of man while the future holds nothing but atomic wars and robotic cocks.

Anyway, it was a hell of a game as Steve "Hootin' n' Hollerin'" Major put on a clinic for the boys and hit for the cycle. That elusive triple finally happened on a ball scorched up the middle. Joe "Meatball Primavera" D'Ambrosio dropped jaws when he tripled the following inning, putting those rumors to bed about lack of hustle. "I run hard, I can triple any day, fuck my teammates," laughed the cigar chewing slugger with the press.

Brian "The Statue" Legentil had 3 BB, a single game record. He now leads the league in BB despite limited playing time. Jeff "Ballsagna" Cesarano was player of the game. Not a standout POTG as Major stole most of the thunder but he was still quality with 2 jizz bombs. Anthony "Queef Hog" Romeo turned in a nice line and recruited new blood from the farm. Evan "Chug-a-lug" Cuomo was called up from Triple-A Little Italy Maggianos to make his league debut. He played well, spraying 5 hits off the veteran Jeff "Face Fucked" Cesarano. Scouts have took note and will choose Evan over James next draft.

Angelo "Coon Flaps" Santaniello's power outage continues. Rumors are swirling that he could be sent down to iron out his swing, I personally think he needs to be traded to a low-pressure team like the Reno Tallywackers or North Michigan Snuff Pirates. Adam "Rust Bucket" Richardson had the worst game of his career. He was unavailable for comment but was seen committing several "no-mercy" murders on innocent bystanders. In one of the instances, a little boy asked for his heroes autograph, but Richardson responded with a loogie to the kids eye, a bat to his face, and a stomp of the heel to his fragile skull. Richardson's jersey sales skyrocketed after this incident. What a sick world we live in.

Wisconsin Cum Dumpsters
Cesarano: 5/10 - 2 HR (2-Run, 3-Run); 6 RBI
Legentil: 4/6 - 3 BB (RBI BB); 2 RBI
Romeo: 5/9; 2 RBI
D'Ambrosio: 6/9 - Triple; 5 RBI

Portland Dogpounds
Santaniello: 7/11; 2 RBI
Richardson: 4/11
Major: 8/10 - Grand Slam, Triple, 2 Doubles (CYCLE); 8 RBI
E. Cuomo: 5/10

Pitching
Cesarano: W (4-6) - 7 IP, 10 ER, 10 K
Richardson: L (4-3) - 4 IP, 11 ER, 4 K
Santaniello 3 IP, 4 ER, 0 K

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Game 17: 6/23/12

WP: Adam Richardson (4-2)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (3-6)
Player of the Game: Adam Richardson

MULTIPLE JACKS LEAD TO BUKKAKE
by Johnny Dickless - June 15, 2892 - 10:53 AM ET

***GAME SUMMARY NOT RECEIVED - WRITERS STRIKE***

Cleveland Creamers
James: 7/17; 2 RBI
Jeff: 9/16; 1 RBI
Steve: 10/16 - 2 HR (2-Run, 3-Run), Double; 9 RBI

Cox N Dix
Adam: 14/20 - 3 HR (Solo, 3-Run, Grand Slam), Double; 12 RBI
Romeo: 14/19 - 2 Doubles, Sac Fly; 6 RBI
Angelo: 14/20 - 2 Doubles; 4 RBI

Pitching
Jeff: L (3-6) - 7 IP, 22 ER, 8 K
Steve: 1 IP, 0 ER, 0 K
Adam: W (4-2) - 8 IP, 11 ER, 4 K
Angelo: 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K

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Game 16: 6/19/12

WP: Adam Richardson (3-2)
LP: Anthony Romeo (0-3)
SV: Austin Marchese (1)
Player of the Game: Adam Richardson

BULLGOOSE & MUDFLAP: A TEAM OF TWO
by John Smith - June 15, 2012 - 10:53 AM ET

Another evening sun sets on the glory of West Brook Stadium. The boys fought this one long and hard, with multiple lead changes throughout. But in the end, Jeff's Hairy Kunt pulling out victorious. Romeo and Richardson were tasked with the thankless job of pitching, and they pitched their best under the circumstances. Richardson had his knuckleball working, but he's still working on a scouting report for Major. Major is a career .770 hitter against knuckleballs. The Indian Scout Dept. was crunching numbers before the game while playing tennis in their business clothes, and they found that Major is only a .260 hitter against blumpkins, a pitch only thrown by a few wifflers. Richardson was debating developing a blumpkin in his bullpen sessions this week when he works with wiffle pitching legend "Zook" Sarnhouse.

Santaniello continued to slump at the plate, and he was debating after the game whether he would attend Little Majors hitting camp or take a few BP sessions with Randall "Scooter" McGooter, the career .615 hitter. Psycho T Dog was absent from the game, he had to sit out due to overwhelming homosexuality. Although doctors have checked out the diagnosis and it proved to be authentic, Psycho T Dog was seen later on Tuesday night in full Juggalo attire, jumping on an ICP tour bus with a bottle of faygo.

Anthony "2 Shots" Romeo had a huge day at the plate. It was Romes' birthday, so he coldcocked 2 longwangers over the wall. Austin "The White Tony Gwynn" Marchese collected 4 hits and made a few good plays in the field, while "Skunkhead" Santaniello continues to dazzle in the field. "Bullgoose" Richardson appears to be heating up, that's 16 HR in his past 5 games, and he got his slugging over the illustrious 1.000 mark. Also passing the 1.000 slugging mark, "Mudflap" Livio, who continues to dazzle in limited playing time. Livio and Richardson combined for 13 of the teams 14 runs.

Overall it was a good day at the ballpark. But the continued groundskeepers strike appears to be taking its toll on the field. As you know, the West Brook groundskeepers went on strike the first week of June because they wanted higher wages. Skunkhead Santaniello balked at their demand, but in a perplexing move, had not fired them. Grass is now hovering at waist level, and any ground ball is dead as soon as it hits the ground. The impasse continues, and we don't know whether or not playing conditions will improve any time soon.

OIL CAN UPDATE: Oil Can Johnston has been rehabbing for the San Francisco Ferrybirds for the past few weeks. He appears to be just weeks away from his 2012 debut. Oil Can underwent Tommy John surgery in the offseason, and his recovery has been ahead of schedule. A perennial Cy Young winner in the Pacific Coast Wiffleball League, Johnston put up a 14-4 season (4.88 ERA) in 2010 before injuring his elbow. We'll be sure to update you on any progress in the future, but lets hear it for Oil Can Johnston on the road to recovery. This one's on us, sir.


Jeff's Loose Asshole
Santaniello: 6/12
Major: 8/11 - Solo HR; 2 RBI
Romeo: 7/11 - 2 HR (Two 2-Run); 8 RBI
Vavosa: 5/11; 1 RBI

Jeff's Hairy Kunt
Richardson: 7/11 - 2 HR (Two 3-Run), Double; 8 RBI
Livio: 8/11 - 2 HR (2-Run, 3-Run); 5 RBI
Marchese: 5/10; 1 RBI
A. D'Ambrosio: 5/10

Pitching
Richardson: W (3-2) - 6 IP, 11 ER, 3 K
Marchese: SV (1) - 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 K
Romeo: L (0-3) - 5 IP, 14 ER, 4 K
Santaniello - 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K

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Game 15: 6/15/12

WP: Joe D'ambrosio (1-1)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (3-5)
Player of the Game: Steve Major

*WARNING* *WARNING* MAJOR EXPLOSION
by John Smith - June 15, 2012 - 10:53 AM ET

Steve Major was a force. Despite some GDs (gay dribblers), Major put on a show, smoking two dingers and spraying 18 hits out of the DH hole. He raised his average to an amazing .615, natural stud territory. Jeff wasn't himself on the mound as he gave up runs early and often, cherry-topped with a granny to who other then Steamin' Steve himself. He was pulled in the 6th with shoulder soreness by manager Fark Frowitski and will go for an MRI Saturday morning. Joe D pitched well in his second start, getting over his 1st inning woes and collecting the willy. He has progressed well since transitioning from full-time DH to starting pitcher. Big Daddy snapped his ugly funk with 2 solo shots, pick him up on your waivers if he was dropped, he appears to be heating up.

RT's Dawghouse
Joe D: 9/15 - 3-Run HR; 4 RBI
Angelo: 8/14
Steve (DH): 11/14 - 2 HR (Grand Slam, 2-Run); 9 RBI

Bound & Fisted
Jeff: 4/10 - 2 Solo HR; 3 RBI
Austin: 4/10; 3 RBI
Steve (DH): 7/9

Pitching
Joe: W (1-1) - 8 IP, 6 ER, 6 K
Angelo: 1 IP, 0 ER, 0 K
Jeff: L (3-5) - 6 IP, 13 ER, 3 K
Austin: 3 IP, 0 ER, 4 K

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Game 14: 6/14/12

WP: Adam Richardson (2-2)
LP: Joe D'Ambrosio (0-1)
SV: Angelo Santaniello (1)
Player of the Game: Adam Richardson

DOWNTOWN RICHARDSON HELPS OWN CAUSE: GOES YARD THRICE, GETS THE WILLY
by Weyland Foreslaw - June 13, 2012 - 10:53 AM ET

The Burbank Dishwashers, fresh off a 6-0 home stand, rolled into Northern New Mexico to take on the equally as hot Santa Fe Greasetrucks. Joe D'ambrosio was set to make his first start since 2008. It was an emotional day as he has not graced a mound since that infamous freak chess match accident at Red's Bagel Bar in Anchorage, Alaska. Joe showed rust early as he was pounded for 9 runs in the first, provoking calls from the fans for manager, Wyatt Burland to make the call to the pen. Instead, pitching coach "Swamp Ass" Cesarano called time and went through a bullpen session with the troubled righty to iron out the kinks and get him on track. Whatever Junkyard Jeff said must have worked as Wop Asshole appeared to be unhittable, striking out living legends like "The Santaniello Kid" and Matt "The Bat" Vavosa."

Downtown Richardson was not fooled by the reborn pitcher as he blasted 3 dingers. He blasted 2 actually as one was hit off his knuckles and barely scraped over. League office has been reviewing wall scrapers all year and there has been a serious movement to move the plate back. Sabermetrician, Mort Goldstein spearheaded the study of plate reconfiguration. "Not as many home runs will be hit, but every homer will be well deserved, is there cheese on this sandwich? O my I can't eat this."

The Dishwashers scraped their way back into the game, powered by 3-run jacks from Steamin' Steve Major and Wop Asshole. Up by 2 and headed into the ninth, the Greasetrucks called upon their closer, "Prince" Santaniello, a wild-thing fireballer who always makes things interesting. Sure enough, things got interesting as he loaded the bases and gave up a single to Cesarano to cut the lead to one. Steve Major walked to the plate with the bases loaded and two outs, ready to shoot a jizzbomb into the outfield and tie the game. Santaniello reared back and threw his wildest shit, finally K'ing Major and securing the willy for Richardson.

Game Notes: Major ended the day 9/12 and retook the AVG lead in what seems like will be an all-year battle with Santaniello..... Anthony D'ambrosio found his power stroke as he blasted 2 HR and looks ready to take the next step to stardom..... Vavosa turned in a respectable line for a tough day to be a DH, and looked "fucking stunning" cruising up to the field on a 2 wheeler according to Steve..... Cesarano is in a terrible funk at the plate, with only 3 hits in his last 20 ABs. Steve Major vowed not to sleep until Daddy breaks out of it and makes Steve happy inside.

Burbank Dishwashers
Jeff: 3/12; 1 RBI
Steve: 9/12 - 3-Run HR; 4 RBI
Joe D: 8/11 - 3-Run HR, Double; 5 RBI
Matt (DH): 5/11; 1 RBI

Santa Fe Greasetrucks
Angelo: 5/10; 1 RBI
Adam: 7/10 - 3 HR (3-Run, 2-Run, Solo); 6 RBI
Ant D: 5/10 - 2 HR (3-Run, Solo); 4 RBI
Matt (DH): 4/9; 1 RBI

Pitching
Joe D: L (0-1)9 IP, 12 ER, 9 K
Adam: W (2-2) - 8 IP, 10 ER, 3 K
Angelo: SV (1) - 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 K

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Game 13: 6/13/12

WP: Joe Palmaccio (1-0)
LP: Johnny Seitz (0-1)
Players of the Game: Joe Buccino/Jeff Cesarano/Angelo Santaniello

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD: THE RETURN OF JUICY JOE
by Stacy Woodruff - June 13, 2012 - 10:53 AM ET

Mark this day on your calendars, boys, June 13th, The Return of Juicy Joe. That's right, the Juiceman has returned after a long road back. As you remember. Juicy Joe Palmaccio was injured in a game last year in an all-out attempt to catch a 9th inning fly out. He ran into the wall and banged his head off the post, splitting open his skull. Fans are still queasy from the photos of the game, and most can't watch the video. Juicy Joe's skull was cracked open on the pole, and pieces of skull and brain matter let out onto the field. There was blood everywhere as paramedics rushed the field, trying to put his skull back together. Even opposing players stood with their mouths agape and their hands on their head, shocked at the sight of seeing one of the games most beloved players spill out the contents of his skull onto the field. A few fans seated close to the action even caught pieces of brain matter in the accident, with one fan infamously putting up a piece on eBay ("AUTHENTIC PIECE OF JUICY JOE'S SKULL! L@@K!!!! REAL!!!" reads the eBay listing).

Palmaccio was originally diagnosed with a skull fracture and brain hemorrhaging, but later it was discovered that he also completely lost function in the prefrontal cortex. Surgeons made the call that the best course of action was removing the remaining parts of the anterior frontal lobes, thus essentially giving him a lobotomy. "It was the only way we could save him,"" said Dr. Hymas of New York Presbyterian Hospital. "The bloodletting was severe, and if he had any shot of playing wiffleball again, we had to remove the anterior lobe." Palmaccio's return to wiffleball was deemed highly unlikely, and in some cases, a "fantasy." But after a full year of rehabbing, a full year of climbing the hill, fighting the long hard battle, he has returned. He took the field in the top of the first to a roaring applause and standing ovation. He spoke about his return after the game, saying "Me feel good. Return fun." Palmaccio still can't function in every day society as a result of the lobotomy, but he can still wiff with the best of them. "Me fight hard to get good. Me like wiffleball. Joe play again. Joe like playing."

Juicy's return coincided with the return of Buddy Buccino from his days in the Nippon Wiffleball League in Japan. Buddy famously had a contract dispute with his team's owner S.L. Spreigh last summer, and Spreigh shipped him to Japan. Buccino was on his way to a Cy Young season before the trade, making many fans hate the ornery Spreigh even more. He came back and pitched like he had something to prove, going 10 strong innings, striking out 19 and letting up zero runs. Possibly the most dominant wiffleball performance of all time (possibly? Definitely), Buddy proved that he had nothing to learn in Japan, and he came back to the states as a man on a mission.

Another big story of the game was the call-up of noted prospect Casey Hayo. Hayo had been hitting .688 for the triple-A Danton Woodcutters, slugging a league leading 33 HR. His call up was well overdo, as many fans already seemed aware of him as he took his first swing. Brian "Tommy Gun" Thompson made his 2012 debut after suffering a rotator cuff injury during spring training.

Swamp Ass Cesarano also pitched the game of his life, going 10 scoreless innings, leaving this the lowest scored PWL game in history. The Berlin Blumpkins finally took the lead in the top of the 12th on a Tommy Gun Thompson solo HR. But as night fell, the ball started disappearing. In the bottom of the 12th, Johnny Boy Seitz came in for the save, but Juicy Joe singled, Buddy walked, then Hayo singled, and "Hard Rock" Santaniello blasted an opposite field, game-winning 2-run double. The Hard Rock kid needed the hit, as he had been slumping at the plate. "It's about the big hit. I only care about stats as far as they help my team. I feel good. I'm ready to rock. Hard rock." Juicy Joe spoke about his teammates big hit in the post-game, saying "Angelo hit good. Hit ball hard. Run come score. Joe like." Doctors have said that Juicy Joe might pick up more eloquent speech in time, but for now, he's still in the beginning stages after spending 100% of his rehab on wiffleball activities. Downtown Richardson spoke with a twinkle in his eye after the game, "You know, this guy, we played together all last year, we formed a unit in the outfield and at the plate. We've missed him. To have him back is just...well it tugs at the heart."

Major spoke about giving Joe a welcome-back blowjob after the game, saying "that son of a bitch deserves it. I know we lost, and I take it hard, but you gotta tip your cap." Indeed, it was a hard fought battle of a game, and many fuses were tested (Richardson of course, broke some things) but in the end it was hard not to feel that the outcome was somewhat perfect, with Juicy Joe, returning to the lineup after more than a year away, rehabbing all year round, on this long road back, he came around to score the winning run. It was a game for the ages. Joe was notably absent-minded in the clubhouse, but there was that hint of the old Juiceman there, that twinkle in the eye. "Joe like playing. Joe play good?" reporters shook their head, yes. Joe play good.

Berlin Blumpkins
Thompson: 2/8 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Seitz: 1/8
Cesarano: 0/8
D'ambrosio: 4/8
Ax: 1/7
Major: 1/5

Italian Scallions
Richardson: 2/8
Buccino: 0/7 - BB
Palmaccio: 4/8
Hayo: 1/8
Santaniello: 3/8 - 2 RBI
Romeo: 1/6

Pitching
Cesarano: 10 IP, 0 ER, 15 K
Ax:: 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 K
Thompson: 0.1 IP, 1 ER, 1 K
Seitz: 0 IP, 1 ER, 0 K

Buccino: 10 IP, 0 ER, 19 K
Santaniello: 1 IP, 0 ER, 1 K
Palmaccio: 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 K

---

---

Game 12: 6/10/12

WP: Austin Marchese (1-2)
LP: Anthony Romeo (0-2)
Player of the Game: Austin Marchese

SMALL TURNOUT, BIG RESULTS
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage - August 009, 20DZ - 10:53 AM ET

Despite most of the league having sand deep in their vaginas, wiffleball was meant to be on that gloomy Sunday. Downtown Richardson organized the game but got caught up in an armed robbery at the Swiss Pork Store and didn't make it. Cesarano didn't make it because he was the one robbing the Swiss Pork Store. The strike zone was replaced with a refrigerator which was remarkably an identical size. Steve Major's average dipped under .590 for the first time in his career. His power stroke is back as he belted 2 home runs but according to the man himself, he doesn't care about those numbers. "All I care about is my team winning, stats are silly... DID YOU MARK THAT FUCKING SINGLE?!?!" Marchese had a great game, hitting 3 dingers and collecting 9 RBI while pitching a sound game. He gave up 8 runs and requested that one be counted as unearned, but rule 46-1B in Worldwide Wiffleball Rules by "Creamy" Joe Wallace states that "Every run scored, no matter the circumstances is charged to the pitcher HAHAHA." Vavosa roped the first double of his blossoming career, this kid has a future. Donny was his usual reliable self, knocking 7 hits and upping his AVG to .574. Santaniello had to exit early due to a dinner event honoring recent hall of fame inductees, "T-bone" Jonesy Beckler, Gabe Scones, and "Steak-Fried" Quincy Copples.

Anal Rapists
Steve: 5/10 - 2 HR; 3 RBI
Angelo: 4/6; 1 RBI
Austin: 9/10 - 3 HR (Grand Slam); 9 RBI
Don: 2/2
Kyle: 2/3

Mouth Rapers
Don: 5/9; 2 RBI
Vavosa: 7/8 - 2B; 4 RBI
Anthony: 7/9; 2 RBI

Pitching
Anthony: L (0-2) - 6 IP, 13 ER, 1 K
Austin: W (1-2) - 6 IP, 8 ER, 2 K

---

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Game 11: 6/8/12

WP: Angelo Santaniello (4-2)
LP: Adam Richardson (1-2)
Player of the Game: Steve Major

THE BIG BANG
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage - Jurassic Era - 10:53 AM ET

Gotta make this one quick gents, I see a few of them Velociraptors down in the canyon picking up my scent. Damn near lost it when I woke up last night hearing a few scurry on past my camp. Vicious little suckers. I ain't too worried being that any bad shit coming my way will become acquainted with my Remington G2 Laser Rifle. No trouble around these parts yet. Its actually a damn fine time, watching the Brontosaurus graze the plains as I try and fix this damn capsule thats been shitting out on me since 2804. Don't get me wrong, there is danger. Sometimes at night you can hear him in the distance making a kill. You hear the stomping, you hear the shrieking. Hes one big fella... Hell, this dinosaur shit ain't for me. I best get going, I got a pickle to pick with "High Pants" Willy Shupe in 1928. O by the way, great game played fellas.

Montreal Expos
Steve: 7/13 - Two 3-Run HRs; 6 RBI
Angelo: 8/13; 1 RBI
Austin: 8/13 - 3-Run HR; 5 RBI
Anthony: 2/12 - BB; 1 RBI

Seattle SuperSonics
Adam: 8/13 - 4 HR (3 Solo, 3-Run); 7 RBI
Eddie: 6/12 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Jeff: 6/12
Joe: 5/12 - Solo HR; 1 RBI

Pitching
Austin: 7 IP, 11 ER, 5 K
Angelo: W (4-2) - 2 IP, 0 ER, 4 K
Jeff: 8 IP, 11 ER, 14 K
Adam: L (1-2), BS (1) - 1 IP, 2 ER

---

---

Game 10: 6/6/12

WP: Jeff Cesarano (3-4)
LP: Anthony Romeo (0-1)
SV: Adam Richardson (2)
Player of the Game: Joe D'Ambrosio

A MOMENT OF SILENCE PASSES AS THE LEGEND LIVES ON
by "Hungry" Hank Gaddis 6/5/2012 10:53 AM ET


Pregame festivities before the game to honor Andy "Big Rig" Mattson as he rode the sunset into retirement. It was a tearful goodbye to one of the games beloved fuckfaces. Players spoke of the retired slugger in respectful tones. "I'll miss him, but I certainly wont miss the time he took in the box. Asshole took forever," said Romeo. "I run the fuckin' league and I don't want these fuckin' assholes taking forever at the plate, just swing the fuckin' bat or sit the fuck down. If you ask me, I'm glad he's gone," spoke a bitter Santaniello. Mattson threw out the ceremonial first pitch to a roaring applause.

The other big story of the game was the arrivial of hot young hitting prospect Brian Legentil Jr. As you know, Brian Legentil, co-owner and all time great wiffler, tragically passed away two years ago. Brian Jr. was a top-ranked prospect when his father died, and he paid his dues in the minors for his shot at the show. Wearing #3 (to honor his father's #13) he had a solid debut as he went 4-11 with 2 key walks. Scouts have long spoke about his eye at the plate, and that's what drew the biggest compliments after the game. "The guy just doesn't swing if it's a junk pitch," said Cesarano.

Joe A'Dambrosio re-upped his HGH intake and had the game of his life, blasting 4 HR and collecting 10 RBI for the Deepthroats. Swamp Ass Cesarano pitched well thru 8, then handed the ball to the closer; Richardson. Richardson got in trouble early as Romes hit a 2-Run HR to pull the Handjobs to within 2. He then gave up a single to Skunkhead Santaniello before walking both Brian Jr. and Romes. That left Steamin' Steve as the final out with the bases loaded. The hard fought battle was testy as Richardson struggled to find his control, but he made his pitch and struck out Major to end the game. It was a hard fought victory and a rollercoaster 9th inning, but the Deepthroats pulled it out.

Anthony "Dr. Death" D'Ambrosio contributed a solo HR himself and flashed some solid glove work, his infielding sessions with hall of fame glove man Bucky "Two Gloves" Ryan having paid off. Fan favorite rookie "Cheech" Villafueite was put on waivers before the game, with his contract being bought by the Tallahassee Tallywackers. He'll return to game action on the next road trip. It was a tense day at the field, but one that brought us closer together as Americans. As Brian Legentil Jr. said in the postgame "I'm just here to honor my dad. His spirit, his integrity. He gave it all to PWL." .

"Tin Cup" Richardson continued his slump as he only went 6-13 with a solo HR. The slugger's slow starts have become a part of PWL lore, but the sleeping giant is still a deadly out. Skunkhead Santaniello said "Yeah, right. At some point it stops being a slow start and just becomes a bad season. Sit the fuck down." Richardson spoke about getting his swing back. When asked by reporters what that might consist of, he launched into a soliloquy in the clubhouse: "Well, I tend to think of the baseball swing as a poem. The critical opening phrase of this poem will always be the grip. Which the hands unite to form a single unit by the simple overlap of the little finger. Lowly and slowly the barrel is led back. Pulled into position not by the hands, but by the body which turns away from the target shifting weight to the right side without shifting balance. Tempo is everything; perfection unobtainable as the body coils down at the top of the swing. There's a slight hesitation. A little nod to the gods; that he is fallible. That perfection is unobtainable. And now the weight begins shifting back to the left pulled by the powers inside the earth. It's alive, this swing! A living sculpture and down through contact, always down, striking the wiffleball crisply, with character. A tuning fork goes off in your heart and your balls. Such a pure feeling is the well-struck wiffleball. Now the follow through to finish. Always on line. The reverse C of the Golden Bear! The steel workers' power and brawn of Kurt Russell. And the unfinished symphony of Downtown Richardson. I'll get my swing back, boys. And if not now in Paramus, then next month in Dallas. And if not then, then the month after that in New Orleans. Hey, I'm back."

Houston Handjobs
Steve: 8/14 - Two 2-Run HR, Double; 4 RBI
Angelo: 7/13 - 2 HR (2-Run. 3-Run), Double; 5 RBI
Brian: 4/11 - 2 BB
Anthony: 3/11 - 2-Run HR, Sac Fly, BB; 4 RBI

Dallas Deepthroats
Adam: 6/13 - Solo HR, 2 RBI
Jeff: 4/13; 1 RBI
Ant D: 9/12 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Joe D: 8/12 - 4 HR (Solo, Two 2-Run, 3-Run), Sac Fly; 10 RBI

Pitching
Angelo: 6 IP, 9 ER, 6 K
Anthony: L (0-1) - 3 IP, 5 ER, 3 K
Jeff: W (3-4) - 8 IP, 11 ER, 8 K
Adam: SV (2) - 1 IP, 2 ER, 2 K

---

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Game 9: 6/4/12

WP: Kyle Ax (3-0)
LP: Angelo Santaniello (3-2)
Angelo Santaniello: BS (1)
Player of the Game: Noe Villaqueite

WONTON WAR: WING LEE UPSETS HUNAN JUGGERNAUT
by Frank Westcock 6/5/2012 10:53 AM ET

Its been common knowledge for centuries that Empire Hunan will never be topped by any inferior restaurants such as Tin's House or Red Apple. Frankly, Hunan is too powerful and has too many lobbyists in Washington for anyone to challenge their esteemed product. Tobacco, drugs, firearms, and Empire Hunan, otherwise known as "The Big 4", are continuously challenged by anti-fun groups, but always seem to come out victorious with armies of lawyers protecting them. Not today. Today marks the day where a little Chinese restaurant tucked away in the suburbs of NJ steps up and battles the Emperor face-to-face.

Wing Lee, a mom and pop restaurant owned by Wang Chung, was sick and tired of watching Hunan corner the market on American slobs. They had to do something to stop this madness. They couldn't sue because Hunan has Washington DC in their back pocket. They couldn't put out a better product because Hunan uses "shang-zao" in their food, better known in English as crack-cocaine. The only thing they could do was sponsor a wiffleball team and challenge the Empire to a game.

Wing Lee built their team on speed and heart. Steve Major, Kyle Ax, and newly called up prospect Noe Villaqueite rounded out their team. Noe's debut was highly touted and received as much press as Ricky "Two Guns" Calzone when he was called up back in 1989. Empire Hunan built their team on money. Santaniello received a $5 million bonus to play in this game while Cesarano and Romeo were promised a fully functional shrimp toast pyramid. Richardson served as DH, as he was found to have strong zen, and would play equally for both squads.

The Wonton War began as Ax and Cesarano came out dealing. Major put the underdog Wing Lees on the board first as he blasted a 2-run pork dumpling over the fence. Hunan fired back with a solo egg roll off the bat of Romeo only to be answered by another 2-run pork dumpling from Richardson. Emotions ran high and the lo mein was fried, but the players knew they had a crispy duck with brown sauce waiting at the finish line.

Hunan fed their players Moo Shu w/ 2 Pancakes in order to get some production out them. It seemed to have worked as Cesarano absolutely hammered a crispy shrimp with walnuts, knocking in 4 and putting the Empire up. "Rery good, rery good. Tim/Jeff never dissapoint," said Hunan manager Gung Woo with an evil smirk on his face.

The game continued on and it looked like Empire Hunan would come out victorious once again... like they always do. Santaniello came in the 9th to close it out, recently inspired by Brett Myers, the greatest closer in the history of baseball. A few singles later and BOOM.... Richardson mashed an egg drop wonton-bomb to force the game into extras.

Extra innings were filled with excitement. Noe made what was perhaps the greatest defensive play in league history as he managed to hold onto an absolute laser that hit him squarely in the head of the penis. This play was so impressive that it garnered a new award that mirrors the Golden Glove, the Golden Cock. There was also a controversial play as Major doubled off the foul pole, but was first believed to be a home run. The play did not matter as Noe stepped up to the plate and had the Coors Light drive of the game as he smacked a peking duck-bomb over the wall for the go-ahead and eventually game winning runs for Wing Lee.

Empire Hunan did not take the defeat lightly as they had multiple scouts binded, tortured, and slaughtered and served in pu pu platters. Santaniello was found gagged and tied upside-down in a warehouse hovering over a vat of soy sauce. Cesarano and Romeo were found buried under bricks of their shrimp toast pyramid. Ax, Major, and Noe were rewarded with a lifetime supply of Wing Lee food, but all three have become extremely ill from supernatural levels of MSG and diarrhea. In the end, there were no losers and there were no winners. The Wonton War has just begun.

Wing Lee
Kyle: 6/17
Steve: 10/17 - 2-Run HR, Double; 3 RBI
Noe: 8/16 - 2-Run HR; 3 RBI
Adam (DH): 7/16 - 3 HR (Solo, 2-Run, 3-Run); 7 RBI

Empire Hunan
Angelo: 9/16; 3 RBI
Jeff: 5/16 - Solo HR, Grand Slam; 5 RBI
Anthony: 8/16 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Adam (DH): 6/15; 2 RBI

Pitching
Kyle: W (3-0) - 13 IP, 11 ER, 13 K
Jeff: 8 IP, 8 ER, 14 K
Angelo: L (3-2), BS (1) - 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 K

---

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Game 8: 6/3/12

WP: Jeff Cesarano (2-4)
LP: Austin Marchese (0-2)
Adam Richardson, SV (1)
Player of the Game: Joe D'ambrosio

RESISTANCE SPENDS A DAY PLAYING BALL, BUT NIGHT IS COMING
by CAPTAIN R.J. TUSCALOOSA OF 101 COMPANY, BASE: OMEGA STATION ZETA, 7/30/2137 10:53 AM ET

The rise came after the French civil war of 2116. If you are reading this, you are the resistance. They came from the sky. Thousands of them. Slaying humanity for our resources, using us as food. We were over run in days. Supplies were scarce. Entire countries collapsed in hours. Those who survived fight with the resistance. To kill time between the Paradise Raid 0227 and basic training, the boys on the ship here play wiffleball. It's the only thing that keeps our mind off of the desperation.

We divided the boys into two teams, The San Antonio Stalefish, and the Key West Sharks. The game started slow but after a while we started getting our minds off the impending strike of the L1L, and we scored some runs. Captain Cesarano of the 1211 Company pitched for the Sharks, going 8 strong innings. Seargant Major makes a thing out of slapping the boys on the ass after they put in a good game. Base Corporal D'Ambrosio had the great game, going 4-8 with a grand slam.

Commander Richardson (healed from his tour of Luna, where he sustained multiple injuries fighting the swarm of H-flies) went 3-8 and hit a towering 3-Run homer. Base Captain Livio received a call during the game, and he had to relieve Sanderson from nightwatch duties. The nights are long, and we men on a few anti-spacecraft guns looking out fo the H-flies. Last week, Officer Santaniello rode the wing and secured a victory for the resistance after an army of Zeglers attacked at dawn.

We went Hoss out into the darkness in the 6th inning when debris from the Canis Majoris galaxy started to hit. He took a Bushnell 8MP Night Vision Trail Camera with him. The Bushnell allows us to capture images in the darkness and night. It's safer in the dark, for the creatures eyesight faults in the shadow. We play wiffleball just to pass the time during the raids and invasions, but we are slowly losing hope. But there is still time. In the year 2057, humanity will come in contact with an alien race know as the Yijirtyl. Please, do not trust them. Their soldiers will drop down from the sky and consume our planet. Please, if you are reading this, there is still hope, there is still time. Beware of these Yirjirtyls, for they will destroy our world and our lives. Our technology only permits us one message every three years, if you do not hear from the resistance by 2014 your time, all is lost. This is Captain R.J. Tuscaloosa of 101 Company.

TRANSMISSION WILL END IN 5 SECONDS...
4
3
2
1...

San Antonio Stalefish
Steve: 5/8 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Don: 5/8 - 2 Solo HR, Double; 2 RBI
Austin: 5/8 - 2-Run HR; 3 RBI
Eddie: 1/8
James: 3/8
Adam (DH): 1/2
Bentz: 0/6

Key West Sharks
Angelo: 6/9; 1 RBI
Ant D: 2/9 - 2-Run HR; 2 RBI
Jeff: 3/8
Joe D: 4/8 - Grand Slam; 4 RBI
Hoss: 1/3
Adam: 3/8 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI

Pitching
Jeff: W (2-4), 8.1 IP, 8 ER, 16 K
Austin: L (0-2), 9 IP, 10 ER, 7 K
Adam: SV (1) 0.2 IP

--------------------
Game 2 Stats
Steve: 3/5 - Sac Fly; 1 RBI
Don: 4/6; 1 RBI
Jeff: 3/5; 1 RBI
Austin: 2/5; 1 RBI
Joe: 3/5; 1 RBI

Adam: 5/5 - 2 Solo HR; 2 RBI
Angelo: 2/5
Eddie: 1/5
James: 1/3 - BB
Ant: 1/4 - 2-Run HR; 2 RBI

---

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Game 7: 5/31/12

WP: Kyle Ax (2-0)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (1-4)
Player of the Game: Kyle Ax

NEW SPADE IN TOWN: AX THE ACE SPOILS RECORD BREAKING 25 Ks BY SWAMP ASS
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 6/26/1929 10:53 AM ET

In what was perhaps the most thrilling contest in PWL history, "Carl Edwards" Ax tossed the game of his career and propelled the Carson City Coons to a 5-3 victory over their archrivals, the Quebec Queefs. Ax was absolutely brilliant on the mound, tossing 11 frames of 3 run ball while striking out 10. He also gathered an astonishing 238 ass-slaps from an extremely close by Steve Major who seemed to shadow Ax with every step. The strategy seemed to pay off as Steamin' Steve made several spectacular plays, throwing himself into consideration for a 3rd straight gold glove.

Another storyline was the performance of "Swamp Ass" Cesarano as he K'd 25 out of a possible 33 batters, setting the record for single-game strikeouts. Known for his wild control and hot temper, he left that all behind and brought his A-game to the table as he made batters look silly all day. "I'm gonna strike out here," Major explained while in the box with a 3-2 count. Cesarano razzled and dazzled but failed to contain the slippery turd and got splashed by toilet water in the end.

After the Queefs took an early lead with some small ball scoring, the Coons came back with a pair of solo dingers from Santaniello and Buffalo, his first of the season. Steamin' Steve Major put them on top with a solo blast, but was answered by a late rally RBI from Swamp Ass. The Coons came back in the 11th with a long rally, highlighted by Ax drawing a key walk from an obviously fatigued Cesarano. Steve Major hit a sac fly for the go-ahead run. He screamed and personally threatened Anthony to run like his fucking life depended on it, but then giggled and jumped for joy when Anthony crossed the plate.

Despite going a respectable 5/10, Downtown Richardson was disappointed in his team's effort to do anything right offensively. After the game ended he was seen performing a Swanton Bomb to the strikezone and pummeling the tin until his knuckles were blanketed in blood. Bob Gordon of Channel 9 made the mistake of approaching Richardson asking for comments. Gordon was answered with a quick left hook and a boom microphone firmly driven up his asshole. In an immense amount of pain at this point, Gordon was safely taken away in an ambulance. "Oh thank heavens I'll be safe from that monster of a man," said Gordon weakly. The driver turned his head, "Buckle up Bobby boy, WOOOO WEEEEE!" To Gordon's horror, Richardson had stolen the ambulance and proceeded to ghost ride the vehicle off a cliff into a missile factory which exploded and attracted vultures who picked at the charred bodies and shit all over the place. The End.

*unbeknownst to the players, the game was 11 innings

Carson City Coons
Kyle: 0/8 - BB
Angelo: 5/9 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Major: 2/5 - Solo HR, Sac Fly; 2 RBI
Buffalo: 4/9 - Solo HR, Double; 2 RBI
Romeo: 2/7
Joe D(H): 1/8

Quebec Queefs
Ricahrdson: 5/10 - 2 Doubles
Marchese: 4/10; 1 RBI
Ant D: 2/10; 1 RBI
Jeff: 4/10; 1 RBI
Joe D(H): 2/7

Pitching
Jeff: 11 IP, 5 ER, 25 K
Kyle: 11 IP, 3 ER, 10 K

---

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Game 6: 5/29/12

WP: Kyle Ax (1-0)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (1-3)
Player of the Game: Kyle Ax

AX MURDERER CALLS UPON THE HEAVENS TO REIGN DOWN ON SMOKING DICKS TAKING SHITS
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 2/16/4509 XE 4:51 AM ET

**POSTPONED BUT PROBABLY NOT**

The threat of rain darn scared most of the players away during the 4th inning. Too bad, they could have squeezed in another few innings. How did I know they could of played more? Because I'm Time Travelin' Dan Snossage, the quirky time traveler who writes these darn summaries for the PWL. I'm writing this from the year 4509 XE. While sitting here smoking my spice pipe, I realized the boys down at PWL were about to be hit by a storm. I've been squandering here while my travel pod is recharging and realized that I have a summary deadline! I gotta make it quick though as a team of Q-type cyborgs have been after me since I stole the ancient bionic key from Planet Broleen back in 3928 XE. Hah, and those PWL boys thought they had it bad from a little rain.

Anyway, a few notes for ya: "Carl Edwards" Ax had a hellava game, player of the game in fact, blasting 2 dingers over the wall and pitching a sound game of wiffleball. Only blemish was giving up a HR to his arch nemesis Cocksweat Cesarano. Richardson, I can't even talk about this son of a bitch after what he did to that hooker back in 1862... ah hell with it, he had a solo blast that put those Handshakes on top. Semen Steve Major looked mighty fine as usual and rounded out the shortened game with a perfect 5/5, look out boys, the batting champ is back. Hell, even Old Hoss debuted and sprayed his first hit of the seasson. Damn I'm so proud of that fella. Welp, them the clouds came, but no rain, and them boys took off like baby skeeters in a mudpile.

Well, I best get back to my pod and head off. 1929 seems about right. Time Travelin' Dan Snossage... out.

Baltimore Handshakes
Kyle: 2/6 - 2 Solo HR; 3 RBI
Steve: 5/5; 1 RBI
Adam: 2/5 - Solo HR; 1 RBI
Tim: 1/5

Smoking Dicks Taking Shits
Angelo: 5/6
Jeff: 4/6 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Austin: 1/6
Anthony: 2/4
Adam: 0/1; 1 RBI

Pitching
Kyle: 3.2 IP, 4 ER,4 K
Jeff: 4 IP, 5 ER, 4 K

---

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Game 5: 5/28/12

WP: Jeff Cesarano (1-2)
LP: Austin Marchese (0-1)
Player of the Game: Angelo Santaniello

MEMORIAL DAY GAME WAS A WAR, 20 DEADLY BOMBS DROPPED
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 14 BC 4:51 AM ET

Memorial Day. Remembering our servicemen throughout history that have defended this country and protected the freedoms that we enjoy today. The PWL recognizes this holiday as one of the most important as many past vets of the PWL served their country such as Whispering Willy Chalker, Davy "Cakes" Jones, and Ned Entenmanns. Before the game, players gathered behind home plate to pay respects to this wonderful country as Gunther Schultz performed a beautiful rendition of the national anthem on a baby grand. F-16s flew overhead leaving behind a stream of red, white and blue chemtrails, a skydiver jumped into the field with an American flag parachute, Steve shed a tear and the ump cried "Play Ball!"

The game was reminiscent of the lopsided Battle of Cold Harbor as the Juggling Jerkoffs racked up a 15-0 lead, led by the heroic homers of league leader Santaniello who deposited 4 HR over the green monster. It was a hot, sweaty day and players of the Butchered Ballsacks appeared like they wanted to throw in the towel. Even with his team up by 15, "Swamp Ass" Cesarano was relentless as he kept mixing up his pitches and throwing straight gas at the pathetic opposition. He struck out Donny Fastlane 5 times in a row, which left many poor children crying as all they wanted to see was their hero go deep.

Joe D left the game, fearing his average would keep plummeting if Swamp Ass continued to deal. The game had to continue so the Jerkoffs traded the controversial figure to the Ballsacks in exchange for Hoss and cash considerations. Santaniello took the mound for the Jerkoffs and proceeded to give up the huge lead. "He must be hurt, I'm so nervous," said Steve Major as he was tanning his pastey white ass in center field. Bomb after bomb sailed over the fence. "Downtown" Richardson kept pace in the home run race as he cranked 3 garbage time solo blasts. "No pictures in the box score", said the slugger who has a Mark Teixiera poster hanging in his locker. Even "Junkyard" Jeff was cranking dingers and got his horrendous start off his back. Donny Baseball made the fans roar when he sent a towering bomb into his fanatic "Donnywood" section, where the fans are shirtless and chants of "Hot-Dog, Hot-Dog!" ring out over his theme song "Life in the Fastlane".

In the end, the Ballsacks made it quite interesting as they brought the score to a 1 run deficit, but couldn't finish the job as the Juggling Jerkoffs held on. Asked in the postgame about what ensued out there, Santaniello remarked, "Sometimes its not about integrity or sportsmanship, its about meatballs. Sweet juicy meatballs."

Game Notes: A record 20 HR were hit in a single game.....Austin had a game high 11 hits, boosting his AVG out of Mendoza land.....Anthony kept raking as he hit another 3 bombs in the DH role, taking the SLG lead.....Richardson was seen dousing the strikezone with gasoline and table-sawing the bat.......Hoss is close to a return as he played a rehab game with the Triple-A Garfield Bullfrogs going 8/9 with 7 HR and a triple.

Juggling Jerkoffs
Angelo: 9/13 - 4 HR (2 Solo, 2-Run, 3-Run); 8 RBI
Jeff: 6/8 - 2 HR (Solo, 2-Run); 3 RBI (Traded Mid-game)
Steve: 7/13 - 2 HR (2-Run, 3-Run); 6 RBI
Matt: 5/13
Anthony: 5/8 - Solo HR, BB; 2 RBI

Butchered Ballsacks
Don: 5/13 - 2 HR (Solo, 2-Run); 3 RBI
Adam: 7/12 - 3 Solo HR; 3 RBI
Austin: 11/12 - 2-Run HR; 2 RBI
Joe: 1/6
Anthony: 6/8 - Two 2=Run HR; 4 RBI
Jeff: 4/6 - 3 HR (Solo, 2-Run, 3-Run); 6 RBI

Pitching
Jeff: 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 K
Angelo: 4 IP, 16 ER, 3 K
Austin: 3 IP, 6 ER, 1 K, 1 BB
Don: 2 IP, 7 ER, 1 K
Adam: 4 IP, 6 ER, 5 K

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Game 3: 5/24/12

WP: Angelo Santaniello (2-1)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (0-2)
Player of the Game: Matt "The Bat" Vavosa

BEARDS IN THE OUTFIELD: VAVOSA POWERS HOME STRANGE BEARDFELLOWS
by Time Travelin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 1/28/1977 4:51 AM ET

No one thought this game would be played, as thunderstorms held up the start time all day. But the wiff Gods closed the skies long enough to get it started. Although the thunderstorms were sporadic throughout the game, showing up every few innings, the game went smoothly with only 3 ACL tears.

Matt "The Bat" Vavosa knocked off his 2012 debut in style, hitting a HR in his first two at bats of the young season. WCIMMF got off to a promising start, but the Cocksweats fought back. Richardson's slow start continued as he still hasn't found his power stroke, but he chipped in 4 doubles (a single game record?) and was on base at an alarming rate. Cesarano made his 3rd consecutive start and started off well, but got rocked in the later innings.

The game turned into a blood bath of sorts, as Steamin' Steve Major and Awesome Angelo had solid games. Major expressed some concern before the game, saying "yeah my asshole was a little sore, I didn't think I would be of great service to my team, but we grinded it out." Austin had what is perhaps the single worst performance in a wiffleball game, going 4-14, getting doubled off first to kill 2 rallies, and notably striking out 3 times in an inning to end any hope of a comeback for the Cocksweats. He was spotted after the game burning his equipment and sacrificing a Chalmers sister to the wiffeball Gods.

He held a press conference afterwards to apologize for his poor performance, citing his need to re-find his inner wiffleball player. He announced that he will undergo a two-week trek through the hallowed ground of Paramus Cemetery to conjure the spirits of the greats to help guide him back to his natural potetion. He will reportedly summon the likes of past greats like Peewee Perry Paulson, Dancin' Dale Thorberg, Old Grease Culhorn, and Gabe Scones. Scones was one of the best all time wifflers in his day, but he tragically passed away in his prime (coming off a 44 HR season) when his plane was attacked by a flock of seagulls and fell into the ocean where he was eaten by a shark.

Hung Lu was not present at this game, as he had to attend to matters at home (he killed his wife). Santaniello continued his hot start, flashing the power numbers that he hopes to keep up throughout the year. Vavosa earned the Player of the Game, but deferred the award to his beard, stating "I would love to take credit for this, but honestly guys, it's the beard. Beards make badass ballplayers."

Whoever Can Cum In My Mouth First
Kyle: 4/12; 1 RBI
Angelo: 8/12 - Grand Slam; 4 RBI
Steve: 7/12; 3 RBI
Matt: 6/12 - 2-Run HR, Solo HR; 5 RBI

Cocksweats
Adam: 9/14 - 4 Doubles; 2 RBI
Austin: 5/14; 1 RBI
Jeff: 7/14 - Solo HR; 2 RBI

Pitching
Angelo: 6 IP, 4 ER, 1 K
Jeff: 7 IP, 13 ER, 10 K
Kyle: 3 IP, 1 ER, 6 K
Adam: 2 IP, 0 ER, 0 K

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Game 2: 5/22/12

WP: Angelo Santaniello (1-1)
LP: Jeff Cesarano (0-1)
Player of the Game: Anthony 'Ramblin' Romeo

TONY AINT NO PHONY, VET RIPS 3 BOMBS IN SEASON DEBUT
by Danglin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 7/28/1943 4:51 AM ET

Game 2 marked a return to the slugfest PWL that we all know and love. Cesarano started his 2nd game of the season and took the hard loss as Romeo's Ramblers battled throughout. What started as a bloodbath, with Jeff's Sore Asshole taking a large 9-1 lead into the 3rd inning, turned into a battle of attrition as both team's rallied behind their starters to open the floodgates of this young season.

Romeo helped his own cause by slugging 3 HR (including his specialty, the Grand Slam) and collecting 8 RBI on the day. Richardson is starting to heat up from his notorious slow starts as he clubbed 2 HR and 2 doubles. Richardson has 10 hits on the season, 5 for extra bases. "I worked with Kevin Long between innings to tweak my swing. I felt like I wasn't staying back enough and I was maybe bailing a little early."

Ax was activated off the DL and had a promising start, but unfortunately he had to be carted off the field on a stretcher after he re-tore his liver. Manager Davy Smittleton said after the game "He tried to rush it back. Can't blame him, the kid's got fire in his belly. But we need to focus on the long-term, so he needs to take some time off until he's fully ready." Ax was sent to the Anareen Clinic in Abilene, Texas after the game for evaluation. He will undergo a 6-week detox session that hopes to have him ready in time by the all star break.

Santaniello continued his power outing by hitting 2 HR. Smittleton spoke about his star player's early power numbers, "He's always a hot starter. I worry about him down the stretch, he usually cools off." Santaniello didn't take too kindly to the skipper's words, "Fuck that little midget, beady-eyed fuck. He's just pissed because i fucked his wife. I'm staying hot this year." He put on a pair of white aviators and added, "Most people go back to Burlywood, but I've found my place in Donnywood."


Romeo's Ramblers
Santaniello: 10/14 - Two 2-Run HR; 6 RBI
Richardson: 7/13 - Two 2-Run HR, 2 Doubles; 6 RBI
Ramblin' Romeo: 6/12 - 3 HR - Solo, 3-Run, Grand Slam, BB; 8 RBI
Joe D(H): 5/7

Jeff's Sore Asshole
Kyle: 5/7 - 3-Run HR; 4 RBI
Austin: 5/11 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Jeff: 4/11 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Joe D(H): 7/11 - Solo HR; 2 RBI

Pitching
Jeff: 7 IP, 20 ER, 7 K
Angelo 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 K
Anthony: 1 IP, 6 ER, 1 K
Adam: 1 IP, 3 ER, 1 K

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Game 1: 5/20/12

WP: Adam Richardson (1-0)
LP: Angelo Santaniello (0-1)
Player of the Game: Adam Richardson / Don Livio

OPENING DAY DUEL: RICHARDSON WELCOMES HOME THE TROOPS IN THE 12TH
by Danglin' Dan Snossage, Amputations Press - 740/2011 9:43 PM ET


The 2012 PWL season got off to a helluva start on a hot day in May. We've seen tense opening day games before, but nothing like the classic this game is destined to be. This was a game for the ages, an Opening Day Classic. This game marks a turning point in the PWL, where competition runs deeper than blood, where all that matters is what you do on the field. This was the turning point game. This is the game people will remember us by.

After negotiations for new funding went long into the night, with Donny Finance working around the clock to secure new funding rights, no one was sure if the PWL would start this year. Talk of a lockout plagued the offseason, taking ink away from the real stories, like Hoss getting a 5-game suspension to start the season for cutting the brakes of umpire Jumpin' Jimmy Jarvis. Hoss was livid with the infamous called third strike that ended the Cockslappers' season in 2011, and swore his revenge on the ump that punched him out. Commissioner Santaniello was relatively lax in his punishment, saying "Look, Jarvis is a fuckhole, we'd all cut his brakes in Hoss's position, so I'm taking this lightly. Now get the fuck out of my office."

Kyle Ax was not able to be activated off the disabled list after a rough offseason and unsuccessful rehab. He's still day-to-day with extreme alcoholism. News hit late Saturday afternoon that he had aggravated his condition by stopping by the OL and taking shots on the bar till closing time where he had to be dragged away and tucked into bed.

Livio managed to secure last-minute funding from season ticket holder Hung Lu and with that, the 2012 season started. On a hot and windy day in May at West Brook Stadium, the esteemed players took the field to a roaring applause. Established superstars, anticipated prospects, old grizzly bears; together, they heralded in a new year. Austin Marchese threw a high strike to Angelo Santaniello and with that, we had wiffleball.

The game started with a bang, with Fort Wilderness taking a 1-0 lead on a Cesarano solo shot. They strung together enough hits to take a 2-0 lead into the 3rd, when Livio took Cesarano deep to tie the game at 2. The West Brook Wildmen would take a 5-4 lead when Livio struck again with a 3-Run blast. Richardson relieved Marchese on the mound and pitched effectively, but with the game on the line, Santaniello hit a game-tying solo HR in the 9th inning.

An opening day first, the teams headed into extra innings to decide the first game of the season. In the top of the 11th, Fort Wilderness loaded the bases with one out, but Richardson Houdini'd his way out of it. The Wildmen had a chance to win in it in the bottom half, but Richardson popped out to end the frame. The winning run was on 2nd base in noted prospect Mike Bentz. Bentz had a cup of coffee in the PWL last year but got sent back down to the minors. He took a hard 0-9 on the day, but as a rookie, he's cut some slack. His status as one of the game's top prospects means he's sure to get more cuts in the future.

In the top of the 12th, the teams were both sweating it out, just waiting for the big hit. Steve Major was seen jacking off in the outfield (his usual opening day ritual) and the many on hand felt the tension in the air. In the bottom of the 12, with 2 on and 2 out, Richardson launched a towering fly over the centerfield wall, ending the game with one swing. It was a tough day at the plate for Richardson, but he made up for it with the walk-off home run. He rounded the bases while Fort Wilderness walked off the field in shame, another opening day in the books. After an MVP season in 2011, Richardson hopes to cement himself in the history books in 2012.

Major collected 7 hits on the day, getting off to a strong start after winning the Golden Stick last season. Livio powered 2 Fastlane Bombs but word spread after the game that he might be taking his talents to the Yomiyuri Gobblemonsters in the Nippon WIffleball League. Livio refused to comment after the game. Major was caught at his locker naked, and faced questions from reporters. "It was a great opening day game, we were just on the wrong side of the W. It happens." The Blue Buffalo returned and went 4-9 in his return. Fans were chanting "Bluuuuuuuue" when he took the bat, a few spectators thought they were booing him, but that's the standard Buffalo call. Cuomo went 5-11 in his first day off the DL. He battled shoulder problems all winter, but he seems to be swinging the bat fine now. Richardson spoke in the post-game saying "It's a good way to start the year. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go feed my cock."

Prospect Mike Feeny was called up before the game and took some promising cuts, but he strained his left-pec on a diving stop and had to leave the game. Scouts liked what they saw so far, but he might be headed to the DL. Santaniello played well after recovering from a sore asshole all offseason. He said after the game of his epic homerun in the 9th 'That's just what I do. I get up there, and I hit bombs. Anybody who disagrees can fuck off." Overall it was an instant classic of a game. One that'll go in the books forever. With the lockout over, the season has finally started, and I can't picture a better start. As Kurt Russell once said when asked what he does in the winter when there is no wiffleball, "I'll tell you what I do, I stare out the window and wait for spring." Gentlemen, Spring has sprung.


Fort Wilderness
Angelo: 5 for 11 - HR; 3 RBI
Jeff: 1 for 11 - HR; 1 RBI
Steve: 7 for 11 - 2B
Joe: 6 for 11 - 2B
James: 5 for 11 - RBI

Westbrook Wildmen
Adam: 3 for 10 - 3-Run HR; 3 RBI
Ed: 4 for 9
Austin: 3 for 9
Don: 6 for 9 - 2-Run HR, 3-Run HR; 5 RBI
Bentz: 0 for 9
Feeny: 1 for 4 (Pulled in 4th, Headed to DL)

Pitching
Austin: 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 K
Richardson: 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 K
Jeff: 10.1 IP, 5 ER, *20 K
Angelo 1.1 IP, 3 ER, 1 K

*Extra Innings needed

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